Morels are pretty weird looking.

Even for mushrooms. Pretty weird. People like them. I don't like them.

I hear they are worth money. Some of that gourmet money.

People hunt them. Hunt to kill? That sounds like an adventure. I'm all about adventures.

Watch out morels. I'm a coming for you.

Step 1: Gather Supplies

Bags (2) - plastic or paper, morels don't care
$900 pickup (1) - try to get one that is old, misfires, and doesn't have power steering. Trust me, it's everything you've ever wanted in a pickup.

Bad dog (1)

City slicker girlfriend (1)

Step 2: Head to the Woods

It's a treacherous path. It's best to take a pickup. Branches will be slamming up against it. Brush will be scratching it.

Step 3: Come to a Crossroads in the Woods

Some things require spending some time down at the crossroads. Morels is one of those things.

Step 4: Determine Your Path

Use your senses to determine a direction. I used my common sense. I use that one almost every day.

Step 5: Search & Destroy

With a heart full of napalm, find your morels. Look for damp soil where dead trees lie.

Don't lose faith. I believe in you. Pick them from the base, right at the ground.

Step 6: Remember to Put on Bug Spray

Minnesota mosquitoes are the worst. Seriously. The worst.

Step 7: Pout When You Can't Find Anymore Morels

There comes a time when the morels will just not appear. I used all of my senses... but no more morels.
Time to pout, my friend. Pout away.

Step 8: Find That Bad Dog and Go Home

Bad dogs disappear. Some bad dogs don't come back for a while. You best find that bad dog.

Step 9: Tend to Your Wounds and Check for Ticks

Lick your mosquito wounds and rub down for ticks. Check everywhere. Nothing is worse than looking down when you are at the toilet and realizing that you have to pull a little blood sucker from there...