It's a Good Thing.

With the current surge in celebrity imprisonments, Martha Stewart has released her latest book in her craft series to accommodate the needs of these unfortunate stars. Yes, Stewart has come to terms with her criminal past, baring her soul on the pages of A Good Thing: my time behind bars. The book, set to release sometime next month includes the author's personal reflections and tip and tutorials for making anyone's stay chez casa Quentin, a memorable one.
The following is an exert from Stewart's upcoming book:
Chapter 12, How to decorate your penitentiary jail cell

Step 1: 1. Always Keep a Positive Outlook on Your Situation.

Hey, maybe that meager prison food is just what you needed to get started on that diet you've been putting off.

Step 2: 2. Become an Artist.

Those dull prison walls bringing you down? Just consider them giant canvases to display your inner Picasso. If you are denied paints or pencils, use your lunch! Blueberries serve as blue, avocado for green, turkey for brown& Or, if painting isn't your thing, decoupage the walls with newspaper clippings (mainly about yourself.) Mix mashed potatoes with water and smear on the wall. Viola, instant wallpaper.

Step 3: 3. Get to Know Your Cell Mates.

That fat lady in the bunk below you, what's her story? She's an overly ambitious Girl Scout parent whose charge for battery when her daughter did not receive the most boxes sold award, landed her here. When this woman's children come to visit, hit them up for a couple boxes. Chocolate is a known mood elevator.

Step 4: 4. Etiquette

Always be kind to your captors. They have the right to reserve food from you for disorderly behavior. If you are unsure how to address your guard, write to Miss Manners for tips on proper and orderly conduct in your current situation.

Step 5: 5. Read.

Take the time you now have to catch up on those magazines you've been too busy to look at. Peruse your Bas Blue catalog and order some books you wouldn't otherwise need. Or, write your own book. This could be an autobiography, what it took to make you what you are today, or a work of fiction.

Step 6: 6. Instant Tan

Flourescent lights making your skin look green? Get brown, tan skin with your instant coffee. Take the leftover grounds and spread them evenly over your skin. Let sit for thirty to fourty-five minutes, then rinse off. You'll look as though your jail is in the Bahamas . These coffee grounds aren't just for the worms anymore.

Step 7: 7. More Food Fun.

Working on the chain gang? Being outdoors is great for the complexion and with a little help from lemon juice, it can work to your benefit. Take the lemons from last night's dinner and squeeze them into a cup. Then dip in sections of your hair, or paint it on in streaks. Add sunlight and boom-highlights for your hair!

Step 8: 8. Picture Day.

When taking your mugshot, its important to look good, as the chances of a re-shoot are very slim. Remember your foremothers when getting ready. To make curls, they would wet their hair and tie it up with strips of fabric. These can be taken from your new pants. (Capris are In right now anyways.) For rosy cheeks and lips, pinch them shortly before the shot. And, for an unforgettable pose, since you cant do too much with your arms and legs, don't forget to smile (check your teeth for seeds) or purse your lips and maybe add something special, like one seductively raised eyebrow or a playfully stuck out tongue.

Step 9: 9. Missing Fur?

Kept awake at night by the scuttling of rats on the cement floor? Learn the art of taxidermy. Trap the rats on their nightly rampage, slit their stomachs and peel off the skin, omitting the tail. This is not a job for the faint of heart, but just keep in mind the Marc Jacobs mink stole you had to leave behind and have no mercy.

Step 10: The End