Outsmart the Machines: How to Poop in Peace

A few years ago my work moved to a shiny new office. With it came some fancy new commodes that flush all by themselves. Whew no more touching the flusher and getting all those germs on my hands for the 10 second walk to the sink! The problem with these fancy toilets is any little adjustment while sitting and WHOOSH! flush goes the potty and you are left with a lovely mist of water on your fanny.

What am I to do?!

The solution is the 4 step, 3 sheet solution.

Step 1: Locate the "eye"

The first step is to find the toilet's eye. I imagine it to be like the Terminator's eye, scanning my every move. Find it and never take your eyes off of it.

Step 2: Reach for the TP

Now that you see the eye, it is time to give it a temporary blindfold. Grab 3* sheets of toilet paper and carefully drape them over the eye. It is now blind to all that you hope to accomplish in the stall.

*I have done thorough research and found that the perfect number is 3. 2 sheets if not enough and 4 is just wasteful.

Step 3: Do What You Came Here to Do.

Relax and do your business. Wiggle, squirm and otherwise be happy on the potty.

Step 4: Flush!

When you are all finished, stand up, stand back and remove the TP blindfold from the toilet. Having regained full sight the toilet should immediately scan the scene and flush.