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My girlfriend's dad really hates me for some unknown reasons. What should i do?

I have a problem with my girlfriend's dad. I dont know how to fix it......everytime her dad sees me, he just yells at me......today he saw me and her together and he started beating me.....I didn't do any self defense as i know alot about respects. I am 20, and she is 17 turning 18 in couple months....It got to a point that i really hate her dad but can't do anything about it. My girlfriend also doesn't know what to do because her dad really loves her and everytime after he yells/beat ME, he just apologizes to her but obviously my girlfriend is starting to hate him more as each day goes by......I don't want this to happen because i think family is always important so i am trying to find solutions to fix this at any cost! Even getting stab by him as he threatened me today before i left. I just don't get the problem at all. Her sister who is 19 year old can date freely with this other guy but her dad just HATES me. I look and AM a very nice guy....only thing is can think of is i am a whitewashed asian and her dad has a very traditional asian mind. Whereas her sister's boyfriend is an asian that can speak fluent chinese

omnibot5 years ago
That guy needs help, he doesn't seem to be able to cope with his feelings. Ask your girlfriend to help you find help, perhaps he needs counseling.
Update?? :)
Gorfram5 years ago
He's actually physically assaulting you, and threatening to stab you? That's extremely serious.

It's also illegal in most places, including anywhere in the US. You could take this to the police, but it wouldn't do much to improve your relations with him, and it might not even stop him from committing further violence.
(However, if he makes good on his stabbing threat, and kills you while he's at it, having a report of previous violent incident(s) will make it easier to prosecute him for your murder.)

If you think he really might try to stab you, then you need to stay very far away from him. It will not fix anything in your girlfriend's family for you to get stabbed, and it would mess up a whole lot of things for your own parents.

If you think that his talk of stabbing was merely an empty heat-of-anger threat, then you don't need to stay quite so far away from him. Still; if just seeing you makes him go up in a sheet of angry flame; it's probably best for you, him, and your GF that he see you as little as you can possibly manage.

If you can meet your girlfriend away from her house, do that. Sure, picking her up from home and dropping her off there is respectful and nice - but not if it breaks down into a violent confrontation everytime.

Beyond that, in your position I would do my best to behave with as much correct, respectful, and faultless behavior as I could manage. There's a quote from Oscar Wilde: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
(That, and the moral high ground provides a very good defensive position.)

I'm assuming that if you're respectful enough to let the man beat on you, you also do all the standard things like address him as "Mr. ----" or "Sir," make sure his daughter gets home a few minutes before her curfew, take her only to places he would approve of (or very assiduously cover up any evidence of her going to places or doing things he wouldn't approve of - no dropping her off with her lipstick smudged), etc.
If not, do these things, and others like them, always, every time, without fail.

Try to find small gifts for your GF's family - a bunch of flowers for Mrs.----, or some fresh fruit for the whole family, stuff like that. (Are there traditional Asian gifts like that (a bag of oranges comes to mind) that you could get them? That might help ease the "whitewash" problem a little). Don't necessarily give them to him - it sounds like he might throw them at you, but to Mrs.---- or GF's sister, or to GF to pass on to the family. (Yes, these will not count as gifts to your GF herself - those are a separate matter - but if they help ease things up a bit, she might appreciate that as one of the nicest things you could do for her.)

But mostly, just stay away. If the sight of sets him into a rage, you might as well do your best to keep out of his sight.

As to why he's like that, I don't really know, but I'll offer two guesses:

- Um, perhaps his mental health is not all is should be, and whatever's going wrong is manifesting itself as a violent hatred of you.

- Or else he could just be afraid. Afraid that his little daughter is growing up and will eventually leave him (especially if she's the youngest), afraid that his beloved perfect daughter might get hurt, afraid that he's getting old, afraid of his (traditional Asian) way of understanding the world not longer seeming to apply, afraid of all sorts of things.
But men can't be afraid - that's Just Not Allowed. Asian men really can't be afraid. And fear that can't be expressed, or admitted even to oneself, often comes out as anger (especially in men - women often get depressed instead).

Or else it could be some combination of those two, or very possibly something completely different.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope this helps a little.
peterchong (author)  Gorfram5 years ago
I just got a phone call today from her house..I figured it was probably her dad calling to yell at me again but to my surprise, it was her mom. She started off by apologizing on what her husband did and mentioned its a problem within the family too...She was very calm and reasonable and it was much appreciated. Good thing is she said she will try to convince her husband and she apologized couple times because she knows that it is wrong in this western society. For now, i will just try to stay away from the dad because it still scares me a slightly bit...
Oh, good. I was thinking about you today and wondering how things were. I'm very glad to hear that your GF's mother is involved and understands there is as problem and that it seems to be originating with her husband and with some internal family problem, but not with you. It was very good of her to call you like that. And I think you're quite right to stay well away from GF's dad. It sounds like the situation with him is very serious and very scary. And it's better to be safe than - well, it's better to be safe. I'm sure this whole thing is a terrible strain on your relationship with your girlfriend. You can always try to tell yourself that if the two of you can make it through this, you've probably got something really strong and good holding the two of you together. Things will probably get better when she turns 18, and may even improve before then, as the other family situation eases and as Mr. --- gets some time to reflect on what happened between. You know that you're a good man trying to do right by your GF and her family, and your girlfriend knows it (and, despite knowing you only over the Internet, I'm willing to take your word for it) - and you can take heart in that.
110100101105 years ago
meet away from him ask her to ask her teacher in school. in addition to advice they may have the power to influence how stuff works from the other side keep your gf and atleast one of your best friends updated about everything that happens between you and him if he gave the slightest hint that he can stab you - beware. knife threats should be taken seriously before its too late. make sure your gf and updated friends know about that. knife threats are also severe criminal offense with very harsh punishments
jtobako5 years ago
You say he's a bigot. There is no way you can change that.
NachoMahma5 years ago
. Until she's 18, Dad has the upper hand. You could charge him with assault, but then you'll probably be looking at statutory rape charges or some such. Don't be alone with her until she turns 18. After that, it's her choice.
. Once she turns 18, he still has the "as long as you live in my house" card.
.
. No good solution. :(
. Be nice to him and hope for the best, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Actually, it sounds like avoiding him might be more prudent.
Depending on jurisdiction, statutory (in canada) is 14. Some places its 16. A guardian has right to yay or nay under 18, period.
peterchong (author) 5 years ago
Thank you for all your advices. Reference to Gofram: I actually think that her dad is too overprotective which leads to this problem...But that is just my assumptions. I tried to talk calmly to his dad but obviously i've never got the chances to do so as her dad goes all crazy when he sees me. What he DID mention was she is not over 18 and if he sees me again with her, he will stab me. Which i am assuming he does know that he can't really do anything when my GF, his daughter turns 18. So what my GF and I are thinking is to wait till she turns 18 and if her dad is still acting this way, then we will think about moving out. But whatever we do, we won't make a choice that will mess up both our future because it is just not worth making that risk.