What is the funniest joke you have ever heard that doesnt cuss?

I dont want a joke that cusses. that's it. But it can be a yo mama joke or anything. Hopefully the community will get some laughs over the holidays

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EggHead1017 years ago
A blonde and brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says "Hey look a dead bird"... The blonde looks up and says "where?"
CrLz7 years ago
"Hi my name is ________.  I've been an inventor for five years" ....
fingers.jpg
Bert99 (author)  CrLz7 years ago
i don't get it
nice master chief pic
CrLz Bert997 years ago
Ah.... err... (>>lost finger inventing...)  :(  Allow me to try to redeem myself, #2:

A man walks into a club and orders a drink.  He notices a beautiful woman sitting down at the bar.  She is stunning- beautiful hair, red dress, amazing eyes... The woman smiles at him and approaches.

Sitting down next to the man, she says, "For 200 dollars I'll do anything you want," in a sexy, sultry voice.

The man gulps down his drink, pulls out $200, hands it to the lady and says-
"Paint my house."

What a bargain!
EggHead1017 years ago
What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?  Last years hide and seak winner...
ha both of yours are funny! =D
slappybob7 years ago
 What's the difference between a ferrari and a box of dead babies?




A- I don't have a ferrari in my garage
Z..7 years ago
A man went to the Doctor with a bird on his head.

The Doctor said: "What's the matter with you?"

The bird said: "There's something stuck to my butt!"
A burlar in th' proccess of ransackin ' a house hears ,  out of th' darkness  "Jesus is coming !"

He freezes ,  but after a few moments shrugs it off as nerves !  But while he is pullin' th'  stereo out to unplug it he hears " Jesus is watching you" and as he whips around his flashlight picks out a bird cage containing a large parrot !

When he can speak again he asks th' bird " Did you say that " and th' parrot replied " yes , I just thought I should warn you " !

Th' burglar said  "arent you a smart bird ,  what is your name ?"  " Moses , said th' bird "

Th' burglar laughed and said " what kind of person names a parrot ,   Moses ? "

Th' bird replied " th' same kind person that names a rotweiler Jesus "
 Q-    What is long brown and sticky?











A-  A stick.
Phil B7 years ago
A nun was assigned to home health care visits.  Her car ran out of gas two blocks from a filling station.  She walked to the station to borrow a gas can.  The station attendant said he was sorry, but they do not lend cans.  She walked back to her car and sat.  She remembered a hospital bed pan in the car's trunk.  She took it to the station, filled the pan with gas, and carried it back to the car while trying not to spill it.  As she was pouring the gas into the tank, two guys saw her.  One said to the other, "If that car starts, I am turning Catholic!"
framistan7 years ago
not a joke, but a true story...   We only had our new car a few months when my wife saw an odd smudgemark that somewhat resembled chipped paint. She said, Oh no!!! what is this... and she scratched the spot with her finger. Then before i could say anything, she licked her finger and scratched the spot again.  Finally I spoke up and said, "That's birdpoop. What does it taste like?" 
Burf7 years ago
Musical jokes:

A heavy metal front-man was on an African safari, became separated from his companions and hopelessly lost.
After two days of wandering in the deepest jungle, the front-man came upon a very old African fellow. Fortunately for the front-man, the African spoke a little English and was able to understand the front-man was lost, needed a guide out of the jungle and then agreed to do so.
As they walked, the front-man asked the old African about drums he had been hearing in the distance.
The old man nodded and said." When drums play, all is good!"
A couple of hours later, the front-man said. Hey dude, I'm getting worried here, those drums are getting louder."
The old man smiled and repeated, " When drums play, all is good!"
The front-man, not being entirely convinced, asked, "Well, what happens when the drums stop playing?"
The old African grimaced, shook his head and said, "Bass solo start!"

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.






Q: What's 20 feet long and smells like pee?
A: A conga line at the retirement home.