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shoe repair?

resole sneakers

No, you resole sneakers.
No, you resole sneakers?
Yeah, you're right. That one was pretty weak. Maybe I should have formatted:
No, you resole sneakers!

Still lame....
Hmm... Try reading it in an accent like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld:
No, you resole sneakers! And No Soup For You!

(crickets)

Never mind, I'm gonna give this one up as a bad job and actually try to answer the question.

ahem... Have you tried Shoe Goo?
Now that's not a bad idea.  Maybe glue some thinned tire treads on the bottom to fix um.