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Hilarious $500 ethernet cable

Denon, purveyors of audiophile equipment and home cinema kit, are selling a $500 1.5 metre cat-5 cable.
That's not so much funny as disappointing.

However, the Amazon reviews are utterly hilarious.

"Holding this cable in my hands actually makes me feel that much closer to the Lord Jesus..."

"So I shelled over the 1/2 grand and found out that I can SEE GOD when I play things now.. In addition I see the future and now know the stock market BEFORE it happens! "

"Just 1 minute after pressing the button to order this, I had 7 phone calls from insanely hot women, and got 7 dates out of it. Coincidence? I think not. "

"I couldn't believe a cable could make so much difference, so I connected a cable tester to it and saw that it rendered the 0s and 1s perfectly. I'm even getting some 2s and 3s!!!"

"Each one of these cables is blessed in the blood of a dead pope."

There are, however, a refreshing number of people saying "I'll never buy anything from Denon ever again". I believe this product may be withdrawn shortly, if Denon have the tiniest bit of sense.

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puffyfluff8 years ago
"Don't underestimate these cables. Since plugging this into my Linksys Router there has been an electric blue halo hovering 30 feet above my apartment that has attracted every living creature within line of sight. Neighborhood Men are bowing in awe and the Woman are throwing their panties on my doorstep. The lions are at peace with the lambs and Muslims are breaking bread with the Jews on my front lawn. And best of all, my '86 Dodge Colt does 0 to 60 in 4.2 Sec's now. ...$ well spent I believe."

Let me think-If that was true, it would be known to everyone on earth. I sure didn't know about it!

"So, anyway, I got this item for him. As a matter of fact, I bought two! You see, these cables are really quite strong. Their braided coaxial construction gives them great tensile strength with the benefit of a small diameter. That, combined with the tough-as-nails DuraFlex outer sheathing, makes it very easy to tie into knots. And at 59" long, they are perfect for tying a Dead-wrist Bowline, a Spanish Throathitch, or even a Hong Kong Balls-lock! So anyway, these made restraining my neighbor a snap. The rough texture of the sheathing resulted in some wrist-abrasions, but was pretty easy to clean the blood from, so it wasn't too big a deal.

Also, Amazon's return policy made it super-easy to get my thousand dollars back when I was done (thanks Amazon!!!!). Now I just need to get a new liner for my trunk!"

Even serial killers use it. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

"OK, for all of you complaining about the high price of this cable: you just don't get it. Sure, I could buy some five-buck cable from the computer hack store up the street or even solder a couple of wires together in my basement. That's like saying that I could baste a couple yards of fabric from Jo-Ann's together with my Singer and it would be just as good as a Prada dress. Sure, my kluged efforts would perform the function of covering my body, just like any ol' cable can transfer your data from point A to point B. But the craftsmanship, the aesthetics, the presentation of this Denon Dedicated Link Cable...the whole package makes it a work of art that only the few can fully appreciate, just like that designer original gown. With its cerulean colours and its sleek, Italian-inspired lines, I have no doubt the Denon AKDL1 will be celebrated decades down the line by the Museum of Modern Art as a masterwork of modern design.

Plus, I heard that Jessica Simpson wore a Denon AKDL1 out to an opening night recently, just wrapped around her neck and loosely tied, and got all kinds of compliments and her picture in People Magazine. I know it's just a matter of time before every little small-town girl working at the 7-11 is swiping the cables off her geek brother's compy, spray painting 'em blue, and wearing 'em out to the mall, and then the knockoffs will start, Chinese imitations showing up at your local Claire's boutique, ugh...so buy this one now and get in on the ground floor while this fashion trend is still THE hottness. Plus, when the fashion wears off, it'll still do a helluva job of transferring those ones and zeroes to boot.

In short, it's worth every penny and then some. I've even read some reviews suggesting that wearing this cable on your bosom daily will increase a woman's breasts by two cup sizes over time...although no one might notice if they're too busy envying your cool blue Denon AKDL1!"

Fashion and breast enhancement. This person must be drunk.

"I bought this cable but it refused to plug into my Samsung and Pioneer equipment. When I forced it to connect with them anyway, it killed itself in shame. So I ordered a replacement, but instead of plugging it into inferior devices I plugged it into my Apple Powerbook. There was a brief shudder in the room and a wormhole formed where my bedroom wall had been. Unfortunately, the nascent event horizon killed my cat, leaving her head here and her body on Abidos. Then Amanda Tapping stepped through the wormhole and zatted me as punishment for driving the first cable to an untimely death. She told me that she had created these cables in collaboration with the replicators. It has a naquda core and a neutronium nanite shield. It was originally intended for use in Merlin's anti-Ori weapon, but the series was coming to an end, Tapping had blown all of her income on hair extensions, and Denon made her a very generous offer for her patent on the technology. Unfortunately, Denon's accounting department realized that they had to price the cable at a point that would allow them to recoup this investment on the sale of only a few hundred cables worldwide, hence the steep price."

A wormhole formed! I hope NASA has heard of these things...

"Ignoring the sound quality for a moment, one has to admire the technology and innovation that goes into the directional markings and rounded plug levers. If anyone can find these features on another CAT-5 cable at any price, I will send you a tin foil cap to keep the government from controlling your thoughts."

Ahh. I see. You wasted 500 bucks because it looks pretty. Let me guess: You're Bill Gates!

"The Amazing AKDL1 is more then just a GOD-like sound conductor that will change your religion. It can do much more then just provide you with baby soft genitals. I was able to purchase 14 of these cables for the ridiculously low price of a standard parsec of ocean front property. Then I sealed them in a linear null entropy field which extends directly up through my pebble and asphalt flat roof into the 12.5 foot rooftop antenna which has been decadently garnished with numerous double-ringed rabbit ears and augmented by consummate-V double-length telescoping Yagi antenna with full duplexing half wave dipoles. Once this feat easily accomplished due to the quality of the purest copper in the AKDL1, I was able to direct it to my Analog TV and receive 754 channels all with full 800X600 DPI digital quality. Just think of all the money I will be saving by not having to buy a converter box for the February 2009 DTV transition deadline. Whew!! Thank you Denon! "

So tell me again. How is it possible for plugging a cord into something going to give you baby-soft genitals?

"I couldn't fit the dang thing in my computer. After about two hours of mulling it over I finally was able to figure out that this thing could be rotated 180 degrees and fit into the slot like a dream. I tried some cruddy $10 dollar Ethernet cord from Radio Shack, and even the 'click' upon inserting it into the slot sounded better."

The click sounded better. Yeah right.

"Note that 32% of the people who view this item buy the $1.75 cable - saving themselves $498.25! You can buy a pretty good receiver for that kind of smack.

I'd note that "there is a sucker born every minute" but clearly Denon knows this. IMO their target customer would buy a Ferrari to use the door latch as a bottle opener."

Using a Ferrari door latch to open bottles. I like this guy. He actually MAKES SENSE!!!!

"The Denon ADKL1 Dedicated Link Cable is my favorite worldly possession. Late at night, I lie awake in anticipation of the day I can afford to replace my receiver with one which can connect to this, the ultimate digital cable.
This particular digital cable somehow makes your ones more one with the universe and your zeros less so, so it acts like an expander for your mind and soul. I haven't connected it yet, but already I feel comforted and more alive than ever.
My receiver lacks the requisite female connector and that makes it seem so useless, like the kind of receiver a poor person or an imbecile would have. I've become self-conscious about owning it, and have hidden it and my shame away until such time as I become worthy of a proper receiver. I post this review as a sort of audiophile confessional to assuage my deep and abiding hatred for myself. Soon, I will return to the beautiful Denon shipping container to handle this magnificent cable, but I must wait for the sun to kiss the horizon and provide suitable lighting for such an activity."

Expander of the mind and soul. I'm considering getting this thing!
wow thats alot of typing
I only typed about five lines. The rest came from Amazon customer reviews.
oh, hehe
puffyfluff8 years ago
Oh well. I guess you can get your money back from $1 God viewings. Or Get Paired With a Hot Lady! Or Get a computer with 1s, 0s, and after a money blowing breakthrough, 2s and 3s! Or Predict the Stock Market! Or See the ghosts of dead Popes! Or Get Close To Jesus!

If you can see God and get close to Jesus, I wonder what would happen if you held it when you died, and got mummified using it...
tech-king9 years ago
i keep a large supply of electrical jokes on hand for when i feel down. heres a good cable one i have: the Ultimate in New and Improved Speaker Cable! (From Steve Roberts (osteven@akrobiz.com).) We here at Infinite Audio have a announcement of our new product line, speaker cables for the wickedly rich. First of all, our new Dark Optical Speaker Cable: Tired of shot noise and 1/F noise interfering with your quiet passages? Our new dark cable relies on the fact that the speed of darkness is indeed faster then the speed of light. Our cable converts your amp output to light, thus when there is no audio, there is dark, to quickly sweep away light noise, long before it can start. $1995 a foot, polishing and termination extra. Second is our new Blumlein Series Speaker Cable: We use a second mirror cable to add capacitance in parallel with the existing cable, then just when you need it for those splendid tweeter blowing highs or that extra megawatt of base, our patented superswitch RCA Tee connector/switch takes the stored energy in your cable and uses it to its maximum by converting from series to parallel. Superswitch's patented tin plating makes the switching decisions far faster then any solid state device could. By using our short pulse energy techniques, you will actually be able to see your tweeter diaphragms move, and move faster. 2300$ a foot, exclusive licensing and secrecy agreement required. Inquire today about our boosted storage version for class D PWM amps! Finally, Cryocord, our revolutionary new cable for home theater installs. Cryocord consists of a 99.9% pure copper core zip cord plated with 14 karat gold then dipped with a layer of of our patented mercury superconductor material. This core is then wrapped with 20 turns of our super low leakage kraft paper insulator and shoved down a long piece of large diameter glass tubing which is ringed by a another silver plated glass tube with a vacuum in it, thus preventing loss of your precious audio signal by the dreaded permittivity and resistivity of dry air. Copious quantities of liquid nitrogen from a 16 meter long 3 meter diameter tank on a semi truck are then pumped through the cable, insuring that your amps see a zero ohm, zero parasitic cable straight to your speakers. Each speaker has its own glasswork, thus greatly reducing crosstalk. Note: If you need to move a speaker, please schedule a visit from Horatio, our friendly glassblower two to three months before you need to move the speaker. Pricing available on request, please bring you current rating in Whos Who and Your listing in Standard and Poor's along with some stock certificates with intact coupons before ordering. Remember with our Dewer covered cables, you can brag about being hollow state through your system! Seriously, $7K for a chunk of pink pre-soldered ribbon cable with cheap shrink and Far East RCA plugs! Man, am I in the wrong business!!!!! They didn't even bother to make every other strand a ground to reduce crosstalk. ;-) And, they forgot the silver solder for better conductivity.
Lovely. I like the "Note: If you need to move a speaker, please schedule a visit from Horatio, our friendly glassblower two to three months before you need to move the speaker."
Even others Denon's products seems insanely more expensive than required. Their commercial target is obviously well .............. "targeted".
Audiophiles are a niche worth targeting (fools with money), the marketing speak is all hyperbole.
. Yeah. About $490 of the price is for the Denon label printed on the connector. As one of the Amazon reviewers put it: "They are selling status and ego gratification, not something that is of any real, intrinsic value. Good job Denon, you know your customer base well." Denon makes some top-shelf equipment, but I can't see paying $500 for an analog cable, much less an digital one. . The directional markings on the cable ("Additionally, signal directional markings are provided for optimum signal transfer.") are a hoot!
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