I am SO tired....

I am just SO tired of not being able to be who I am. 
If I am kind to children, I become a molester,
if I let my feelings go with free reign, am outlandish
if I don't let my feelings out, I am unfeeling,
if I speak the truth, I am a heratic
if I hold on to fantasy, I am bonkers.

If I talk about who I am, what I am, people don't want to hear it, and eventually deny it altogether;
so I can NEVER be who I am around most people.
.. (obviously "around" means in person).

I can't win.

Can ANYONE on line truly know me, in any real capacity ?   Can anyone have experienced the tremendous struggles I have
with sensory overload?  Can any of you REALLY know how much I struggle day in and day out to not become cynical like the
tv character HOUSE ? 
I mean,  really ? 

Picture of I am SO tired....
sort by: active | newest | oldest
Tim Temple4 years ago
Christmas is a bummer. It is a celebration of happy extended family. Get a motel room and watch I Love Lucy reruns.

Here's how I cope with Normals.
I have Aspergers business cards that I hand out, to remind people that I am "handicapped." That magic word will back off all but the most belligerent drunk. Here's what I have on those cards:

Get Temple Grandin's book, Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. It shows you the biggest land mines we ignorantly step on. I know, once she wrote the book, the title was obsolete. Rule 4 is "Honesty is Different than diplomacy." That rule grates on my nerves, but that's the way the world works.

Find people like yourself. As a mathematical/musical Aspergers, go look up esoteric special interest groups. It is "old home week." I'm a member of a Linux User's group -- they're just like myself.

My main specialty is Christian intercession. The folks in the church put up with my eccentricities because I know a lot of stuff they absolutely don't know about the Christianity they espouse.

Learn body language. "The Power of Body Language" was written by Tony Reiman who writes like an Aspergers. The acting field is full of Aspergers who found out how to act normal and did it up brown. They can act -- but they can't do small talk.
Goodhart (author)  Tim Temple4 years ago
It isn't the "season" that is the problem....it is the willful ignorance that bothers me. I don't know everything, but once I learn something, I don't, on purpose "forget to think" and unlearn it. It's insane....even at the age of 53, I have a hard time JUST SHUTTING UP. *sigh*
That's because people have confused your silence as counseling. They just dump their garbage on you. But any counselor needs one hour of unloading for every eight hours of listening to others.

When we talk to others, we transmit information instead of body language. They don't want to hear that. We are considered boring, strange, stupid, etc. But eventually we just HAVE to talk, despite their disinterest.

That's why I recommended finding a techie group in your field of interest. They will gladly talk to you about your mutual field of interest -- and about what's happening in your life. But expect that they have been burned by normals just like you have.
Goodhart (author)  Tim Temple4 years ago
Yes, but in the middle of Amish Country so they are few and in between...
Goodhart (author) 4 years ago
Some will go SO far to justify their belief system so as to actually refuse help to those in need; they literally hobble those that could spared much uneeded pain and suffering. This makes me very sad.
Goodhart (author)  Goodhart4 years ago
Again, I see this with persons I know "in person" not so much on line and definitely not in Instructables.
lemonie4 years ago
Be outlandish
Be feeling
Be a heratic
Be bonkers
Be happy

-sort it out man.


*38 today!
Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
Happy B-day (if that is what your last line meant) :-)

If I "allow myself to be myself" I am afraid I will lose the only friends I have (in the locality where I live).  It is a real fear because of things I've heard
Thanks man.
Listen; a friend is someone who you trust to be right with you (and by derivation never do wrong by you or let you down)*. The friends you refer to either are or are not, irrespective.
Think about this; if people don't really know who you are (because you're hiding stuff) how can they really be your friends?


*You know how to do this, I think that you're everyone's friend and that's a good thing.
Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
It isn't that I am hiding stuff, so much as I should not be "correcting others" constantly....If I think of it that way, maybe I can avoid problems :-)
You can think a person to be wrong, but if you're to say so it should achieve something positive.
Your best reasoning might be "OK, I could- but it's not going to end up with anything being better, so I won't this time."

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
I know, it is just difficult, you know its the old:
: )
Yes, but if I have someone in my bed there aren't many things more important to me.

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
I meant that as an analogy for the situation I mention, and how I "deal with it". Is someone is wrong and being loud about it, it is hard for me to "remain silent"....which is why Geeks get "beat up" a lot LOL
I know the analogy, I was being "alternative" about the situation.
A good question to ask is "what difference will it make?". Will you feel any better, will anyone learn anything useful?

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
Exactly, as long as I can stop the "knee jerk" reaction I sometimes have...I will be ok. It DOES seem as though I was a bit paranoid last week, when I submitted this....
Paranoia is a label for irrational thinking, and you do well to say "Nothing significant went wrong, so I guess it was paranoia."

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
One thing is for sure, I am discovering who my real friends are. They are the ones that do not deny me as a person, what I have experienced in the past, what I can be in the future, and especially what I AM right now.

I am soooo tired of defending "WHO  I AM" to people.  Even some here at Instructables.  If they'd EVER have to live inside my head for one day, many of them would end up in a ward. Enough said.
Learn to care less, and don't think that no one else has an "untidy" space in their heads.

Exactly. The impossibility of objective access to the inner mental life of another person cuts both ways. 

"Can ANYONE on line truly know someone else, in any real capacity ? Can anyone have experienced the tremendous struggles everyone else has with many things? Can you REALLY know how much everyone struggles day in and day out with their problems? I mean, really ?"
The "Also" is a later addition, and the answer is no.
All that only matters to the self, people want to spend more time thinking about how other people know them to be. That just has to be right, and nothing more.

I know, it just fits well with what I was saying.

Of course the answer is no...for everyone. The point is that everyone has private struggles - which is something I have to remind myself of often.

I'm not sure what you mean by your last sentence however. Do you mind expanding on that?
If you act right you can be confident about what you're doing, doubt comes from being uncertain (obviously). A person's actions & words need to be defensible, but they don't need to be approved of.

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
Doubting that someone is "all of their past experience" is literally calling the person a liar though. If I am doubted, that is fine, just so they don't doubt that I am going to be a help to someone that is very much like myself; whether they believe I am me or not. :-)
I think you are conflating "me" with "Aspergers."

I believe people are more than their gender, financial status, mental health, religion, employment, family history, and all such factors.

I have not called you a liar. I have not denied your existence. I have not doubted that you are all of your past experience. I have not said that asperger's does not exist.

I have expressed a level of personal doubt that _you_ personally have asperger's, based on your posts (which doubts other users, you will recall, have previously expressed on the forums), and that Einstein, Mozart, etc had it. I have not claimed to have a degree in psychology. I have not claimed to be qualified to diagnose anyone. I have not said that I am an expert in the field.

That does not mean, however, that I cannot have nor express any opinion on the matter. What I have said is that based on what I have studied and independently read (including history of the discipline), that it is my opinion that your posts do not reflect the criteria. I have also commented that I believe the condition in general is overdiagnosed (an opinion which is certainly not unique to me).

I have especially said that I *strongly* disagree that Asperger's is a gift, and that it is a disorder (or syndrome if you like; there is disagreement within the field about what to call it). I do not agree that "Aspies are superior." At all.

I'm sorry if that upsets you. I've not meant to. None of it has anything to do with ill will towards you, and none of it is a denial that you have real problems you are dealing with, or that you can be (and are!) a positive influence in the life of others. For indeed you are. :-)
Goodhart (author)  Lithium Rain4 years ago
"I have expressed a level of personal doubt that _you_ personally have asperger's,"


"I have not called you a liar."

are in direct contradition to one another, from my point of view......again, as I mentioned in my pm, I am sorry if I came "back" overly strong, but I felt betreyed that all of  what I know of the "spectrum" (asperger's is not a narrow conduit of any kind, but is a wide spanned spectrum) and how it applies to my past and present,  and how I relate to those "on the specturm" so much better then those "not on the specturm";  it was akin to saying I either am lying or I son't exist.  

Something I haven't mentioned  in detail is how the youngster I will be helping "contacted me". 
As I was at her age, she is almost hadicapped by her shyness and inability to stand being hugged more then for a few seconds before sensorial overload occurs.   She has to be reminded, at the end of meetings (church) to go give her grandparents a hug,  and that pretty much consists of going over and leaning against them. 

One day a few weeks ago, before being prompted by anyone, she came over and actually gave me a short hug.   She has done so ever since...

Her one grandma, whom I have known for over 35 years,  doubted that she was on the specturm....but, after meeting one day, we all went out to eat.   She watched the youngster and I (we were seated across frorm each other) and that hour and a half segmant of observation, convinced her that the child was "very much like me" in how we reacted to others, to food, to noise, to changes in the environment, etc. etc.   She litereally told me she thought she was watching us mirror one another, even when we weren't looking at each other.   

When she shows me her dinosaur projects,  her volcano, her bug collection, etc. etc.  she sees me being genuinely interested.   Not like grandparents are when they say "oh that's nice".  

NONE of this proves anything, but I am not out to prove anything anymore. I really am just tired of arguing, of seeking approval, of looking to others for encouragement......I find it enthralling that I may be able to make a tremendous difference in a young life.......and that is enough for me.   
So, once again, my apologies for "reacting" as I did,  I let my guard down, and just forgot how I am normally reactied to. It does no good for me  to reciprocate in kind.   I really am sorry.  

I did NOT say you are a liar. There is in fact a distinction to be drawn here. Lying implies intent to tell untruth, which I do not attribute to you. Lying does not include inadvertent, but sincere, expression of something which is or may be inaccurate. I think it's _possible_ you have said something that is inaccurate, not that you've lied. The two are not synonymous.

Again - to say that is not to deny that you exist. It is to say that it is my belief that something you believe about yourself isn't accurate. I'm not saying asperger's isn't real or valid. I know you appreciate the value of healthy skepticism, of questioning things when they don't match up to what you know; that's all I'm doing. I do not attribute anything bad or wrong to you, nor am I trying to hurt you.

I think it is absolutely wonderful that you can make a difference in someone's life. Everyone can do that, and I'm glad you are.
Goodhart (author)  Lithium Rain4 years ago
*sigh* It appears as if I can not even communicate this properly.....I look at my past, and it "ALL" fits. So, what else can I say? I "felt" personally attacked (it may not have been what you intended....but I felt that way); my bad if that was inaccurate, but then, in a way, it was to be expected....healthy skepticism is great for things that I have not "been a part of", but my past is my past, and I have hidden it well in the present.

The only way I am able to make that difference I mentioned,  is through the simularities between her and I.   I have been deluging her Mom and Dad with information, since the evaluation was finished. 

No matter how similar anyone is to someone else however, there are big differences too.
For instance, John Elder Robinson had a horrible childhood in many respects and makes mine look like a picnic. Nevertheless, there are SOME things that "ring true" showing we both "think alike" in several ways despite the wild and varied and very different  experiences (BTW:  he was the author of:  Look Me In The Eye:  my life with asperger's).   I find those similarities fascinating. Things none of my peers nor nearby neighbors ever had in common with me.

Again, I do try not to jump to conclusions, but in this case I see I have.    Still, I am asking you to try to understand my "feelings";  I do have them; oddly placed as they may appear.    :-) 

PS:  this post has been edited 8 times before submitting.... ;-)
Goodhart (author)  Lithium Rain4 years ago
This is similar but does not demonstrate  quite as bad as is sometimes is, if there are more than one person in the room, or a tv is on, with another person, etc.

Sensory overload Aspie style.... 
(Thanks for the link - that was at lemonie, but I'll have to watch the video later.)
Goodhart (author)  Lithium Rain4 years ago
Please PLEASE if you have epilepsy or any form of sensorial difficulties, do NOT watch that video. It can cause an overload, even though it is not really as "bad" as an actual episode of 4-5 senses bombarding me at once. It does give a kind of general feel for what it is like at times.
Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
It is nearly impossible for me to "care" less. But I know what you mean, I have to stop caring about what others think. I have found a new lease on life again, and a new purpose, and no one is taking it away from me with their "opinion" of what is or isn't. Denial of reality is not going to hold me back. Recusancy is going to be my middle name among the naysayers and all those that need the world to be neat and tidy and "just like they believe it should be". But still, it makes me sad that so many can only see what they believe, rather then believe what they see.
Recusancy  is "us and them" - that's not a good way to be.
You + me = us, who would you want to make "them" really? Or otherwise "what we've got here is failure to communicate..."

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
There isn't an us if there is me and the other that denies I am me...... if "others" deny that I even am....how else can I veiw that but "them" also, that is how I am viewed apparantly
No one can deny you exist; who would they be talking about?
Use your brain to understand "them", then you can feed them the right information about you - then you can achieve a state of "us".

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
They deny "who and what" I am....isn't that just short of denying I am at all?

Using my brain doesn't always help.....I understand "what" they are saying, but why they have become that way is beyond me. I only have the information I have, I have given it, and it is not acceptable apparently. I have given up on trying to get support for the enthusiasm I feel in the up coming weeks and months. I have an oppurtunity to do some real good in a young person's life...to help them avoid some of the horrors I went through as a child because no one knew "what to do with me" at the time.

People can be happy I am finaly able to really make a difference or they can deny that any difference is there TO be made.  I don't really need their approval.  And they don't have to sanction my nor anyone else's diagnoses.  

And I am going to have a HECK OF A LOT OF FUN doing it too.  :-)   Despite the lack of enthusiam some of my peers show me
Yea go for it, have a lot of fun.

Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
Oh I am already having fun.....just planning things.

So far, I have a complex model of a life sized, Hadogenes troglobyte with see through skin for her to assemble.

She likes volanoes too, so I have purchased one of the Discovery Channel's table sized models and will be modifying the sound effects, adding lights, and sparks and smoke to the "lava colored starchy solution" they use as lava.    I want this to be realistic.   :-)

Already I have thought about dinosaur models (another one of her obsessions)  and making the scoprion I mentioned earlier, move in some way (motorized claws, etc).     I can hardly get things written down or spoken into my digital note taker as fast as I come up with ideas, sometimes.    Expect some instructables before the end of next year....I want to try to document the building, modding and displaying of these teaching tools.     :-)  
Goodhart (author)  lemonie4 years ago
Yes, I "overthink" way too often.
Have you tried sublimating the knee-jerk into something non-verbal, such as a Spock-style arching of an eyebrow before turning silently to your computer terminal (or book)?
Goodhart (author)  Kiteman4 years ago
Yeah, it is catching it before it is acted on that becomes the problem....thankfully this is easier to work on then say, angry outbursts that tend to be hard to predict at times. :-)
I agree lemonie. Happy Birthday
Perhaps by "correcting " others, you think you are helping. Instead you are inadvertantly critisizing them, and that will indeed provoke hostility. I know that is never your intention Mike.That doesn't mean you can not relay your information at all, just in a kinder way. Native North Americans always patterned responses with a positive comment, then their information, and then a positive comment. It's a good pattern to be familiar with, and will help with interpersonal skills. You are a loved member of this community Mike, please don't forget that!
Goodhart (author)  porcupinemamma4 years ago
The "correcting" is explaining that I really DID go through what I did in the past, that I am not lying about it, that I have been evaluated as AS, that a young friend of mine, who picked me out of a crowd of others is now also evaluated as AS, and that I will be able to help guide her as she grows, in ways to avoid the mess I went through because I didn't know I was AS.....but it is those that deny I am who and what I am, the get my goat.
There is a book titled "All Cats Have Asperger's". I haven't read it , but it may help to educate those around you. It got good reviews on Amazon.
Goodhart (author)  CatTrampoline4 years ago
I have it, it helped a friend of mine seek evaluation......it is great for the very young and for the very uninformed.....very nice book, a bit short for the price....but it has become a great help for those nearby.....for those on the web, it is of no use however :-)
onrust4 years ago
Hey man, Facebook has an option where you can recommended suicide prevention ........wait is this a cry for help? Is your head in the oven? Are you sucking on a tailpipe? The holidays DO suck
Goodhart (author)  onrust4 years ago
PS: to quell your fears, I DO see a therapist for my AS, and co-dependency; and so they make sure I am not dropping into that kind of depression :-)
Goodhart (author)  onrust4 years ago
No, I would never take my own life. It is just SO tiresome to fight a world of ignorance (specifically, decided on ignorance; i.e. "those that decide they MUST remain ignorant in order to remain the same") and ill treatment. The holidays have nothing to do with it.....just things happening that are culminating from a build up the last 20+ years or so...
Kiteman4 years ago
Everybody has to hide aspects of themselves from other people at times.

As long as you're honest with yourself, that's the main thing.
Goodhart (author)  Kiteman4 years ago
It is difficult for me though. When I hear someone yacking about how the sun isn't "big enough" to burn for more then 6 K years....I want to help them understgand better.....but that gets me into trouble more often then not. Many people would rather not know what is true.;....and that makes me even sadder.
My usual response to stuff like this* is to ask them to provide me with the evidence that backs up their claim, or proves the mainstream model to be wrong. If their response is that "it's in the bible", then I ask them for the chapter and verse.

The Skeptic's Annotated Bible is a handy source for the contradictions and factual errors (around 900 altogether) that disqualify the bible as a reliable source of scientific evidence.

(It's slightly naughty of me, but I sometimes refuse to even listen to their biblical arguments until they have irrefutably demonstrated that the particular translation they are using is "the" correct version.)

. *Plus ghosts, aliens, psychic etc
...so, how would you irrefutably determine the correct version if you don't actually believe there IS (or can be) a correct version? This strikes me as rather sophist...
It's not when they are the ones holding to a position of inerrancy - they will typically state that "the" bible is the inerrant word of god, and  all I'm doing is asking them to clarify which of the dozens of English translations they are talking about, to make further discussions clearer.

Ah, I thought you were saying that you refused to continue discussion until they successfully argued that the particular translation they use/quote is the "correct" one (according to a metric they cannot possibly satisfactorily use), rather than merely clarifying which particular translation they are using.
That's exactly what I'm saying - to be able to argue that "their" translation is "the inerrant word of god", they have to be able to show that none of the other translations are inerrant (they all impose different interpretations on the text, so they cannot all be correct).

Then they have to account for the differences between what the bible states to be "true" and what we actually see around us, then they have to account for the internal contradictions of the bible itself.

Then, and only then, can they legitimately claim that they are basing their arguments on the inerrant word of god.

Of course, what they should do is accept that the bible is actually allegory and metaphor - a guide to living, open to many, equally-valid interpretations, rather than an accurate history of the Universe.

(NB will anybody wishing to argue the inerrancy of "the" bible please do so via PM, rather than cluttering this topic?)
Not my intention to argue that - messaged.

(Caveat - I did say I made this arguments purely for the sake of mischief)
Goodhart (author)  Kiteman4 years ago
It has all just become TOO exhausting any more....