I am SO tired....
I am just SO tired of not being able to be who I am.
If I am kind to children, I become a molester,
if I let my feelings go with free reign, am outlandish
if I don't let my feelings out, I am unfeeling,
if I speak the truth, I am a heratic
if I hold on to fantasy, I am bonkers.
If I talk about who I am, what I am, people don't want to hear it, and eventually deny it altogether;
so I can NEVER be who I am around most people... (obviously "around" means in person).
I can't win.
Also,
Can ANYONE on line truly know me, in any real capacity ? Can anyone have experienced the tremendous struggles I have
with sensory overload? Can any of you REALLY know how much I struggle day in and day out to not become cynical like the
tv character HOUSE ?
I mean, really ?
If I am kind to children, I become a molester,
if I let my feelings go with free reign, am outlandish
if I don't let my feelings out, I am unfeeling,
if I speak the truth, I am a heratic
if I hold on to fantasy, I am bonkers.
If I talk about who I am, what I am, people don't want to hear it, and eventually deny it altogether;
so I can NEVER be who I am around most people... (obviously "around" means in person).
I can't win.
Also,
Can ANYONE on line truly know me, in any real capacity ? Can anyone have experienced the tremendous struggles I have
with sensory overload? Can any of you REALLY know how much I struggle day in and day out to not become cynical like the
tv character HOUSE ?
I mean, really ?
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Here's how I cope with Normals.
I have Aspergers business cards that I hand out, to remind people that I am "handicapped." That magic word will back off all but the most belligerent drunk. Here's what I have on those cards:
http://orderofsaintpatrick.org/aspergers/plus-minus.htm
Get Temple Grandin's book, Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. It shows you the biggest land mines we ignorantly step on. I know, once she wrote the book, the title was obsolete. Rule 4 is "Honesty is Different than diplomacy." That rule grates on my nerves, but that's the way the world works.
Find people like yourself. As a mathematical/musical Aspergers, go look up esoteric special interest groups. It is "old home week." I'm a member of a Linux User's group -- they're just like myself.
My main specialty is Christian intercession. The folks in the church put up with my eccentricities because I know a lot of stuff they absolutely don't know about the Christianity they espouse.
Learn body language. "The Power of Body Language" was written by Tony Reiman who writes like an Aspergers. The acting field is full of Aspergers who found out how to act normal and did it up brown. They can act -- but they can't do small talk.
When we talk to others, we transmit information instead of body language. They don't want to hear that. We are considered boring, strange, stupid, etc. But eventually we just HAVE to talk, despite their disinterest.
That's why I recommended finding a techie group in your field of interest. They will gladly talk to you about your mutual field of interest -- and about what's happening in your life. But expect that they have been burned by normals just like you have.
Be feeling
Be a heratic
Be bonkers
Be happy
-sort it out man.
L*
*38 today!
If I "allow myself to be myself" I am afraid I will lose the only friends I have (in the locality where I live). It is a real fear because of things I've heard
Listen; a friend is someone who you trust to be right with you (and by derivation never do wrong by you or let you down)*. The friends you refer to either are or are not, irrespective.
Think about this; if people don't really know who you are (because you're hiding stuff) how can they really be your friends?
L
*You know how to do this, I think that you're everyone's friend and that's a good thing.
Your best reasoning might be "OK, I could- but it's not going to end up with anything being better, so I won't this time."
L
Yes, but if I have someone in my bed there aren't many things more important to me.
L
A good question to ask is "what difference will it make?". Will you feel any better, will anyone learn anything useful?
L
L
I am soooo tired of defending "WHO I AM" to people. Even some here at Instructables. If they'd EVER have to live inside my head for one day, many of them would end up in a ward. Enough said.
L
"Can ANYONE on line truly know someone else, in any real capacity ? Can anyone have experienced the tremendous struggles everyone else has with many things? Can you REALLY know how much everyone struggles day in and day out with their problems? I mean, really ?"
All that only matters to the self, people want to spend more time thinking about how other people know them to be. That just has to be right, and nothing more.
L
Of course the answer is no...for everyone. The point is that everyone has private struggles - which is something I have to remind myself of often.
I'm not sure what you mean by your last sentence however. Do you mind expanding on that?
Sensory overload Aspie style....
L
I believe people are more than their gender, financial status, mental health, religion, employment, family history, and all such factors.
I have not called you a liar. I have not denied your existence. I have not doubted that you are all of your past experience. I have not said that asperger's does not exist.
I have expressed a level of personal doubt that _you_ personally have asperger's, based on your posts (which doubts other users, you will recall, have previously expressed on the forums), and that Einstein, Mozart, etc had it. I have not claimed to have a degree in psychology. I have not claimed to be qualified to diagnose anyone. I have not said that I am an expert in the field.
That does not mean, however, that I cannot have nor express any opinion on the matter. What I have said is that based on what I have studied and independently read (including history of the discipline), that it is my opinion that your posts do not reflect the criteria. I have also commented that I believe the condition in general is overdiagnosed (an opinion which is certainly not unique to me).
I have especially said that I *strongly* disagree that Asperger's is a gift, and that it is a disorder (or syndrome if you like; there is disagreement within the field about what to call it). I do not agree that "Aspies are superior." At all.
I'm sorry if that upsets you. I've not meant to. None of it has anything to do with ill will towards you, and none of it is a denial that you have real problems you are dealing with, or that you can be (and are!) a positive influence in the life of others. For indeed you are. :-)
and
"I have not called you a liar."
are in direct contradition to one another, from my point of view......again, as I mentioned in my pm, I am sorry if I came "back" overly strong, but I felt betreyed that all of what I know of the "spectrum" (asperger's is not a narrow conduit of any kind, but is a wide spanned spectrum) and how it applies to my past and present, and how I relate to those "on the specturm" so much better then those "not on the specturm"; it was akin to saying I either am lying or I son't exist.
Something I haven't mentioned in detail is how the youngster I will be helping "contacted me".
As I was at her age, she is almost hadicapped by her shyness and inability to stand being hugged more then for a few seconds before sensorial overload occurs. She has to be reminded, at the end of meetings (church) to go give her grandparents a hug, and that pretty much consists of going over and leaning against them.
One day a few weeks ago, before being prompted by anyone, she came over and actually gave me a short hug. She has done so ever since...
Her one grandma, whom I have known for over 35 years, doubted that she was on the specturm....but, after meeting one day, we all went out to eat. She watched the youngster and I (we were seated across frorm each other) and that hour and a half segmant of observation, convinced her that the child was "very much like me" in how we reacted to others, to food, to noise, to changes in the environment, etc. etc. She litereally told me she thought she was watching us mirror one another, even when we weren't looking at each other.
When she shows me her dinosaur projects, her volcano, her bug collection, etc. etc. she sees me being genuinely interested. Not like grandparents are when they say "oh that's nice".
NONE of this proves anything, but I am not out to prove anything anymore. I really am just tired of arguing, of seeking approval, of looking to others for encouragement......I find it enthralling that I may be able to make a tremendous difference in a young life.......and that is enough for me.
So, once again, my apologies for "reacting" as I did, I let my guard down, and just forgot how I am normally reactied to. It does no good for me to reciprocate in kind. I really am sorry.
Again - to say that is not to deny that you exist. It is to say that it is my belief that something you believe about yourself isn't accurate. I'm not saying asperger's isn't real or valid. I know you appreciate the value of healthy skepticism, of questioning things when they don't match up to what you know; that's all I'm doing. I do not attribute anything bad or wrong to you, nor am I trying to hurt you.
I think it is absolutely wonderful that you can make a difference in someone's life. Everyone can do that, and I'm glad you are.
The only way I am able to make that difference I mentioned, is through the simularities between her and I. I have been deluging her Mom and Dad with information, since the evaluation was finished.
No matter how similar anyone is to someone else however, there are big differences too.
For instance, John Elder Robinson had a horrible childhood in many respects and makes mine look like a picnic. Nevertheless, there are SOME things that "ring true" showing we both "think alike" in several ways despite the wild and varied and very different experiences (BTW: he was the author of: Look Me In The Eye: my life with asperger's). I find those similarities fascinating. Things none of my peers nor nearby neighbors ever had in common with me.
Again, I do try not to jump to conclusions, but in this case I see I have. Still, I am asking you to try to understand my "feelings"; I do have them; oddly placed as they may appear. :-)
PS: this post has been edited 8 times before submitting.... ;-)
You + me = us, who would you want to make "them" really? Or otherwise "what we've got here is failure to communicate..."
L
Use your brain to understand "them", then you can feed them the right information about you - then you can achieve a state of "us".
L
Using my brain doesn't always help.....I understand "what" they are saying, but why they have become that way is beyond me. I only have the information I have, I have given it, and it is not acceptable apparently. I have given up on trying to get support for the enthusiasm I feel in the up coming weeks and months. I have an oppurtunity to do some real good in a young person's life...to help them avoid some of the horrors I went through as a child because no one knew "what to do with me" at the time.
People can be happy I am finaly able to really make a difference or they can deny that any difference is there TO be made. I don't really need their approval. And they don't have to sanction my nor anyone else's diagnoses.
And I am going to have a HECK OF A LOT OF FUN doing it too. :-) Despite the lack of enthusiam some of my peers show me
L
So far, I have a complex model of a life sized, Hadogenes troglobyte with see through skin for her to assemble.
She likes volanoes too, so I have purchased one of the Discovery Channel's table sized models and will be modifying the sound effects, adding lights, and sparks and smoke to the "lava colored starchy solution" they use as lava. I want this to be realistic. :-)
Already I have thought about dinosaur models (another one of her obsessions) and making the scoprion I mentioned earlier, move in some way (motorized claws, etc). I can hardly get things written down or spoken into my digital note taker as fast as I come up with ideas, sometimes. Expect some instructables before the end of next year....I want to try to document the building, modding and displaying of these teaching tools. :-)
As long as you're honest with yourself, that's the main thing.
The Skeptic's Annotated Bible is a handy source for the contradictions and factual errors (around 900 altogether) that disqualify the bible as a reliable source of scientific evidence.
(It's slightly naughty of me, but I sometimes refuse to even listen to their biblical arguments until they have irrefutably demonstrated that the particular translation they are using is "the" correct version.)
. *Plus ghosts, aliens, psychic etc
Then they have to account for the differences between what the bible states to be "true" and what we actually see around us, then they have to account for the internal contradictions of the bible itself.
Then, and only then, can they legitimately claim that they are basing their arguments on the inerrant word of god.
Of course, what they should do is accept that the bible is actually allegory and metaphor - a guide to living, open to many, equally-valid interpretations, rather than an accurate history of the Universe.
(NB will anybody wishing to argue the inerrancy of "the" bible please do so via PM, rather than cluttering this topic?)
(Caveat - I did say I made this arguments purely for the sake of mischief)