Ok, thank you to all who helped me "search myself".....
I FOUND IT !
After MUCH soul searching, I finally found my trigger and it is NO WONDER I was having a difficult time "coming to this conclusion" it is because the trigger itself was preventing me from admitting the trigger to myself LOL I think I shall go and Irony some shirts now ;-)
FEAR ! The great negative motivator. I had failed at a few projects, and feared starting ANYTHING, for fear of another disappointment. Now, it really is simple; I came to this when I realized I was starting to come out of my depression, but not all the way, and was preparing and preparing, and gathering "intelligence" and info, but still delaying the start of the project......I always needed more INFO but only because I feared having the whole thing FLOP. It came to me this morning and I felt relief that NOW I can move past that, and get to work on changing it, because I have never feared failure in this way before. But then, I am getting old and doddering ;-)