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Ok, thank you to all who helped me "search myself".....


I FOUND IT !
After MUCH soul searching, I finally found my trigger and it is NO WONDER I was having a difficult time "coming to this conclusion" it is because the trigger itself was preventing me from admitting the trigger to myself LOL I think I shall go and Irony some shirts now ;-)

FEAR ! The great negative motivator. I had failed at a few projects, and feared starting ANYTHING, for fear of another disappointment. Now, it really is simple; I came to this when I realized I was starting to come out of my depression, but not all the way, and was preparing and preparing, and gathering "intelligence" and info, but still delaying the start of the project......I always needed more INFO but only because I feared having the whole thing FLOP. It came to me this morning and I felt relief that NOW I can move past that, and get to work on changing it, because I have never feared failure in this way before. But then, I am getting old and doddering ;-)

Picture of Ok, thank you to all who helped me
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craftyv6 years ago
Dear Goodhart. I resisted the urge to comment on your recent feeling of (non-motivation) because I know that you knew all the suggestions without being told.
I am glad you are feeling better. My only point is this- what matters is the action, creativity, tactile and mental satisfaction of just DOING. The end result is unimportant in the scheme of things. Just get involved and reflect on the Act of doing. I know we will see and hear from you again. craftyv.
Goodhart (author)  craftyv6 years ago
Yes, and that was part of the problem.....I went WEEKS without "doing" anything because I just couldn't bring myself TO do them....It can be hard sometimes.....
M. please be gentle with yourself. It sounds to me like a very real medical problem. From reading closely, I am wondering if you are experiencing a chemically induced depression-which is totally beyond your control-not your fault. There are lots of excellent anti-depresents available, and if that is what you need, you could be feeling so much better if you and your doctor decide it might be an option for you. Personally, I had many of the same symptoms, and medical intervention has been a real God send. You can't ask a person with one leg to run a marathon with runners who have two legs and expect the person with one leg to win.
Goodhart (author)  porcupinemamma6 years ago
Sadly, I can rant all I want about how the "situation" I endure causes this, but the fact remains that it is "my reaction to" the situation that causes the release of endorphins or cortisol or whatever. I have what I need to keep things from "getting out of hand (no thoughts of suicide or anything like that ;-)  I just have to "face" the rest of it.

You wrote: You can't ask a person with one leg to run a marathon with runners who have two legs and expect the person with one leg to win.

Maybe not but I have seen someone with only half legs run as fast (with the proper prosthetics) as someone  born with legs. I do have the help I need and it works most of the time, but sometimes I do feel a bit buried......as long as I muddle my way through,  I come out feeling better for not having "fried my brain" on extra meds.  
You know that your friends at Instructables wish only the best for you.
Goodhart (author)  craftyv6 years ago
I know, and I thank you all for the thoughts ...
Mike, "the proper prosthetics" were made by medical professionals, who knew they could help. There is no shame in accepting meds (although I felt VERY ashamed that I couldn't "fix" myself) If that is what you need-and of course I'm not a doctor and have no right to try and diagnose anything at all (and would never try to) It was just a suggestion that you might want to explore-a suggestion made out of love and respect for you. NO judgement inferred what so ever Mike.
The issues you described sounded so familiar to me. I gave away all my art supplies, because I had no desire or inspiration to create anything-which is unfathamamable if you had seen the art I had made in the past. I felt so useless, when my depression hit that getting out of bed was a major accomplishment. I finally did, and friends found me wandering in the snow in the forest with only light clothing on. I had a very serious situation, and was hospitalized. I couldn't decide whether to speak french or english-(and I only speak english.) Getting the right "cocktail" of meds was horrible, and I went through some tumultious times while the doctors tried to figure out which drugs would help; finally, I think they have it. For sure the "fried brain" situation was very real for a while. It's not a path to walk that I wish for anyone, but it was one I had to walk, and I am able to carry on again. I do live in fear of having to go through med adjustments though, and I totally understand your trepidations. {{{{Lyn}}}}
Goodhart (author)  porcupinemamma6 years ago
Lyn, I am on a medication that does the job without doing TOO much harm to my creativity. There has been a LOT of research done recently that demonstrate the co-incidence of anxiety, paranoia, and some forms of extended creativity.
I would, at this point in time, rather live on the very edge of that, having the Lexipro take care of the anxiety and yet making attempts at dealing with the depression that living like/with what I must for now, brings on from time to time.  After over 50 years of this, I feel more like John Nash in this respect.
It is not "unmanageable", but it does get very annoying at times. In fact, I have been "run through the wringer" as far is being the test subject for most of the meds out there, and most of them took away my creativity to the point that they "caused" more depression then they could ever relieve.
As bad as things get though, as long as I don't have that "condition" happen again, I am golden.  Back then, I had felt several times like giving up, and just allowing nature to take its course. This recent depression, as bad as it was, doesn't even come close to that however.  There is a very real "situation" that I need to "take care of"; i.e. work out, in order to relieve myself totally of these episodes, but for now, I am able to "take on a fresh view point" when I find I am not alone; and it works out well.   Again, thank you for your input....it is not ignored, it is just that I have been there and back again enough to understand and not want to go the route again.
Thank you, you can not know how much you are appreciated. :-)
caitlinsdad6 years ago
Why don't we ever see your face, sir?

L
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