Poetry Project for School: Critique my Poem, plz?

Dearest Iblers, We had to do a poetry project for school where we select a few poems that we like and write about them, and then we have to write a poem of our own. So, if you'd be so kind as to critique this for me. that'd be rather swell :) It's a bit long :/

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caitlinsdad8 years ago
John Cougar MellonLabot I liked it. Well crafted story. Just a little rough on how it was visually written, I mean a little hard to get into the flow with uneven length sentences, then again I'm no poet.
Labot2001 (author)  caitlinsdad8 years ago
Why is Labot being compared to John Cougar Melloncamp?
It just had a Jack and Diane vibe to it...
Labot2001 (author)  caitlinsdad8 years ago
I guess so.
And if that poem was written from the heart, you know you grew up too fast...sigh.
lemonie8 years ago
It's a bit too much narrative. You need to create that narrative without being so straightforward. Quite a few summers ago, Back when I lived in Texas, My friends and I were quite bored, with nothing to do. We were all hanging around by the creek that day, Me and Bill and Nick and John Just throwing rocks around and catching tadpoles and other things of that nature. It was really boring. Concentrate on the most important words: summer, Texas(maybe), bored, creek, friends - " throwing rocks around and catching tadpoles" is a good phrase. Build the picture of the events without telling a simple account, Sun, hot sun, blinding face-searing sun. The cool water of the creek, the ripples from tossed-rocks thrown in boredom out of something to do. The tiny new life so easily scooped-up out of it's habitat - God we were bored, how we would have sold our souls to Satan for some jet-skis... Be creative and use your imagination L
Labot2001 (author)  lemonie8 years ago
Haha, I like it. Thanks for the tips :D
Dost have the lad write prose in iambic pentameter not unbecomest of a Shakespearean sonnet?
Probably not, but it might score points? L
NachoMahma8 years ago
. But it doesn't rhyme! heehee . I thought it was very good. . I can just imagine someone like Maya Angelou reciting it. Not that is sounds like her poetry, I just think her speaking style would fit your poem. . The last full paragraph seemed a little awkward to me. . . Since there is no formatting of the text, using TXT (instead of RTF) would probably make it easier for most ppl to use.
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