Why are pirates so funny? They just AARRRR!

A man walks into a bar....Ouch!

What bug has 12 legs and is green with red spots?
I don't know but it's crawling up you leg!

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Klingons are not afraid of the dark!

and

How many Cocker Spanials does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They don't need the light to pee on the carpet.

and

How does Bill Gates change a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb up and the universe rotates around him.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of blacktop in his hand and says to the bartender:
"I'll take 2 drinks. One for me and one for the road."

Did you hear about the new pirate movie? Its rated Ahrrrrrr :)

A dope walks into a bar with a pile of dog poop in his hand and says "look what I almost stepped in!"

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, then calmly eats it. When he is finished, he pulls a gun from his fur, fires a shot into the ceiling, then puts the gun away, and walks out. The bartender is understandably freaked out, and asks his patrons what the hell just happened. One guy produces a dictionary and tells the bartender: "Se,, that was perfectly normal behavior, actually. See, under the dictionary definition for panda it says "Giant panda, native of China. Eats shoots and leaves.""

also

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He sits down at the bar, and from the bag produces a lizard, a tiny piano, and a butterfly. The lizard begins to play amazing music on the piano, while the butterfly sings a magnificent aria. Everyone in the bar is amazed, and one guy says: "That's amazing!"
"Nah," says the man, "It's not what it seems like, you see, the lizard is a ventriloquist. "

And the last...

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He sets it on the bar, and pulls a little man and a tiny piano out of it. The tiny man begins to play the piano. Everyone in the bar is amazed, and huddles around the man to watch. Suddenly, a man runs in and says
"You guys aren't going to this, but there's a big truck out front, and the back popped open and a huge cloud of ducks flew out!" The man at the bar with the tiny piano and the little man says
"Damn, those were my ducks!" The bartender is getting really curious by now, so he walks up and asks the man
"So buddy, where did you get this little man and all the ducks?" The man replies,
"I rubbed a bottle and out comes a genie, who offered me two wishes. He was a little deaf though, unfortunately." The bartender asks
"What do you mean he was deaf?" The man replies
'Well, do you think I would have wished for a million bucks and a ten inch pianist?"

Fin

A 75 year old man is driving his car somewhat erratically down a main road at 3.00am when he is pulled over by the police.
As the cop leans into the window the old man asks "is there some sort of problem officer?"
"You seem to be having some trouble keeping control of your car sir" he replied "where are you off to at this time of the morning sir?" he asked noting the smell of whisky on the old guys breath.
Well office it's like this, drawled the driver obviously more than a little bit the worse for drink "I'm on my way to a lecture about the consequences of constantly staying out late smoking cigars mixing with loose women & drinking too much"
"Oh yes sir" says the cop thinking the old man is obviously feeding him a line "and who would be giving a lecture at this time in the morning?"
"Well my wife of course" said the old guy smiling...