Something Ain't Working - A Bug Report

Something ain't working.

That's right, I said something ain't working. And I demand that you fix it right now. Just to make sure that you get how irritated I am, I'll say it again in all caps: FIX IT RIGHT NOW!!!!! See how I put a bunch of exclamation points, too? That shows that I mean business. Yessir, I am not a person to be trifled with. I have a Shift key, and I'm not afraid to use it. Tremble before my wrath!

So go fix it! And no, I'm not going to tell you what it is. I am the customer. It's not my job to provide useful information, and besides, my time is very precious to me. Sure, it would take maybe five minutes for me to tell you what happened, what section of the site it happened in, which link I clicked, what browser and OS I'm using, whether it happened once or a thousand times, when I first noticed it, or whether it's already been reported by someone else, but those five minutes are MY TIME!! I am the customer, and I absolutely refuse to participate in any way, except to tell you that something ain't working and I'm REALLY REALLY ANGRY about it. 

Instead, I expect the staff to go check every link and every button on every page on the whole site, using every single combination of browsers, operating systems, plug-ins, security settings, hardware and connectivity options that exists. And you'd darn well better hope that when you've done all of that and discovered every possible bug, you fix mine first. Or I'll type more stuff in ALL CAPS!

And don't even think about suggesting that there might be something I could do on my end to fix it. I will not put forth any effort whatsoever! I AM THE CUSTOMER! So what if I'm not clicking the right button? It's YOUR JOB to come to my house and click the right button for me, because THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! That means you have to drop everything and do whatever I say, no matter how irrational or counter-productive it is. It also means that none of your other customers' bugs mean anything at all, just mine. Because I am THE customer.

So hop to it! Something still ain't working. You better fix it right now, or I'm gonna file a complaint with the cops, my Congressman, FEMA, my mom and Jesus. I'll probably do that in all caps, too. Well, maybe not the one to Jesus.