The best car ad ever made

A family member sent me this ad that was posted on craigslist, while it was the most explicit ad I've ever seen, I'd prefer this over any normal ad. Enjoy those who feel comfortable reading this.

DISCLAIMER:  I bleeped (****) out any explicit words...... Though I could have missed s-something.  And explicit's definition is different between people
Side note: If anyone thinks this is a tad (or more than a tad) over the top, PM me or reply saying so. I'll delete it.
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- If you think you'll be offended by this ad... DON'T READ IT. 
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POS 1994 Honda Civic LX for sale - $600 (Marietta, GA)

Date: 2010-07-11, 4:49PM EDT
Reply to: sale-63pgj-1837513434@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

That's right, you can own a piece of shi... history right now for only $600. You may wonder why I didn't post a picture and that's because with a car this crappy, a photo is not needed. Just imagine the worst possible car and then picture a camel taking a dump in the trunk and you'll have a close approximation. You don't need to worry about me lying... it really is a POS. There is no risk of you getting over here and finding out it's really a gorgeous gem worth thousands... that doesn't happen...ever. But if for some reason that's actually happened to you, then you are acquainted with a crazy cosmic karma that has never thought to even piss in my face.

I almost had a date on PlentyofFish and you know what happened? The f***ing AC died. For two years while I was not dating, it worked fine. The day after I get digits, the AC craps out. The car also has a weird hesitation problem that was not fixed even when I replaced the fuel filter. What could cause all of these things? Satan in the drive train...that's right... it's rare, but it happens to guys like me. This car is actually demon-possessed so you can forget about any sort of easy fix. Jesus said you need faith to cast out demons like this and believe me there are only two people on the planet that have that sort of faith. One guy lives in a cave in India and the other guy is dead. And you can forget about the guy in the cave helping you because, if you can find him, he's just going to tell you how physical setbacks are really spiritual blessings...blah blah blah...yada yada yada. Exactly. Don't expect sympathy from any motherf***er that sits around in his underwear in a cave.

Other problems with this car include busted boots on the tie-rod ends, busted wheel hub boots, broken AC, leaking power steering system, ABS light always on, check-engine light comes on occasionally, driver window sometimes comes off the track, paint has permanent dirt in it (yes, it's f***ing permanent...you can't scrub it out with anything less than sandpaper or some highly explosive chemical that causes cancer in 49 states and erectile dysfunction in the 50th.)

The car does drive, but that's about all it's good for. Good luck getting it to pass emissions. I've never tried as it's still registered in Clarke County. If you want to date, this car is probably not for you. On a positive note though, I can assure you no one has ever had sex in it. It would take a miracle to get a girl to even sit in this car, much less take her clothes off in it.

Other possible uses for this car included entertainment at frat parties. You could charge people $5 a swing with a baseball bat, although you still probably wouldn't recover your investment. You might be able to sell it to the Mythbusters and get the to test the myth, "Is it possible that a car could really be this s***ty?" Adam Savage and Kari Byron will have a field day and close it off with "Myth f***ing confirmed" and a side comment from Kari about how whatever d*****bag use to own it must have never been laid.

There are some positives like a beautiful Lumar 32% tint job, keyless entry with remote trunk release, an Alpine CD Player, and Pioneer speakers in the door. So at worst, you can sit in your driveway and listen to music with a bottle of Jergens and a picture of Eliza Dushku. I really wouldn't recommend taking it on the road until you replace the tie-rod ends. You might crash into a bus full of nuns and then the Pope will reign motherf***ing hail fire down on your betrodden a** with more fury than the inquisition because you actually decided to drive and be seen in such an amazing POS, killing 20 of his lovely Sisters.

One other thing you might use this car would be pushing it off a cliff. If you've ever wanted to see what it's like first hand for a car to fall hundreds of feet and smash against rock, then here's your chance. Although don't be surprised if this demon-possessed sleigh from hell manages to f*** up your good time even in that bold scenario. I don't know how it would, but it would probably figure out a way.

If there are any parents out there reading this, don't let your children fall into the situation I'm in. I would never have ended up with this car if I had pursued a real career. But instead I majored in math where the best job I can find now is up in Portland with a bunch of bran muffin eating hippies, jerking off Moose for 75 cents a smile for some wildlife conservation sperm bank. Let your kids do something with good with their future, like wait tables at Denny's.

Oh yeah... it's white, 4 doors, and automatic. Whooptie-f***in-do!  

kelseymh7 years ago
Yes, this is totally f******ing awesome. If you didn't make it up yourself, muchos kudos for finding it! And, on a positive note, somebody, somewhere, is going to read this and actually go and buy the advertised POS. Awesome!
ry25920 (author)  kelseymh7 years ago
If only the Automotive Industry used this to make flyers.