Instructables

What Do You Think Of These Jokes 3

I'm sorry this took so long to post(I've been a little busy), but here are some more jokes.

1. The Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

2. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''

3. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

well let me know which one(s) are your favorite!
just comment down below!
next post due January, 23,2013 (I'm posting something every other wednesday)
until then, remember to comment,and subscribe!:)

i like the 2 jokes the
daredevil499 (author)  hellmaster9931 year ago
that makes no sense. what do you mean?
i like the 2 jokes sorry for adding the word the bad spelling
daredevil499 (author)  hellmaster9931 year ago
:-)
=)
=)
Monica Lewinsky
There is a new school in the south called The Monica Lewinsky
School of Business, where our motto is you get a head by giving.
We have Richard Simmons as the dean of physical education.
And Bill Clinton as the dean of Political Sciences specializing in oral
exams.
Michael Jackson gave up the seat, as Dean of the Music Department to
PeeWee Herman sighting the student body was to mature for his
curriculum.
And Jason Vorheas is dean of self-defense and summer school.
By
Josehf Lloyd Murchison
2 guys go 2 a hunting class, ware they learn that 3 shots in the air is a universal sign for emergency. on their first trip they of corse go and get lost. they remember wat they learned and fire 3 shots in the air. they wate two hours and no one comes. they fire 3 more times. they again wate 2 hrs and still no one has helped them. one guy says "shud we shoot again?" other guy says "no theres only 2 arrows left"
Kiteman1 year ago
Amusing, but they're way older than you are.

Do you write your own material as well?
daredevil499 (author)  Kiteman1 year ago
i try but they suck.
I write music
Can we hear some of your music?

L
My Darling Dear

On a business trip up north I hit a deer with my car. Since in Ontario
you can keep road kill I dropped the dear off at a local butcher and
continued on my trip. On the way back from my business I picked up
the venison from the butcher and brought it home.

My wife was preparing a roast of venison for supper and I asked her
not to tell our two children what the roast was, If they asked I would
give them a hint.

When supper was served I told the children we were eating something
special for dinner. They recognized the potatoes and vegetables right
away when my son asked, “What kind of meat is this daddy?”

When I told him that it was something mommy calls daddy.

My daughter yelled, “Don’t eat it Billy it’s an ass hole.”

By
Josehf Lloyd Murchison
LOL
daredevil499 (author)  lemonie1 year ago
it might be a little while because, I want to wait until i get a good guitar amp. my current amp has a loud buzz and has poor sound quality. i will let you know when i post some.
:-)
daredevil499 (author)  lemonie1 year ago
maybe i'll try
So don't post jokes, post videos.
daredevil499 (author)  Kiteman1 year ago
do i have to upload to a video site to post a video or can i upload straight from the camera. i can't upload to other sites
You can post it as a file here (pretend it's an image), but the best way is to upload to YouTube, and then embed it here.
daredevil499 (author)  Kiteman1 year ago
i can't upload to youtube so i'll have to try the other way
Dry Clean Shampoo

For whatever reason, my daughter hates washing her hair (possibly because she has so much of it). But off she’d go, dutifully told to jump in the shower and wash her hair. She would emerged about an hour later with a towel draped around her and nearly bone-dry hair except for the very last inch.

“What happened to the ‘washing your hair?” I asked.

She didn’t even flinch. “I did wash my hair, Daddy,” she said.

“Then why isn’t your hair wet?”

Again, not a flinch, merely a look that suggested I should already know the answer. “Well I didn’t use water, I dry cleaned it,” she blurted out.

Knowing she was trying to pull a fast one, I walk over and gently grab a handful of hair. Sniff, sniff. “Funny,” I noted, “it doesn’t smell like dry clean shampoo.”

And then, it happened. “That’s because I did a great job rinsing it out.” Even as the words were coming out of her mouth, she realized she’d blown it.

By
Josehf Lloyd Murchison

Kids say the dandiest things
Proud to Pee

When you got to go, you got to go, so do it all with pride.
Cuz kidney stones are hard as bones and your pissers not that wide.

By
Josehf Lloyd Murchison
Now this one I like more than the jokes on top.
Screams


It’s late at night and I’m working at my computer, I like this time to do my writing my wife and kids are in bed sleeping. The house is quiet and there’s nothing to disturb me as I write.

Well this night our tenant in the basement apartment has his girlfriend over. They’re playing like young lover’s do tickling and running around with the exuberance of youth, and I remember when Anne and I were young. How we would laugh and play and do all kinds of silly things that we never do now. I began to think about how I missed those days of living without a care in the world. This went on for about twenty minutes and I didn’t want them to wake up Anne and the kids so I went to the door to the common hallway and hollered down the stares. “Joe! HEY JOE!”

Joe opened the door and said, “I’m sorry about the noise.”

“Not that,” I said, “If it hurts that much use Vaseline.”
I didn’t hear a peep for the rest of the night.


By
Josehf Lloyd Murchison
ok that's a bit dirty but funny.
lol
Miranda Rights


An attractive female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you".

The drunk says: "Boobs”.
?
Plo Koon1 year ago
here's one:

So theres this cop on the side of the road watching for speeders. He sees a convertible with 3 three teenagers in it.... and a PIG in the backseat. So the cop turns his siren and lights on and pulls them over.

"Wat are u guys doin with a pig?" he says.

The driver replies, " Well, officer, we saw him in the road and picked him up so he doesn't get run over."

The cop says, "I want you boys to take this pig right to the zoo. that's a gud place 4 him."

"alright officer will do." and they drive away.

Next day, the cop sees the same car, with the same teens, and the same pig in the backseat. So he pulls them over again.

"I thot I told u guys to take this pig 2 the zoo!"

"well, officer, that's just wat we did, and he had such a gud time, 2day we're takin him 2 King's Island."
#3 :p
daredevil499 (author)  sandroknexmaster1 year ago
i like that one two
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