If corn oil is made with corn and peanut oil is made with peanuts, then what is baby oil made with?
The answer: Baby oil is made with mineral oil and fragrance by industrial professionals; babies don't have the fine motor skills or chemistry knowledge to create baby oil, duh.
Baby oil is useful for a lot of things beyond baby bottoms. It'll smooth, soften, lubricate, refinish, clean, and so much more. It also has some usual uses for which it really oughtn't be used. Read on for some tips and tricks that'll help you step your baby oil game up.
Step 1: First, Some Don'ts
Don't use baby oil to tan. Melanoma looks bad enough without being shiny.
Don't eat baby oil. It has laxative properties and likely doesn't taste delicious. (Mineral oil is safe for human consumption, but only up to around 100 mg. Many of those milligrams come from food-grade mineral oil that's used in baking and other industrial food processing places because it's odorless and tasteless. My guess is that baby oil mineral oil isn't food-grade. Stay safe: don't guzzle a bottle of it.)
Don't use it in your 2-stroke engine.
Don't aim baby oil at helicopter pilots. Wait... that's for lasers. But you should still be careful around helicopter pilots with baby oil. It can be a slip-fall hazard, and pilots prefer the scent of aviation fuel.
Step 2: Get Latex Paint Off of Skin
Latex paints and primers are sneaky. Sometimes they just rub off like rubber cement, other times they'll stay in your knuckles for a couple of days. Whenever some Lava soap couldn't get all the Lemon Ice or Chesapeake Gray paint off of my hands, baby oil would come to the rescue.
Rub a little onto the part of your body covered in paint using a cotton ball, shop towel, napkin, or anything else you've got on hand that will absorb the baby oil. Rub in concentric circles from the outside in without applying too much pressure. This isn't a scrub, it's more a gentle, localized massage. You can scrub to your heart's content after you've washed it off with some soap and water, once you feel you've made some progress with the oil.
This worked when I dropped a five gallon bucket of paint on myself while on a ladder in a Sears, because five gallons manages to get past the normal problem areas (hands, arms, flecks on the face from rolling out a ceiling) and into some unusual locations that could be sensitive to paint thinner. Presumably the oil degrades the latex to the point that it will flake off. This is why condom + baby oil = one beautiful bundle of joy 9 months later.
Step 3: Massage Oil
Step 4: Remove Earwax
For the temporarily hearing impaired, there's an easy home remedy to handle that waxy buildup: baby oil!
While laying on your side or tilting your head so your affected ear is up, drop five drops of baby oil inside (warmed, if you really want to dissolve the mess) your ear. Let it stay for long enough to dissolve some of the wax, then let the oil drain out onto a clean towel or into the sink. A small amount of warm water can be used to dislodge any last bits with a small bulb or needle-less syringe.
Step 5: Take Off Eye Makeup
This one does double duty: removes makeup and makes your eyelids soft and supple.
Step 6: Bath Oil
Step 7: Post-shave Oil
Step 8: Keep Warm
There are limits to how helpful or practical this is. You can't just grease up and head out in your skivvies when birds are dropping from trees encased in ice. But YMMV.
Step 9: Soften Cracked or Dry Heels
Apply some baby oil over your heel before bed, put on some socks, then wake up transformed like a Jergens-Kafka mashup.
Step 10: Reduce Stretch Marks During Pregnancy
But baby oil is perfect, since you're applying the oil directly to the baby's temporary home.
Step 11: Shine Wooden Furniture
The mineral oil will put a nice shine on the furniture, helping to create a water-proof barrier and an understated shine that should impress any and all guests. Plus, it'll smell fresh and baby-like.
Step 12: Untangle a Necklace Chain
Presto! You just saved a couple grand by not throwing away your jewelry. You're welcome.
Step 13: Remove Bubblegum, Wax, or Bandaids
This is a particularly good method of removing excess wax after an eyebrow or bikini job.
For those of you who remove more band-aids than body hair, applying some baby oil around the bandage is a great middle-of-the-road option for people who can't subscribe to the RIP IT OFF! camp or the IT'LL FALL OFF ON ITS OWN, DON'T TOUCH IT! contingent. Firm but gentle, that's the way to do it. Tough love.