Introduction: Bonfire Banana Boat
Picture the following scenario:
You're a banana.
You're at a bonfire, beach fire or barbecue*. There's a real party atmosphere. People are milling around, telling stories and aimlessly poking the flames with sticks. Maybe some alcohol is being passed around. Maybe some songs are being sung. Everybody is having a good time. Everybody except you.
Even though you do your best to hide it, you can never quite relax at social events where you know food might be involved. Why? Because part of you is always dreading that moment when people start to choose their meals and you just know that you'll be left sitting in the picnic basket with the herrings and the inexplicable can of prunes.
You've always thought of yourself as a strong, independent fruit. You're high in fiber and potassium, you're easily portable and you don't make a mess when you get eaten. You've got a lot going for you. You've learned to tune out the unattainable body images of sausages and hot dogs that used to turn you green with envy. In one-to-one situations or when you're hanging out with a bunch of close friends, you generally feel pretty comfortable in your own skin.
At a big outdoor party, however, you can't help worrying that fruit just isn't cool enough. If only there were a way to make yourself more enticing to hungry (and slightly drunk) humans...
Amazingly, there is! You won't believe this one weird old trick for making yourself irresistibly delicious in just minutes! Doctors hate it!
Follow these simple instructions to turn yourself into a tasty bonfire banana boat!
What you'll need:
- yourself (i.e. a banana)
- aluminum foil
*Or any other convivial conflagration conducive to camaraderie, conversation and casual calorific consumption.
Carefully slice yourself open from one end to the other. Make sure the knife goes all the way through your skin and, ideally, most of the way through your firm, starchy flesh.
You may need a human to help you with this step and all of the following steps.
Step 2: Slice and Dice
Divide yourself into several smaller segments. This is less painful than it sounds. Try to focus on how good it will feel to be eaten later.
Step 3: Sweeten the Deal
Take chunks of chocolate and wedge them into a few of your new internal wounds, dividing your boat's hull into a series of cabins.
Step 4: Passengers in the Boat
Take three large marshmallows and berth them each into a different chocolate cabin on your ship. Don't worry about the fact that you can't fit these marshmallows completely inside yourself; they're mostly air, so they'll shrink down in volume once they start to melt into your increasingly tender flesh.
Step 5: Wrap Up Warm
Cover yourself completely in some snazzy and eye-catching aluminum foil. Make sure the ends are folded over so you don't need to worry about making a mess if you get too gooey later.
Step 6: Work Up a Sweat
Spend five to ten minutes hanging out at the edge of the fire. During this time you should develop a healthy tan and feel all the tension drain from your body.
Don't get complacent! If you stay too long or too close to the fire you'll relax so much that you'll become an inedible burnt mess.
Step 7: Emerge From Your Cocoon
If a phoenix had a chrysalis, it would look like this. Unwrap yourself with aplomb and instantly become the life of the party! Invite everyone to grab a spoon (or stick) and try a chunk of your delicious chocolatey body!
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