After I finished working on this project, I had a tough time deciding what tone I wanted to give the Instructable. I asked myself "What thoughts or emotions does a children's doll attached to the front of a knife block incite?". There were so many choices: creepy, sick, offensive, stupid, dangerous, appalling, twisted, objectionable, distasteful ... the list goes on and on; however, in the end, I decided that "disturbing" would be the best direction to head in (but don't worry I peppered this entire project with a little of all those wonderful choices). That being said, if you do not enjoy being: creeped out, sick, offended, stupid, in danger, appalled, twisted, objectionableified (?), distastefuled (also ?), or disturbed, I suggest you stop reading now.
You have been warned.
I realize that you may have some questions about this project. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also irrelevant: "Why?". That will be answered in the next step.
Your next question would probably be "How?". That will be answered in the later steps.
The Who, What, When, and Where are: me, this project, I'd say about 24 hours ago, and the tower.
Step 1: Why!?
Thinkgeek currently offers two different knife storing products. They carry the Throwzini and The Ex, and, as much as I love stuff from Thinkgeek, I must admit that both of these items are lacking in certain areas.
The Throwzini, while having a somewhat realistic effigy in the center, allows none of the knives to penetrate the figure. I assume that repeatedly missing gives the owner of this product a sense of failure, which can only be remedied when they stab their entire family to death.
The Ex is designed a little bit better. The user is actually given the opportunity to pierce the figure with knives, instead of just having the figure mock them with near-misses. This gives them a chance to release some extra aggression (apparently directed at their ex). The only problem with this product is that the figure being shanked is a shapeless, ambiguous, "artsy" representation of a person. Now, I don't know about you, but when I stab something, I like to be able to see it's eyes. If I wanted to jam a knife into something that looked like a preschooler's play-doh art project they were about to bring home to mommy well ... then I probably would do just that.
More blah-blah after this short video break.
Shh! If you are real quiet, you can almost hear the sanity escaping from my ears.
This (over)analysis of Thinkgeek products has given us a pretty good idea that the perfect knife block would include an easily hate-able somewhat realistic figure being penetrated by knives. Since Tom Cruise was unavailable, I had to think of what the ideal second choice "victim" doll for this project should be. If you haven't already guessed (you probably aren't too bright, since it was in the title of the Instructable) I chose Bratz dolls.
If you have not yet heard of these dolls, please stop reading now. You will be a much happier person. I promise.
Bratz dolls are what parents buy their little street-walkers in training. These dolls are the epitome of evil, strumpetiest of strumpety, embodiment of all that is wrong with modern society. Recent studies show a direct link between the rise in popularity of these dolls and a rise in the number of prostitots inhabiting local malls. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing inherently wrong with prostitots (I've heard my fair share of "why don't you have a seat over there"s); however, when they clump together little can be heard over their shrieks of laughter and shallowness. The group's hive mind directs them towards unprecedented levels of consumerism. When their requests (for more toys, money, clothes, etc.) are denied, they cry and scream until their desires are met, thus giving credit to their terrorist tactics. Unfortunately, pesky little local, state, and federal laws prevent me from using an actual prostitot for a knife block project, but it is almost as satisfying plunging a sharp pointy object into their creator / idol.
Let the insanity commence!
Step 2: Materials
- One trollop doll
- One block of wood
- A couple of nuts and bolts, to make it a stand
- A handful of knives (just reach into the knife bucket and grab whatever you can)
- Some random tools (drill, hot glue gun, staple gun)
Impaled hooker doll says what
Step 3: Prep the Doll
Step 4: Prep and Cut the Block
Lay the lifeless naked body against your (block of) wood. Decide where you want to impale her with specific knives, and make corresponding marks on the wood with a fine point sharpie. For the type of stand design that I will use, it will be best to position the longest knife at the top of the block and the shortest at the bottom (Actually, I am pretty sure that holds true for all knife block designs). I decided to have one knife going through her fat head, one through her torso, one cutting off her arm, and one slicing open her leg.
The next step is to cut out the slots, any suggestions on how we do this strumpet doll?
::chuckles:: so true, so true...
Seriously though, finding a way to cut out these slots was one of the most time consuming parts of this entire project. I went at them with a drill, a jig saw, a sawz all, a hammer, a screwdriver, and a dremel, and was only able to make small progress. In the end a milling machine was used, and the slots came out pretty nicely. If you do not have access to a milling machine, your best bet is to drill a series of holes as close together as possible down the length of the slot, and then use a hammer and sharp chisel to knock out the spaces in between.
Once the slots are knocked out, drill two holes at the bottom of the board for the bolts to go through. Bolt placement does not need to be perfect. The holes just need to be at the proper height to prevent the longest knife from hitting anything behind the block while still allowing for a nice sturdy feel (angle the bock too low and the longest knife will hit the table, angle it too high and the block is liable to fall over). There is some wiggle room in this step, because after the holes are drilled, the bolts can be screwed further in / out to adjust the angle at which the block rests.
Step 5: Cut the Doll
Who hasn't, at one time or another, dreamed of letting loose loose and emulating Jack-the-Ripper. Movies like "American Psycho" show that this can be an extremely fun, rewarding, and stress relieving pastime, while movies like "Pretty Woman" also help fuel the urge by having a street walking protagonist (Julia Roberts) who is just begging to be stabbed. Video games like the "Grand Theft" series help alleviate some of this pent up trollop-directed rage, but this step is perfect for those of us who desire a more tangible release of aggression.
The hardest part of this step will be getting the hole in the torso. The torso is the only part of the doll's body that is made of hard plastic. I attempted repeatedly slicing up and down with my swiss army knife, but only made scratch. I ended up having to heat my knife over a stove multiple times, and slowly widen the hole until it was large enough for the normal knife to fit through. Although time consuming, this heating / melting process left the nice effect of a gruesome charred cavity in the center of the dolls chest.
The head of the doll is much easier to get a hole through. Basically just remove the head from the doll, and stab it with the knife. Make the hole in the back of the head wider than just a slice, so it will be easier for the knife to pass through. Put the head back on, and give the doll a test run of her new resting place, making sure all the knives fit and whatnot.
Step 6: Personalize It
- I decided to go for the "scene of the crime" look, so my final knife block doll will be wearing her high heels, jewelery, and fur lined jacket. The lack of dress allows the charred chest cavity to be visible, and gives the entire setup a more "authentic" feel.
- I removed her left hand, because one knife will be cutting through it on the block.
- Her legs are made of hard plastic hinges coated in rubber. I thought that by peeling away the rubber, it would have the effect of removed skin around a bone, so I took my swiss army knife and slowly cut away the skin around her right calf. I then used a staple gun to attach this piece of skin to the wood behind her leg.
- To finish it all off I covered certain areas of the doll and block in red sharpie to simulate blood. I drew a nice "puddle" behind her head, and also colored in some of her hair. I really like the way the pictures of this turned out, so I chose one for the main image of the project. I also colored in her stump of an arm and calf.
Step 7: Attach the Doll and Finish It Up
- The first thing to glue would be the dismembered arm. You want it just far enough away so that the blood on her remaining stump is clearly visible. Next you want to glue her stump into place, so that it does not move, and ruin the effect of a freshly severed arm. The last photo shows closeup of what all this looks like.
- The other important thing to glue, would be the "bone" of her calf to the "skin" of her calf. When colored red with sharpie, the hot glue has an aesthetically pleasing look, similar to that of bloody muscle mass. (Which goes great between the bone and skin!)
- Now just hot glue the head, torso, left leg, and right arm in place, and you are finished!
All that is left, is to sit back and enjoy having your friends and family worry about your mental health.