The human breast is the first thing a person goes looking for when they are born.
Breasts provide everything the baby needs: food, comfort, and warmth.
Unlike many things in this world, breasts are not sharp and will not put your eye out.
Is it any wonder human beings like breasts so much?
By contrast, your average computer mouse is just not that great.
But what if you could make this "human interface device" much more human...
Step 1: Get Some Artificial Breasts
You can get them individually, but that seemed wrong. So I ordered a pair.
The box says:
Finally a fuller figure that feels
and looks as natural as
your own breasts.
One size fits all."
They look a bit odd. Sort of a very thin plastic bag containing a soft heavy breast-shaped rubber thing. I don't think the plastic is intended to be removed. The syntho-ectoplasm inside is probably more toxic than "happy fun ball". The nipple is the same color as the rest of the unit.
But they feel a whole lot more natural "than my own breasts", which are a pair of manly pects.
After they've warmed up it's kind of spooky.
Notice the example of cleavage on the package. It appears to have been drawn with a pencil. These must have been manufactured in a country where real cleavage is absent or illegal.
Step 2: Color in the Nipples
I chose "sharpie brown" for mine, which turned out well.
I considered trying to make the IBM "Trackpoint" red dot thing on the keyboard into the nipple, but couldn't figure out a good way to do that. According to wikipedia some people call that a "keyboard nipple".
Speaking of nipples, have you ever wondered why men have them? Or if those male nipples are good for anything? Well, it turns out that if a baby attempts to nurse on a man, eventually [http://web.archive.org/web/20040612183349/http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_700634.html he may produce milk.] That ability may have been selected for during an extinction event that nearly wiped out our species. Evidence of a recent near-extinction event includes our extreme lack of genetic diversity compared to other large mammals.
During the terrible conditions that caused near-extinction, the ability to nurse on a male may have saved the life of one of our infant ancestors.
And why are we called mammals? Because we have breasts and they are very important to us.
We've got all sorts breast-related abilities and instincts. For instance, a newborn baby, without any assistance, will find the mother's breast and start nursing, even if the mother is unconscious.
Step 3: Enhance Your Mouse
If you're going to be doing radical maneuvers with your mouse you could glue the enhancer on with superglue.
As you can see, I've cut away the shell of my optical mouse so the LED of the sensor could shine out. It gives the breast mouse a warm glow.
Howabout a "Breast 2.0" compatible name to set it apart from breasts and mice that have gone before? Howabout "the breasticulator"?
Step 4: Enhanced Mouse Use
Mouse up a Cistine chapel of spreadsheets and databases.
It doesn't matter if it's a one-button mouse or multiple buttons as long as the buttons are big enough.
To operate a mouse button, Just press on the right place on the breast, and the button gets pushed underneath. It works great. I'm doing it now.
If you're susceptible to carpal-tunnel syndrome, use the extra enhancer as a wrist rest.
Step 5: Other Uses
Modeled by a famous cartoonist and by yours truly.
Other uses abound!
Add a thermostatic heater to keep it at exactly body temperature. Add a solenoid to give it a heartbeat-like pulse. I bet programmers that use such a mouse would be much less like monkeys raised by chickenwire.