Introduction: CATPISS - Preparing Your Cats for the Apocalypse

Picture of CATPISS - Preparing Your Cats for the Apocalypse

When the Apocalypse comes, I'm gonna be prepared.

I don't want to be driven by the events and I'm not going to resist in a classic way.

I'm going to anticipate.

It's not only about me, in fact. Everyone around me needs to be ready. Physically ànd mentally.

Like you know, a lot of cats are sharing our roof. And workspace, also, and toilet paper, computer keyboards and coaches, to name some. They even share the dog.

I hope that, when the Apocalypse comes, they too will be ready to fight back - instead of staying dependent on those humans who feed them on a daily basis, and clean their droppings, be there to comfort them when théy decide they need some, stay comprehensive when théy are staring at the wall and fill their plates - even when they're still half full, grate your nice leather boots and pee on that t-shirt you only wore for nine days.

Cats, you know.

When the Apocalypse comes, I want them to do a lot better than they're doing now. Seriously.

And so I launched CATPISS - Cat Apocalypse Training Procedure to Install Survival Spirit - it could have been better, that title, but I'm just a poor craftsman without the money to pay a team of fancy communication specialists.

Read it a few times, you're gonna like it, too.

About that Apocalypse. Thanx to CATPISS we're going to smash those pet-kidnapping ennemies back to their stinking vessels that brought them to earth. We're gonna let them know they arrived on the wrong planet and that the information they gathered 3000 years ago - when they built the pyramids - is hopelessly dated.

Prepared we will be.

Step 1: Inspiration

Picture of Inspiration

Like I said, our cats are doing the CATPISS.

Building defensive structures with litter.

Using steel pipes as grating poles.

Extracting oxygen from mice.

Miaoowing at 200 decibels.

Viscious martial feline arts.

Traveling Without Moving.

Making sticky hair balls.

And stinky droppings.

Trash bin survival.

Precision spitting.

Invisible moving.

The whole package.

Though, during the program we discovered a mayor bug in the natural weaponry of these highly specialized creatures. Though they're heavily armed at all sides and faster than many others, their heads seem a weak point in their construction, especially for any sort of danger coming from above.

Too bad, the danger WILL come from above - I read it on youtube, and so I believe it.

To continue the CATPISS, we needed additional skull protection.

Helmets On. Litter-ally.

And so I went searching help, knowledge and wisdom. I crossed rivers and climbed mountains, suffered hunger and pain, walked more miles than my feet could get, just to meet those reputated craftsmen Who-Know-How-To-Make-It-Right.

Just because I wanted high quality gear. Reliability & effectiveness. Power without compromises.

Technology based on experience.

Step 2: Grab'r & Meas'r

Picture of Grab'r & Meas'r

During my journey, I learned that to make the right helmet, you have to make it custom fit.

Every cat is different, and so will be every helmet.

Grab her, and measure-her.

Above all: do it politely. Great chance she might not understand why this kind of business is somehow different from the usual.

Up to you to explain things well - I love yooooooooooooooo - and get those data.

Step 3: Getting Supplies

Picture of Getting Supplies

Those craftsmen learned me the Big Secret of Top Gear.

'Look how others do it. And do it better!'

It's not thàt way they told it, in fact.


So I went to the biggest army store in town, and inspected carefully all the fancy weaponry they sell - at very fair prices, btw.

Knives & tridents, wooden hammers & shields, voodoo sticks, flammable liquids, potatoes, dutch cheese, batteries etc. Those city markets are Warriors Heaven.

They also sell so called 'tailed helmets'.

Since they're quite unpractical, very few warriors are using them.

But instead of ignoring them, I decided to buy some.

To make them better.

Step 4: Synchronizing

Picture of Synchronizing

Once we're going any further, we will present this new feature to our cats.

Cats are naturally curious and heavily interested in new technologies. Let them play with this weird thing and make it the most normal thing in their environment.

The process is simple: the energy of the helmet has to be synchronized with the energy of the cat.

This may take a while, but this new balance will install itself. Cats logic.

To speed things a bit, I decided to use this helmet for a purpose it was surely not designed for.

You know, accidentally I discovered that those helmets are prefectly suited, in fact, to contain small amounts of solids or liquids. And so I put a handful of their favorite food in it and let nature do its way.

Guess what: they just loved their new equipment!

Step 5: Cut'r & Grind'r

Picture of Cut'r & Grind'r

Once energy balances are set right, it's time to rebuild this very unpractical tail-helmet.

Instead of wearing it with the 'handle' backwards, I decided to turn it 180°, using the tail-section as a clever forehead- & nose-protection - gladiator-style, you know.

So I grinded space for Mayas ears and using a template it was very easy to get the job perfectly symmetric.

A bit of grinding later the modified helmet was ready for its first test run.

That test was a fail: not enough space for the ears and a very disturbed energy balance.

Maya said 'NO', and sent me back to the workshop.

Step 6: Adjustments

Picture of Adjustments

Some grinding and a lot of sanding later Mayas helmet seemed ready.

It's just the outer helmet, in fact. I'm still searching a way to make a proper inner-helmet, according to the measurements I took earlier.

Nevertheless, this is kind of a prototype. And as you know, prototype-developing is a long process.

Step 7: First Impressions & Recommendations

Picture of First Impressions & Recommendations

To see how it might look like once completely finished I decided to give it a go for a few first impressions.

Glamour-shooting, you know.

Overall, Maya & Misty - the two equally sized ladies - were overall pleased with the design. They spreaded out joy & satisfaction and gave me the green light to continue the CATPISS.

This helmet DOES give adequate skull AND nose protection - though the ears are still highly unprotected.

To make it complete, ear-shells need to be made and welded to the design. The inner-helmet is also a must-have, since with the slightest movement the helmet is taking-off.

Heavy R&D will go on and we'll prepare this design for the Apocalypse.

Prepared we will be, as I said.


4WantofaNail (author)2015-09-18

Dig the Dune reference in step one. Think my wife will get a kick outta this. cheers mate.

owatson (author)2015-08-20


est 1950 bushcraft (author)2015-06-15

that was hilarios

Mrs Rozeboom (author)2015-04-24

You certainly have a better Apocalypse plan for your can than we do. I saw on a survival show that it's good to keep small animals around that can quickly reproduce for food, such as rabbits but they are smelly and I already have two smelly cats. If necessary, our plan was to feed the little one to the big one to fatten him up so we know, do the unthinkable if we had to.

bricobart (author)Mrs Rozeboom2015-05-01

Try chickens, around that house I mean. They're a lot more multifunctional than rabbits. Very useful. But don't train them to survive the apocalypse, or they will use their force against you. CHICKENSHIT is not an option. And keep on training those cats...

deluges (author)2015-04-24

I support the CATPISS procedure. Where do I sign my cat up ?

bricobart (author)deluges2015-05-01

Next bootcamp is planned this summer, I'll keep you informed!

bizzycrafter (author)2015-04-22

You have the most patient cat in the history of the universe!

bricobart (author)bizzycrafter2015-05-01

She is!

OutdoorKid (author)2015-04-19

Amazing narration skills my friend. But sadly I own a cat of larger stature and will have trouble finding a tailed helmet to fit her. And even when I do, she's too lazy to leave when SHTF anyways.

bricobart (author)OutdoorKid2015-05-01

Thanx, but I'm sure there exist larger versions of this kind of tailed helmet. Try the XXXL store.

AlternateLives (author)2015-04-19

while reading step 1, I couldn't help but think that the entire 'CATPISS' training regimen would make a hilarious cartoon or comic. good job on the project, and thanks for the inspiration!

bricobart (author)AlternateLives2015-05-01

Thanx, go on if you're interested to give it a try! Or maybe I'd better sell the rights to pixar?

braviscows (author)2015-04-19

what if you were to drill a small hole in either side, and run some shock chord through

bricobart (author)braviscows2015-05-01

Could work, but you could easily strangle the kitty also - which is definitely not the purpose here...

constantproject (author)2015-04-19

hahahahahahahahaha, I couldnt get past the first section and i cant stop laughing. This is amazing! Thank you!

My pleasure, thank you too!

nell137 (author)2015-04-18

Love this!

bricobart (author)nell1372015-05-01


DalaisLlama (author)2015-04-18

U hav a strange and marvellous mind..

bricobart (author)DalaisLlama2015-05-01

I tried to explain that to my teachers very long ago... What counts is not the answer, sometimes, it's the way you came to it ;)

jusirela (author)2015-04-30

Captain Mc Tavish and all people hated by cats...the cats know what they are doing. They can sus out a no good human for miles. My "pink and pretty" rescue cat sizes up everyone who comes into her house. She makes goo goo eyes and rubs and croons around their feet until they think she's a pushover...then when they are totally beguiled into thinking she loves them she pees in their shoes! Clever Cats. Stupid Humans if they think otherwise. We may be bigger and able to inflict all sorts of pain and torture just because we think its clever or funny...nothing clever abour taunting a Cat! She'll ger her own back in the most offensive way...and don't think she doesn't know what that is! So Apocalyptic will be the revenge of the Cats mark my words. I've lived with and studied felines for many years and do not need to be convinced of their watch out. Respect the Cat or you'll be sorry!

sxcgreekboi_24 (author)2015-04-18

Catpiss, more like your cats pissed!

ThisIsMyNameOK (author)2015-03-20

Hmmm..... The question is, are you preparing the cat, or is the cat preparing you? Perhaps this is just the latest stage in the plan for the Cat Apocolypse, when cats will finally rule the world and all humans will become their slaves.

Vyger (author)ThisIsMyNameOK2015-03-21

Cats don't need slaves but they do need snack food. Probably be plenty of left overs since zombies waste so much of the good parts.

ThisIsMyNameOK (author)Vyger2015-03-21

True. Gross and disgusting, but true.

I was actually thinking more of a future in which cats are more highly evolved and have become the dominant species. Which could totally happen after the zombies.

Vyger (author)ThisIsMyNameOK2015-03-21

There is a British Sci FY show called Red Dwarf in which the cats did evolve. Actually what happened is that one of the crew members brought a cat on board and got put in the holding cell for punishment for it. While there the engines malfunctioned and the ship was put into a suspended state to preserve the life of the one person it was able to save, the guy in the cell. After a very long time it was finally safe and he was brought back where he met one of the descendents of the cat that he brought on board. It was a fun show.

ThisIsMyNameOK (author)Vyger2015-03-22

Ah, yes, I have seen Red Drwarf. I caught a few episodes a long, long time ago and always meant to watch the rest.... like so many other things I always meant to do, I haven't got around to it yet. Very good show though.

I am currently reading The Ring World Throne by Larry Niven, which is what got me thinking about highly evolved felines. There is also another book I quite enjoyed many years ago, Decision at Doona by Anne McCaffrey, which features a sentient feline race. And many, many more I'm sure, though I can't recall them at the moment.

bricobart (author)ThisIsMyNameOK2015-03-20

Thàt would be one of the best things that could ever happen to humanity! Btw, if you have cats, you ARE already the slave of it...

ThisIsMyNameOK (author)bricobart2015-03-20

No cats at the moment, sadly. We just aren't able to keep pets right now. But hopefully in the near future. In the meantime, I am sure the cats in the neighbourhood are keeping a watchful eye on us, to make sure we don't get out of line. ;-)

Tecwyn Twmffat (author)2015-03-21


stephenmack (author)2015-03-17

Great instructable. Maybe a chin strap to keep in place? I loved how you put it together and worded it!

bricobart (author)stephenmack2015-03-19

Thank you ;) That strap would be an option, but I think it will be more durable to integrate it in a collar-like something!

ThisIsMyNameOK (author)bricobart2015-03-20

Do be careful with collars or straps of any kind. They can become a safety risk if they get snagged on anything.

bricobart (author)ThisIsMyNameOK2015-03-20

You're totally right. Most cat-collars sold over here have integrated safety elastics to prevent the kitties being hung in case of wrong-moment-wrong-place-scenarios...

ThisIsMyNameOK (author)bricobart2015-03-20

Great idea. I don't know if they have the same thing here or not. It's been a long time since I've had a cat and my mother taught me to never put a collar on a cat, due to a bad experience she had once when she was young, so I've never really looked at them. But I believe they do have similar safety features.

stephenmack (author)bricobart2015-03-19

Buy it now for $19.99: the CATPISS collar and helmet 2 in 1! I see it now...

bricobart (author)stephenmack2015-03-20

I can smell the money, already... Or maybe it's just my t-shirt...

DavidT8 (author)2015-03-20


bricobart (author)DavidT82015-03-20

How did you find out? I did my best to keep it secret, though...

botdfmiw (author)2015-03-19

That cat looks sooooo angry with you omg this is the best

bricobart (author)botdfmiw2015-03-19

I showed her a picture of aliens - it seems like the CATPISS is working...

katerlyn (author)2015-03-16

I thought you were going to take the ladle to collect cat pee like at the vet's, under the tail, and save it up for the enemy...

bricobart (author)katerlyn2015-03-19

That's where that precision peeing is for! Need to figure it out how to make it flammable...

xarlock667 (author)2015-03-15

So... I have a cat. He regularly beats my wolf's arse. Embarasses the hells out of me. I would love to fully armor him, but enhance his weapons at the same time. Super cat.claws anyone?

bricobart (author)xarlock6672015-03-19

Wolverine style! Sounds do-able!

crank_girl (author)2015-03-15

That cat is going to pee in your shoes when you are sleeping! Great 'ible. Made me smile.

bricobart (author)crank_girl2015-03-15

She really peed on my canadian shirt - or at least ONE OF THEM did! No kidding!

I have to keep my door closed because my brother's cat hates me so much. If I leave it open she will leave a suprise on my bed just cuz my door is open lol.

About This Instructable




Bio: I made a beer mug with only a knife & a hatchet. I think that says a lot about me.
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