Gummi Bears live short lives, but that doesn't mean that they don't have health problems and will occasionally need some care. There are times when these delicate bears will even need to go under the knife.
The very substance of the Gummi Bears is tricky stuff and if you want to be able to identify a tumor and have it removed you need an expert. Someone you can trust. Someone who's been there.
To get a better grasp of this hidden world of Gummi surgery we talked to an expert in the field who was happy to demonstrate his techniques for us.
NOTE: This Instructable contains graphic images of Gummi Bear surgeries. Like the one right below. Gross, right?
Step 1: Get patients and tools
For Gummi surgery you need a supply of willing patients and the basic tools.
Fortunately, most Gummi Bears are hypochondriacs so even if they don't have a problem right away you can usually convince them to go under the knife in less than a minute. There might be some ethics problem here, but we couldn't think of it and moved on to the slicey dicey fun.
Make sure you have a clean scalpel and metal tubing available. The second picture shows the exact knife you shouldn't use. Dried Gummi gore should be wiped off with a paper towel or you can replace the whole blade. Don't use your tongue to clean! Is bad!
Step 2: The art of the scalpel
The scalpel is the most important tool in Gummi surgery. Once again, the surgeon recommended a clean blade. Push firmly into the Gummi flesh and give it a little wiggle if you get stuck. Try for a clean cut. If there is too much screaming, you're doing it wrong.
Step 3: Basic operation: Head Transplants
Like humans, Gummi Bears are often dissatisfied with the bodies they are given. There was once a time when all Gummis would be happy with the color of their flesh, but with pop culture infecting their sugary little heads their desires have changed. Some insist that greens have more fun and reds are spicier. Or maybe it's the other way around. Silly little Gummis. So foolish.
Unlike humans, Gummi Bears can easily swap heads thanks to modern surgical techniques. In fact, this is the first type of surgery that happened in the Gummi world and continues to be popular at parties.
Just make sure you squish the head and body together good and tight so it sticks, OK? A falling apart Gummi is a sad Gummi. Sometimes you may need to use special surgical fluid to help stick the two parts together. If you don't have that, try some saliva. It's always handy and puts a little bit of you into each surgery.
Step 4: Split personalities
Soon after Gummi Bears realized the virtues of swapping heads, they began to wonder about swapping sides of their bodies. Combine the left side of a left-handed Gummi and the right side of a right-handed Gummi and it's an amibdextrous Gummi virtuoso!
The sad side effect is when the remaindered non-dominant halves are combined. They keep starting and stopping and mostly just fidget about. We don't like to talk about them too much.
Step 5: Limb transplants
A few quick cuts and all of a Gummi Bear's limbs can be removed. This is supposed to be done by consent, but sometimes a poor bear will be attacked by others desperate to sell the limbs for money.
This bear paid a handsome sum to have limbs from a strong and powerful Gummi Bear attached to his own body. The operation was mostly a success except that a couple limbs got mixed up in the process. Look closely and you can see a leg brazenly placed where an arm should be and vice versa.
To this date, nobody has told the bear of the mistake and continue to let him think that he's looking good.
Step 6: Heart Transplants
Surgeons weren't entirely sure at first where the heart of the Gummi truly is. To be honest, they still aren't. For some reason, the Gummis decided that they wanted heart transplants, just like humans. If they were already swapping heads, then why not hearts?
Not wanting to give up on a willing, and paying, patient, surgeons went ahead with daring new techniques of driving metal tubes into Gummi chests to extract hearts. Or it could just be the bit of Gummi area where the heart should, or could, be. Blogs are still debating this with no conclusion in sight.
With the Gummi heart out, it's a simple matter of performing a similar operation with another Gummi and making the switch. Here you can see a trio of bears who made a series of swaps.
Step 7: Brain transplants
Once the hearts had been moved about, it was just a matter of time before more drastic measures would happen. While the heads could be swapped, some bears found the process a little crude and wanted to simply swap the brains and keep the rest of the head.
Here you can see pictures from one of the earliest brain transplants. The brain has a little bit of exposure to the outside, but as long as the bear doesn't think too hard it will be OK.
Step 8: Two bodies are better than one
Soon after the successful split personality surgeries took the Gummi world by storm, Gummis wanted to try having two bodies connected, but no reputable surgeon would have a part in it. This picture below shows the sad result of a back alley surgery. Notice the crude cuts and the overhanging bit of green Gummi flesh. It's sad, really. The bit of hair is the most insulting part of all.
Step 9: Three heads are better than one
A rough life can lead to Gummi Bears making terrible decisions. After hocking their original bodies, these three heads ended up sharing one weakling body.
Step 10: Any side up
The wealthier Gummi Bears can afford to buy up spare parts from other bears down on their luck. This green bear has managed to amass an incredible collection of bodies from some of the finest athletes in the land.
The look may be quite alien to our culture, but this little fella can do cartwheels for days. Dude just doesn't stop!
Step 11: Freakish experiments gone amuck
Sometimes the Gummi Bears lose all perspective and get hooked on connecting with other bears. This shocking photo shows what happens when this all goes too far. Oh they may look happy, but this mass of Gummi flesh could never stand on its own. It mostly just wiggles a bit.
You can sometimes hear them crying out at night. "Join us!," they will say. "We are so sweet and sticky. Stiiiiiiicky!"
Step 12: The land of the lost Gummi
After a while, Gummi surgeons tired of their efforts on Gummi Bears. They were starting to get into some freaky stuff and the whole pile of Gummi thing was getting tiresome. They thought that they should be doing more good in the world by bringing their skills to those who could not afford them. So they turned to the Gummi dinosaurs.
And then they put one on top of the other, what's up with that?
Poor bugger could barely move and whichever one was on the bottom kept getting drooled on by the other.
Step 13: Tri-bear-atops
The surgeons' sick tendencies couldn't be held in check forever. Not even a few days or hours for that matter.
No, before you knew it, the surgeons had started applying cheap bear bodies to the dinosaurs. Oddly enough, this somehow made the dinosaur more attractive in the wild and its ability to mate improved dramatically.
Step 14: Bear mohawk
Soon other dinoasaurs came up to the surgeons and demanded bear parts. The surgeons were getting tired of being poked with Gummi horns and relented.
"Just this once!" they said. "Take the rest of the heads on your head and leave us alone!"
So they did. And the dinosaurs were happy for the time being.
But time will pass. As times keep changing the demand for Gummi surgeries will only increase and become more twisted.
If you have any photos yourself of Gummi surgeries gone wrong, feel free to post them as a warning to others of what we must avoid in order to keep the world safe and sane.