The very substance of the Gummi Bears is tricky stuff and if you want to be able to identify a tumor and have it removed you need an expert. Someone you can trust. Someone who's been there.
To get a better grasp of this hidden world of Gummi surgery we talked to an expert in the field who was happy to demonstrate his techniques for us.
NOTE: This Instructable contains graphic images of Gummi Bear surgeries. Like the one right below. Gross, right?
Step 1: Get patients and tools
Fortunately, most Gummi Bears are hypochondriacs so even if they don't have a problem right away you can usually convince them to go under the knife in less than a minute. There might be some ethics problem here, but we couldn't think of it and moved on to the slicey dicey fun.
Make sure you have a clean scalpel and metal tubing available. The second picture shows the exact knife you shouldn't use. Dried Gummi gore should be wiped off with a paper towel or you can replace the whole blade. Don't use your tongue to clean! Is bad!
Step 2: The art of the scalpel
Step 3: Basic operation: Head Transplants
Unlike humans, Gummi Bears can easily swap heads thanks to modern surgical techniques. In fact, this is the first type of surgery that happened in the Gummi world and continues to be popular at parties.
Just make sure you squish the head and body together good and tight so it sticks, OK? A falling apart Gummi is a sad Gummi. Sometimes you may need to use special surgical fluid to help stick the two parts together. If you don't have that, try some saliva. It's always handy and puts a little bit of you into each surgery.
Step 4: Split personalities
The sad side effect is when the remaindered non-dominant halves are combined. They keep starting and stopping and mostly just fidget about. We don't like to talk about them too much.
Step 5: Limb transplants
This bear paid a handsome sum to have limbs from a strong and powerful Gummi Bear attached to his own body. The operation was mostly a success except that a couple limbs got mixed up in the process. Look closely and you can see a leg brazenly placed where an arm should be and vice versa.
To this date, nobody has told the bear of the mistake and continue to let him think that he's looking good.
Step 6: Heart Transplants
Not wanting to give up on a willing, and paying, patient, surgeons went ahead with daring new techniques of driving metal tubes into Gummi chests to extract hearts. Or it could just be the bit of Gummi area where the heart should, or could, be. Blogs are still debating this with no conclusion in sight.
With the Gummi heart out, it's a simple matter of performing a similar operation with another Gummi and making the switch. Here you can see a trio of bears who made a series of swaps.
Step 7: Brain transplants
Here you can see pictures from one of the earliest brain transplants. The brain has a little bit of exposure to the outside, but as long as the bear doesn't think too hard it will be OK.
Step 8: Two bodies are better than one
Step 9: Three heads are better than one
Step 10: Any side up
The look may be quite alien to our culture, but this little fella can do cartwheels for days. Dude just doesn't stop!
Step 11: Freakish experiments gone amuck
You can sometimes hear them crying out at night. "Join us!," they will say. "We are so sweet and sticky. Stiiiiiiicky!"
Step 12: The land of the lost Gummi
And then they put one on top of the other, what's up with that?
Poor bugger could barely move and whichever one was on the bottom kept getting drooled on by the other.
Step 13: Tri-bear-atops
No, before you knew it, the surgeons had started applying cheap bear bodies to the dinosaurs. Oddly enough, this somehow made the dinosaur more attractive in the wild and its ability to mate improved dramatically.
Step 14: Bear mohawk
"Just this once!" they said. "Take the rest of the heads on your head and leave us alone!"
So they did. And the dinosaurs were happy for the time being.
But time will pass. As times keep changing the demand for Gummi surgeries will only increase and become more twisted.
If you have any photos yourself of Gummi surgeries gone wrong, feel free to post them as a warning to others of what we must avoid in order to keep the world safe and sane.