Then it dawned on me: why don't I just buy a handful of bolts and rubber pads?
What I came up with was a cheap, easy work-around that appeals to my cheapskate/impatient sensibilities.
Step 1: What you'll need
4 - 3/8" x 2.5" carriage bolts (the length and diameter may vary to suit your needs)
8 - 3/8" hex nuts (ditto about suiting your needs)
8 appropriately sized washers
4 rubber anti-skid cups (usually available near the casters in most big box stores)
A hot glue gun a few sticks of glue
A roll of painters tape