How not to run your first 5k or 10k race

Running and racing are increasingly popular amateur sports and with the growth in the running industry comes lots of newbie runners.  Like you.  I'll try to walk you through the logistics and general experience of running your first 5k or 10k race without all the...y'know...running related stuff.  This instructable seeks to cover the same sorts of details many other articles over the years have covered, but with a more entertaining angle.  Enjoy!

Step 1 Check with your Doctor

Seriously, running is a cult inhabited by brainwashed idiots (like me) who think that hours of disgustingly hard work, misery, loneliness and general bodily destruction....are FUN.  Is that what you really want, even for a little while?  Go do something enjoyable with your life instead.  Seriously. 

Of course, if you *haven't* walked away at this warning, then its often advisable to check with your doctor before engaging in any sort of "fitness program".  This is supposed to be so he can convince you to do something else instead, but it rarely seems to work. Most likely your physician is like mine and will actually *praise* you for doing something like this.  This is because your doctor is a sick and twisted individual who stands to make cash off your impending injuries.  Oh well, better luck next time.

Comments

[Sasza]

Laughed all the way through, great 'ible.

[Great Wight Ninja]

(Don't mean to necro, but not everyone always thinks of such things)
It is worth stopping by athletic stores, such as a *insert sports brand name here* outlet, when ever you visit a mall and see if they have any on sale. I got a pare of $50 shorts for around $20 because they were both on sale and they had a promotion where buying a bag would get you 20% off your whole purchase.

Similarly, if you have the money, you regularly use the cloths you already have and it really is a good sale, buy several. It's OK to buy more than one pair of shorts/tops/shoes at a time. They don't have an expiration date. (assuming you don't drastically change your wardrobe needs)

[jshsmith]

Love your description of the pre-race-pee!

Excellent writing and information.

[geresy]

Great article. Loved every bit :)

[f1dd13r]

Excellent reading. Especially the shorts n shoes section

[DELETED_jorgegunn]

Oh my gosh you are an excelent writter i dont car a thing about running ( i should have been born a fish or a dolphin they are smarter) But you just captivated my the whole way through. Forget running do more writting

[vyrus724]

Really glad you enjoyed the article. I have it in my mind to write a "how not to train for and run your first marathon" article. We'll see, though.

[bowmaster]

Forget shoes, run barefoot!! If not possible, then wear lightweight, well fitting shoes.

[sysadmn]

You've forgotten to mention that the men's ugliest t-shirt is lined with sandpaper, leading to what is euphemistically referred to as "nipple abrasion", aka "What are those red dots on your shirt?".

Love the 'ible!

[pyelitegamerro76]

"they needed one of those "ten to the power of" exponent things to express how much I'd spent. Anybody who needs actual orthopedic shoes should probably just shoot themselves." i loled so hard at this because its so true.

i was about to run a 5k when i was getting in shape to go to the army, but had a huge change in life plans. training for running is no fun, unless your doing parkour/ freerunning of course!

[atombomb1945]

I actually made it through to step 3 on this before I was on the floor busting a gut. I ran my first marathon this year (OKC Memorial Marathon) and all of this is true, especially step 9. Of course I have a theory on this, it is like yawning. If one person goes, then everyone behind them has to go to.

[vyrus724]

Yeah, either that or everybody knows they'll be spending the next 1-6 hours shaking their guts around and is trying to be preventative. Still dude, glad you liked the article. Go early, go often!