Instructables

How not to run your first 5k or 10k race

Step 7: What your race packet will include

* Pamphlets for other races.  Hilarious.  Did you know there's people out there who actually think you'd like to do *another* one of these things?  Even before you've done this one.  Its true.  Some of them even spend buckets of money on glossy full-colour fold-out affairs promising all manner of things if you'll just continue to be idiotic and keep up the whole running thing, preferably in their direction.

* A juice box containing gunk that the juice company couldn't sell and was going to throw away anyhow.  I'm reminded of a conversation from a Douglas Adams book:

(Machine spews out a fluid that is almost, but not quite, exactly unlike tea)
Machine: Share and enjoy...
Arthur: Ughh! This tastes filthy!
Machine:  If you've enjoyed your tea, why not share it with your friends?
Arthur:   Because I want to keep them, that's why!

* Safety Pins.  For holding what's left of your body together after the race.  A helpful courtesy.  In the meantime, use them to pin your "bib" (below) to the world's ugliest t-shirt (even more below).

* Your race "bib".  You know how people are increasingly concerned about their privacy and about strangers knowing too much about them?  Try running down the middle of a major avenue in your city with your name and an identifying serial number pasted to your chest; that'll fix the problem.  Oh, also I've found that these tags happily contain advertising for sponsoring companies on them, because Adidas finally got all my letters saying "I wanna be a human billboard!"  Just think, if you'd decided to enjoy life instead, the only bib you'd be wearing would be in a nice restaurant and have a picture of a lobster with a knife and fork on it. 

* The world's ugliest t-shirt.  I don't how race organizers manage to keep providing what is clearly the world's ugliest t-shirt at every single race and yet make it look different every time, but they do it.  Further, is "radioactive vomit yellow" a colour?  Because I now have three shirts in this hue, all of them stuffed in the back of a drawer, never again to see the light of day.
Somewhere in a government warehouse, there's a crate full of these things, probably next to the lost Ark of the Covenant.

 
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sysadmn3 years ago
You've forgotten to mention that the men's ugliest t-shirt is lined with sandpaper, leading to what is euphemistically referred to as "nipple abrasion", aka "What are those red dots on your shirt?".

Love the 'ible!