Step 7: What Your Race Packet Will Include

* Pamphlets for other races.  Hilarious.  Did you know there's people out there who actually think you'd like to do *another* one of these things?  Even before you've done this one.  Its true.  Some of them even spend buckets of money on glossy full-colour fold-out affairs promising all manner of things if you'll just continue to be idiotic and keep up the whole running thing, preferably in their direction.

* A juice box containing gunk that the juice company couldn't sell and was going to throw away anyhow.  I'm reminded of a conversation from a Douglas Adams book:

(Machine spews out a fluid that is almost, but not quite, exactly unlike tea)
Machine: Share and enjoy...
Arthur: Ughh! This tastes filthy!
Machine:  If you've enjoyed your tea, why not share it with your friends?
Arthur:   Because I want to keep them, that's why!

* Safety Pins.  For holding what's left of your body together after the race.  A helpful courtesy.  In the meantime, use them to pin your "bib" (below) to the world's ugliest t-shirt (even more below).

* Your race "bib".  You know how people are increasingly concerned about their privacy and about strangers knowing too much about them?  Try running down the middle of a major avenue in your city with your name and an identifying serial number pasted to your chest; that'll fix the problem.  Oh, also I've found that these tags happily contain advertising for sponsoring companies on them, because Adidas finally got all my letters saying "I wanna be a human billboard!"  Just think, if you'd decided to enjoy life instead, the only bib you'd be wearing would be in a nice restaurant and have a picture of a lobster with a knife and fork on it. 

* The world's ugliest t-shirt.  I don't how race organizers manage to keep providing what is clearly the world's ugliest t-shirt at every single race and yet make it look different every time, but they do it.  Further, is "radioactive vomit yellow" a colour?  Because I now have three shirts in this hue, all of them stuffed in the back of a drawer, never again to see the light of day.
Somewhere in a government warehouse, there's a crate full of these things, probably next to the lost Ark of the Covenant.

<p>Superb article. I read this after a tough day at the gym and almost died laughing. Not in public. And no people were staring and pointing at me. So i guess that is not fine!</p>
<p>Great article! Gave me a good laugh as I prepare to run my first 5K tomorrow.... in the rain. Yes, we are crazy!</p>
<p>That was absolutely awesome. Thanks for the chuckles! I'm stupid enough to be doing my 7th 5k since October last year, but the upside is 100#s lighter in a year and a half.</p>
<p>Marshalls/Kohls/etc is really good for cheap running stuff! I have a few OMG HOW MUCH $50 shorts, but my favorite pair are one that I found for $5 at Marshalls, and my favorite sports bra is one that I got for $10 at Target...go figure. :) </p>
<p>Oh my goodness! What a great read! I was stupid enough to decide to take up running, after loosing over 40kg and still going strong. In 3 weeks I have my 1st 10km race and have finished two 5km races so far. I'm extremely nervous but your article just gave me courage to be my silly self! Thank you!!</p>
<p>Best race article ever. Can we please be best friends? </p>
<p>I love this - funniest instructible ever!</p><p>Going back to my recliner, beer, &amp; remote now... </p><p>See you in 3.1 miles or so.</p>
I loved the article it was hilarious!
Right on.
Laughed all the way through, great 'ible.<br>
(Don't mean to necro, but not everyone always thinks of such things) <br>It is worth stopping by athletic stores, such as a *insert sports brand name here* outlet, when ever you visit a mall and see if they have any on sale. I got a pare of $50 shorts for around $20 because they were both on sale and they had a promotion where buying a bag would get you 20% off your whole purchase.<br><br>Similarly, if you have the money, you regularly use the cloths you already have and it really is a good sale, buy several. It's OK to buy more than one pair of shorts/tops/shoes at a time. They don't have an expiration date. (assuming you don't drastically change your wardrobe needs)
Love your description of the pre-race-pee!<br><br>Excellent writing and information.
Great article. Loved every bit :)
Excellent reading. Especially the shorts n shoes section
Oh my gosh you are an excelent writter i dont car a thing about running ( i should have been born a fish or a dolphin they are smarter) But you just captivated my the whole way through. Forget running do more writting
Really glad you enjoyed the article. I have it in my mind to write a &quot;how not to train for and run your first marathon&quot; article. We'll see, though.
Forget shoes, run barefoot!! If not possible, then wear lightweight, well fitting shoes.
You've forgotten to mention that the men's ugliest t-shirt is lined with sandpaper, leading to what is euphemistically referred to as &quot;nipple abrasion&quot;, aka &quot;What are those red dots on your shirt?&quot;.<br><br>Love the 'ible!
&quot;they needed one of those &quot;ten to the power of&quot; exponent things to express how much I'd spent. Anybody who needs actual orthopedic shoes should probably just shoot themselves.&quot; i loled so hard at this because its so true. <br><br>i was about to run a 5k when i was getting in shape to go to the army, but had a huge change in life plans. training for running is no fun, unless your doing parkour/ freerunning of course!
I actually made it through to step 3 on this before I was on the floor busting a gut. I ran my first marathon this year (OKC Memorial Marathon) and all of this is true, especially step 9. Of course I have a theory on this, it is like yawning. If one person goes, then everyone behind them has to go to.
Yeah, either that or everybody knows they'll be spending the next 1-6 hours shaking their guts around and is trying to be preventative. Still dude, glad you liked the article. Go early, go often!

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