Step 1: Materials
Sharp Object -
While scissors are my weapon of choice, I imagine a steak knife, exacto, hedge trimmers or any other cutting tool would do the trick.
Electric Buzzer, Beard Trimmer and/or Razor (not pictured) -
No sense in mowing just half the lawn, is there? I will only be trimming my beard. Mainly because it has been so long since I actually shaved, I think I've forgotten how. If you wish to go for the clean look, then all the power to you!
Hair Disposal Unit -
I usually just use the bathroom trash bin. Putting it in the sink helps by not only acting as a second hair-catcher, but also puts the bin at a more practical height.
Numerous Fine, Usually Cylindrical, Keratinous Filaments Growing From The Skin of a Human -
Uh...that would be your hair, or if you want a practice go, try a mop.
Documentation Device (optional) -
To record my haircut I used a simple digital camera. Having learned from my mistake, I strongly advice the use of a tripod, since, as you will later see, I do not have three hands.
Step 2: The first cut
What's that? You're having second thoughts?
You are not alone my friend. But you must persevere!
With your scissors in your dominant hand, grab a large hunk of hair with your second hand. I suggest going for a patch right at the front. Once you've cut that off, there's really no going back.
Now simply squeeze the scissors with your thumb and index finger. Depending on the thickness of your hair, the amount of hair you are attacking and the quality of your blade you may need to get into a rhythm of squeezing and releasing over and over until you are through.
Step 3: Disposing of your hair
Simply hold the hair over the bin and release your grip.
Step 4: Keep on truckin'
Congratulations! You now have a skater cut. You'd be the coolest kid on the playground if it were 1995!
If for some reason you don't want a skater cut, I guess you'd better continue cutting on the other side.
Step 5: And you thought you were finished
It can get a bit tricky in the back, but by now you should be comfortable with your tool and can probably estimate how much hair you're cutting off. I guess you could get a second mirror to put behind you, but then your visual-motor skills would be all screwed up. Besides, when's the last time you saw the back of your head to see how even it is?
Step 6: The beard
Take out your electric buzzer, lubricate it and turn it on. Don't be scared though. It's more afraid of you than you are of it. Hold it with confidence, and trim a strip under your chin. Enjoy this moment, for it is your first and last chance to ever be taken seriously at a Motorhead show, at least until they notice your skinny, 10-year old boy arms.
Now that you have determined without a doubt that you are in fact softcore, continue trimming the rest of your facial hair.
- I made up the name Sarah Fernbeck, so if that happens to be your name and you have a beard, take no offence. But seriously, you might want to at least give it a trim every once and a while.
Step 7: Cleaning up
Hop in the shower and give that scalp a good wash. Remember to have a second shirt lying around somewhere for when you get out of the shower. Putting on a shirt coated in tiny hair clippings doesn't really sound like fun.
Nothing left to do but admire the weight of hair in the bag as you tie it up and walk it to the curb. You may feel the urge to store the hair under your bed, but chances are you'll find it a year later and there will be a colony of maggots living in it. Trust me.