How To Cut Your Own Hair

Step 6 The beard

If you really want to win the heart of that (insert gender of preference) that sits beside you in biology class, you're going to have to clean up that mess of hair you call a beard. That's right, I'm talking to you Sarah Fernbeck! *

Take out your electric buzzer, lubricate it and turn it on. Don't be scared though. It's more afraid of you than you are of it. Hold it with confidence, and trim a strip under your chin. Enjoy this moment, for it is your first and last chance to ever be taken seriously at a Motorhead show, at least until they notice your skinny, 10-year old boy arms.

Now that you have determined without a doubt that you are in fact softcore, continue trimming the rest of your facial hair.

• I made up the name Sarah Fernbeck, so if that happens to be your name and you have a beard, take no offence. But seriously, you might want to at least give it a trim every once and a while.