Introduction: How to Survive the Wrath of a Thousand Hungry Water Snakes

Picture of How to Survive the Wrath of a Thousand Hungry Water Snakes

We've all been there. One moment you're soaring above the country side in your para-tank, destroying enemy bombers left and right, and the next you're sitting in the middle of a lake with a smoking hole where your cannon was, poisonous water vipers closing in on all sides. How many times have you just sat there awkwardly, unsure of what to do, and being bitten by giant red murder-pythons? Wasn't it embarrassing explaining to your friends what happened? Especially when your family disowned you due to the unending buckets of shame you brought them? Well now you can redeem yourself, win back your loved ones, and get rid of all of those shame buckets.

Step 1: Step 1: Don't Panic

Picture of Step 1: Don't Panic

The first thing that probably comes to mind in a situation like this is "I'M GOING TO DIE!!!" or "AHH!!!or  "GREAT KENNY LOGGINS' BEARD, THAT IS SO MANY SNAKES!!!!!". It is important that you remain calm, as your panic will only excite them, like some sort  of bizarre, ophidian, perfume. Cherry scented perfume. That's right, your panic smells like cherries to snakes. Don't ask how I know this, I just do. Instead of panicking, try converting your fear into adrenaline to fuel the battle rage you will need in order to stay alive. If it helps, hum "You're The Best", or the A-Team theme, or any song from a Rocky movie.

Step 2: Step 2: Beat Them With Their Own Kind

Picture of Step 2: Beat Them With Their Own Kind

Snakes, like many animals, have nothing but love and trust for others of their species, and therefore assume that if a close friend is hurtling towards them at high speeds, their friend intends to give them a thoughtful gift, or perhaps an affectionate hug, and will not move to avoid them, so as not to be rude. Use this to your advantage while fighting. Grab the nearest snake by the tail, lift it over your head, and use it to bludgeon its comrades to death. This tactic works with almost any animal you'll ever encounter, from bats to baboons.

Step 3: Step 3: Demand to See Their Manager

Picture of Step 3: Demand to See Their Manager

Once you get bored murdering serpents with their loved ones, grab the snake closest to you, look it directly into its terrified, beady eyes, contort your face into a mask of pure fury, and shout for it to take you to its king. If you do everything correctly, half a dozen boa constrictors will swim toward you like giant, boa shaped torpedoes, wrapping around you and dragging you to the murky depths of the sea. Here, you will meet Jormundgandr, the Midgard Serpent, who agree to set you free so long as you end your relentless slaughter. Ignore him, as he speaks lies, and instead repeat your battle cry from before, except substitute angry shouting for unyielding, incomprehensible bellowing. You may then proceed to charge head first down his throat and into his stomach, taking as many snakes with you as you can. From here you will...

Step 4: Step 4: Kill the Midgard Serpent

Picture of Step 4: Kill the Midgard Serpent

Right now you have a couple of options. You could use the snakes to bludgeon the Evil Snake King to death from the inside, or MacGyver together a bomb with your shoe laces and the computer you apparently carry into snakes. Seriously, how are you still reading this? Is there wi-fi in there? Regardless, as you go about your task, you should begin planning your victory speech for when you return home. Maybe watch Patton a few times for ideas. Also, despite the overwhelming urge to do so, try to avoid making any Bond one liners. Especially something like "Looks like he's hissss-tory!" Which leads us to our next step...

Step 5: Step 5: Celebrate Your Victory

Picture of Step 5: Celebrate Your Victory

Upon returning to your place of residence, immediately have the servants prepare a large feast. Invite all of your closest friends. Share your story. Show off any trophies you have from your fight. Dance. Eat pancakes. Whatever it is you like to do at parties. Just enjoy yourself. The army's on their way, and they aren't happy about your desertion from the para-tank division.

Comments

jessyratfink (author)2012-04-26

Extremely useful!

Truehart (author)2012-03-02

Brillant!

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