I know, I know...we've all been in that situation where we had to pass for a German tourist, ex-GSG9 operative, or foreign exchange student from Bavaria. When you have to convey this via writing it's even more difficult because you obviously have to type how you talk, and I know I'm not the only one who can say he's lost a significant other or two because I lapsed in my German accent during an email.
Fear no more! Inside these pages you will learn to express your false Teutonic heritage with pride while developing fluent German language accent skills comparable to any found in a Mel Brooks movie. I will build upon each rule and use them in subsequent rules until we are writing in a fluent German accent!
Step 1: W's are for the veak
Rule 1: Pronounce all "W's" as "V's"
In German, the letter "w" is pronounced as a "v," as in "was" or "wehrmacht." Carry this over into your English for a significant impact. Vat this does is start to add a Germanic flavor to your speaking. Use it only vere you pronounce the "w" in English; you vouldn't use it for vords like "write" or "wriangle" but you vould for "we," "webster," "war," and "was."
Rule 1.1: "Wh" is just "v"
For vords vis a "wh" write it simply as "v." "What" is vat, not vhat.
Rule 1.2: No two letter words
For vords like "we" make it "vee." No two-letter vords!
Now vee vill go to the next step.