Remember those written tests back in jailschool which had you read through ALL of the directives and questions before answering?
The last bit of text was something like, "Please write your name at the top of the page, bring Test up to the desk with a wooden apple on it and go back to your seat and sit quietly."
It was a training in obedience, of course, but the ones who were privy to it from a prior experience smelled a rotten fish, smiled, waited a few minutes, filled out nothing but their Name and paraded up and back before anyone else. The newbies were awestruck as to how this person had "finished" the test so quickly.
Well, this is kinda like that.
I digressed a bit for nostalgia's sake. The idea about reading through its entirety is the point I am making here.
A few days ago I was perusing through Seamster's Instructables and stumbled upon this gem:
I read with awe and anticipation and by the end was totally taken and had become a convert.
I just had to try this. My daughter has had breathing issues and weird dreams about micro-sized objects for as long as I can remember. Something clicked inside. OMG, what if.....
Step 1: Ready, Set, Go!!!
(remember the rules of the test?)
Let's assemble our weapons:
Wait, should that be tools?
Let's consult the Oxford:
tool - n. A device or implement, especially one held in the hand, used to carry out a particular function
n. A person used or exploited by another
weapon - n. A means of gaining an advantage or defending oneself in a conflict or contest
Hmmm, they all seem to apply.
I mean, I have entered this into the Remix Contest, and I do have Test Subjects, and I am using my hands in a particular function to carry out a task. I guess I'll just go with Tool. Plus, it rhymes with "cool".
1. refurbished Eureka!
1a. computer & printer OR label maker OR post-it & marker OR suspension of reality
(I read somewhere that giving people options is a plus when writing an Instructable)
1b. Why refurbish?
Well, one of the commenters on Seamster's Instructable mentioned something about a Kirby. Now, I know that Kirby's are the King of all that Sucks, and I just have a poodle of a thing. Sometimes, I go over and over a safety pin and it won't even twist in fear. I believe that if I had a real-life Kirby it would recoil, (play dead, probably) and meet its Maker like all victims before the King do.
And I want POWER.
2. Krazy straw
The Dollar Tree. Call ahead.
I suggest color-coordinating with the gender of your child. Pink, Blue...or Glow Green(just trying to be inclusive.. Aliens, ya know..we all have our fantasies.)
3. willing test subjects
No need to travel far, they are closer than you think.
4. Liquid Courage
Whatever photographs well.
(another plus in Instructables)
Step 2: Background Music
I mean, this is a given. You are going to be doing something that you may want to liven up with a, how should I say.. a spin, yeah, you want to put a Fun Spin on this.
Like when you were younger, and your Mom wanted to bake and she had a boatload of kids... she had to corral them up onto the kitchen chairs, with ropes and toy guns and feathers.. it was a re-enactment of Cowboys and Indians, you know? Like where else could you get away with teaching your kids about Cowboys, Indians, Guns(gasp!!) and Baking all in one go ? The Seventies!! The Sweet Seventies...
So here are two videos that seem obviously related. Wait, I don't like to be obvious. Yeah, so if you delve a bit deeper, these videos offer something more....
Step 3: A S S_ _ B_ _ Appa _at _s
I love Hangman!
Oh, since you weren't playing, the letters left are 2 E's, an M, an R...oh, you can figure it out!!
Right, so looking at the picture you can see what we are doing.
You can hearken back to Seamster's Instructable, if you want to, and notice that his choice of vacuum "extension tool" was rather tongue-in-cheek; I, on other the other hand, have decided to be a little more Serious and have chosen to use a Krazy straw.
It just seems safer
I shouldn't have to explain my rationale to you guys, you are so smart, but it just seems like a longer, curvier pathway. It adds distance... and drama. And that's kinda good.
Step 4: Brief Interlude
They so did NOT get dressed together before going on stage.
Catchy song, though.
Funny story here:
It was the late Seventies, maybe early Eighties. I was at my cousins' house, and I guess it was a few days after Ash Wednesday or some other Christian holiday where they give you those skinny white candles to take home with you. My girl cousin had some in her room, lying around somewhere conspicuous, and my boy cousin came in and saw them, picked them up and started using them as a microphone, totally getting into this song.. "Jenny!!" "8675309!!".."Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to!?" and snapping his fingers while he was holding the "microphone."
One or both of the candles snapped in half. My girl cousin started crying. I started laughing. (Inside, of course. I'm a very nice, sensitive girl.)
The contrast was just too rich. Holy and pure white candles that gave in so easily to a Show-off rambunctious boy cousin singing a sexual song.
Okay, back on track...
Step 5: The Trial Run
There was no way in hell I was gonna try this out on myself first(like Seamster said he did), so I went in search of my manly manfriend.
I remember finding some machine in his bathroom a few years back and hesitantly asking him what it was. (You never know... it was in his bathroom) He explained that it was a nose flusher. You plug one nostril with your finger, put this thing up your other nostril, turn it on, and some solution cleans out all the tunnels and crevices.
"Wanna try it?", I remember him enthusiastically asking.
"Um, no thank you.", I had graciously declined.
He has also told me that his sense of smell isn't so good(maybe this apparatus could help that!... : D ). So, between convincing him of that and his comfortableness with the whole nose-flushing torture thing, he was totally game.
"Video or it didn't happen!"
Okay, fine, you asked for it....
Step 6: Whoops...
I feel like since that that didn't go so well, I needed a larger sample size.
I had an idea.
Step 7: Test Subject #2
What? What's the problem? What's the worse that could happen? I would assume that their whole nasal cavity thing is kinda similar to ours. I mean, gimme a break, I am going to stick this up my little Princess's nose. I want all the kinks worked out first, thank you very much.
Step 8: Look at the Treasure Trove!
The Champagne bottle threw me, but that explains the toothpaste. I get the vacuum cleaner.. she was probably thinking that if she just put that up there she could suck everything out. Clever girl.
Needless to say, she slept RATHER well that night. Quiet as a baby.
Step 9: Remember the Test?
Phew! Because at this point I am going to have Men in Suits showing up at my door.
I loved Seamster's Instructable. I also loved his firm and unfaltering faith in reality. Poo the Prosthetic Parents of Poodles!
I was also inspired by the Professional Commenters.
(I have always desired making a brilliant, tongue-in-cheek Instructable about them, but I fear that that may get me into hot water)
This Instructable that I have crafted so delicately is obviously a parody, a piece of humor, and a push to create something new within Instructables.com
Kind of like an Onion subcategory of Instructables.
It is so fun to learn stuff, and most of the learning comes from the journey.
And I LOVE Instructables for the Inspiration and Entertainment I derive from it.
I like to give that back. It is quite enjoyable for me to craft somewhat silly scenarios. I learn in the meantime and hope that others are entertained as I am when I read through various Instructables that I consider Gems.
I have often told people that if a goodish portion of the world's population were creating Instructables on this incredible platform... we'd totally have world peace.
This is the Greatest Community ever!!! And I am proud to say that one of my favorite hobbies is creating Instructables on Instructables.com
No humans or animals were harmed in the making of this Instructable.