Instructables
Have you ever been in that tricky situation any spy must face? You know how it goes (you mean you don't?); caught as the impostor you are, sitting in a darkened room with a huge armed guard by your side, wired up to a polygraph. These ingenious machines monitor various aspects of your condition, such as skin resistance (sweat), blood pressure and heart rate. Their reliability is widely disputed, with some people claiming they are accurate 95% of the time, whilst others report a mere 60% (see wiki article for more info. However, there is now A WAY OUT OF THESE SITUATIONS! *. With this instructable you will find out how to beat the machines for sure and get back to the CIA/FBI/MI6 etc. in no time!!

*This is not necessarily true
 
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Step 1: BUM CLENCHING!! (yes, I meant to write that)

For this method, I borrow a technique the Russians told their agents in the KGB. Clenching your Anal Sphinctre is a surefire way of ensuring every question is seen as a lie! It increases perspiration and heart rate, and will help to defeat the enemy!* Beware though, it is rumoured that many interrogators now use pressure sensitive seat pads, and you'll be in a jail in no time!!

Step 2: Pain, PAIN, PAIN!!!!!

Thats right folks!! Causing yourself pain will trick those Polygraph operators so hard they wont know which way is up*. Any method is good, but some of my favourites include:

A tack in your shoe
Biting your tongue
Twisting your finger
Cutting yourself accidentally before the interrogation

Be imaginative!!

Step 3: Be vague

If you answer the questions vaguely (or not at all), they can't be definitive about their verdict. Relax completely, and try not to think or care about your answers. It's as simple as that.

Step 4: DONT LISTEN TO THEM!!

If the polygraph operators tell you they know you're lying, or try to put you at ease, or in fact say anything at all, then don't listen to them. They will be trying to trick you, and they are NOT on your side!

Step 5: Don't listen to me

Incidentally, a Polygraph test is not hard evidence in court so you have just wasted your time reading this article!! MUAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAMUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
WorriedDad6 years ago
I have a child that will lie about anything and everything, I am worried that he has done stuff that is very wrong for him and the family. id there anything that I could buy or do to prove that he is telling me the truth or if he is still lieing to me
search lie and i 'll come up with ways to tell someone is  lying





                                     sorry about your kid
lane294 years ago
W  T  F   ;<{}
lane294 years ago
constapation suxx, dis monkey is demonstrating dat too
KottonKandy4 years ago
LOL! I LOVED this one! Its toooo funny! Great job! A+
georion4 years ago
lie detectors are Pseudo science and anyone claiming to be in law enforcement and supporting lie detectors is a liar or a dummy or both ,,this is just modernized middle ages BS!!!!!! look at the almost if not actual criminal types that get  2 to 3weeks traing to be a "lie detector techs or whatever they  call them---LOL<<<LOL>>>  LOL
Johenix5 years ago
There is another way to beat a lie detector test: 1.) Remember that the test and the tester are frauds. 2.) The first part of this fraud is that the tester will try to convince you that the machine actually works. Do not believe it. 3.) To make you believe that the machine really works the tester will have you cut a deck of cards and try to tell you what card you cut to. This is part of the fraud. 4.) The deck is what a magician calls a 'shaved deck'. Half the cards are short and wide and 26 cards of a single value, the other 26 cards are long and narrow and have an assortment of values. 5.) The operator will handle the deck so that he can show you a variety of cards. Then he will put the deck in front of you and ask you to cut to a card so that he can prove to you that the machine works. 6.) He expects that you will pick up the deck so that you get one of the 26 duplicate cards. 7.) Instead pick up the deck, fan it and say, 'This is a very interesting deck of cards. It has a whole bunch of ____s in it. I've never seen a deck of cards like this before. I think I'll keep it to show to your boss. After all if this machine of yours actually worked you wouldn't need this trick deck of cards to make people think it works.' Put the deck of cards in your pocket. 8.) Announce that you will have nothing to do with any person who resorts to cheap tricks like crooked cards. Walk out on the exam. Denounce the examiner loudly and widely to anyone and everyone as a cheap fraud. If your boss made you take the test publicly ask him how could he be so gullable as to be taken in by such a con artist. If it was a cop that made you take the test, denounce the examiner in the press and tell how he used a cheap card trick to make his machine seem to work, then ask how can the cops be so dumb as to be taken in by such an obvious charlatain.
Sweet Dude... I wish i knew this sooner.. (sigh)
What happened? I have no manners.
Action Pat6 years ago
Oh, one more thing, a true polygraph measures skin resistance, pulse, upper breathing and lower breathing. maybe even blood pressure.
Yes, even blood pressure. There is no way to cheat the polygraph test. You're a moron if you think you can.
lupinesoul, I sent an answer once to your post, but I must have done something wrong as I do not see my post, so if you get it twice, that is the reason. You seem to be a doctor or law enforcement and normally I would not disagree with your statement. However in certain cases other than a pschoypath, the polygraph can be beaten. As a LEO, we were given an assignment to do just that. That gave the operator some of our true personal information and a secenero, some real, some false. They made a form for the operator by asking us some questions, but they did not look in our personal files, they just ask us questions. We the writer asked me my full name, I said it is ****** Leo **** as he did not know my middle name which is Lee. So when the operator asked me if my name was ****** Leo **** I said yes, that started a pattern as you seem to know. from that point on my lies appeared to be truths, and although my vitals dropped when I told the truth, the operator saw it as me trying to be deceptive. Of course I was, but not in the direction he thought. I also believe that you know that a polygraph is only as good as it's operator and also the operator's state of mind. If he starts with the idea you are going to lie, he might find that so even when you tell the truth. We have seen that happen, so being a moron trying to beat a polygraph isn't fully accurate. Not an argument,just experience.
No, I'm not a doctor or law enforcement, but I'm flattered(unless you're just being sarcastic). xD But if you've had actual experiences with it your opinion weighs pretty heavily (though not too much as I cannot confirm it; you understand). Still, I see no reason these wonderful law-abiding citizens should need this knowledge; That's my underlying point. :D
I don't know about that,I cheated one once I just pretended they asked "have you ever stole a lolipop?" ps- have you? have you?!?
No, I haven't. I haven't needed to. However, it's proven that given a decent polygraph operator, it is impossible to cheat a polygraph test.
shadow25146 years ago
or you can tell yourself the lie is true so much that you think it is (this works for me as long as I don't think about how i am doing it to trick the pollygraph)
Action Pat6 years ago
Most people are going to have to go through polygraphs for pre-employment screening (cops or firefighters). If you're tech knows what he is doing there IS ABSOLUTELY NO CHEAP TRICK TO LIE YOUR WAY THROUGH IT. Any attempt will result in a verdict of deception and they will throw out your application. You may be able to hide some of your guilty deeds if you misinterpret the question or have actually convinced yourself that your lie is the truth. In terms of police suspect polygraphs- you are not forced to take one, it is voluntary- REFUSE TO TAKE IT-you'll be better off. If you're a caught spy, you can try all these tips, but i would recommend the cyanide capsule, it will probably be less painful in the end.
tomonto7 years ago
what if you are not trying to make them think you are lying? What if you are trying to make them think you are telling the truth?
If it only says you're wrong, it will be considered inaccurate and thrown out.
If I remember correctly, a polygraph test measures your pulse (or something like that), with the understanding that when one lies the graph will go up because one is tense. Thus tensing up the entire time or causing pain to oneself (when telling the truth) would allow the average point of the reading to be higher, thus matching the lies. It also helps to be more relaxed when lying. Basically, because there is no one average reading, they determine and individual's average by asking questions you both know the true answer to. This is when you would poke yourself with a needle (I have heard that putting it in your shoe and poking your toe works well), causing your average to be higher than it actually is, and the readings of lies would not spike so high above the average. Basically, they won't think you are lying on all the questions - it'll just seem as though you are answering them all correctly (conclusion drawn by comparing other question's readings to those of the obviously true answers), and are possibly more tense than normal...a perfectly reasonable condition considering you are hooked to a machine and being questioned. Hope that all made sense...
macmaniac (author)  tomonto7 years ago
If they think you're lying on every question they won't be able to reach a verdict
It's not what you're trying to do, but what you're actually doing. If you actually believe a falsehood to be true, it would appear as truth on a lie detector test. A good technician would see right through every one of these "tricks." It's not like they're not already known by every inmate of every jail/prison. All these tricks would do is return a deceptive attitude in the results. In other words... Fail.
Didn't the Mythbusters prove this wrong though?
Hawaii000007 years ago
Mythbusters
nerfer1927 years ago
thats not even the pointy end!
jackfr0st7 years ago
i believe that the pain pic is a needle, only the side with the eye is nearest the finger, meaning the not sharp or pointy end, hardly painfull at all
Go,fal down a hole, and die.
macmaniac (author)  jackfr0st7 years ago
good point!(no pun intended) Just imagine it was point down...
mrmath7 years ago
I could be mistaken, but I think that in most jurisdictions the lie dector test results can not be admitted into court, but they can be used to get a warrent to search for more evidence. Anyone know different?
Sheesh...weren't you paying attention?? This instructable is clearly intended for SPIES!! If the FSB/French Interior Ministry/MI6/Canadian Super-Secret Mounted Caribou or whoever have you in a dark room to issue a polygraph and you fail...they won't be trying to prosecute you. You'll end up in a gulag/sunken greenpeace vessel/rendered to GITMO/Bitten by a moose, respectively. ;o)
Sheesh, yourself! :) I don't think that any spies are going to be reading this website for advice on how to do their job. I mean, don't they learn that stuff in Spy School? :)
:-| tell the truth...
Kirk: Don't listen to him, everything he says is a lie. Mudd: I'm lying.
rockyt7 years ago
some people don't know the difference,to them, not getting caught in their lies and telling the truth is the same thing.