Have you ever been in that tricky situation any spy must face? You know how it goes (you mean you don't?); caught as the impostor you are, sitting in a darkened room with a huge armed guard by your side, wired up to a polygraph. These ingenious machines monitor various aspects of your condition, such as skin resistance (sweat), blood pressure and heart rate. Their reliability is widely disputed, with some people claiming they are accurate 95% of the time, whilst others report a mere 60% (see wiki article
for more info. However, there is now A WAY OUT OF THESE SITUATIONS! *. With this instructable you will find out how to beat the machines for sure and get back to the CIA/FBI/MI6 etc. in no time!!
*This is not necessarily true
Step 1: BUM CLENCHING!! (yes, I meant to write that)
For this method, I borrow a technique the Russians told their agents in the KGB. Clenching your Anal Sphinctre is a surefire way of ensuring every question is seen as a lie! It increases perspiration and heart rate, and will help to defeat the enemy!* Beware though, it is rumoured that many interrogators now use pressure sensitive seat pads, and you'll be in a jail in no time!!
Step 2: Pain, PAIN, PAIN!!!!!
Thats right folks!! Causing yourself pain will trick those Polygraph operators so hard they wont know which way is up*. Any method is good, but some of my favourites include:
A tack in your shoe
Biting your tongue
Twisting your finger
Cutting yourself accidentally before the interrogation
Step 3: Be vague
If you answer the questions vaguely (or not at all), they can't be definitive about their verdict. Relax completely, and try not to think or care about your answers. It's as simple as that.
Step 4: DONT LISTEN TO THEM!!
If the polygraph operators tell you they know you're lying, or try to put you at ease, or in fact say anything at all, then don't listen to them. They will be trying to trick you, and they are NOT on your side!
Step 5: Don't listen to me
Incidentally, a Polygraph test is not hard evidence in court so you have just wasted your time reading this article!! MUAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAMUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!