Introduction: How to Grow and Maintain a Manly Moustache!

LISTEN UP!
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............
 Alright ladies it is time for you big bunch a sissy boys to start acting like real men! The best way on Gods' green earth for that monumental task is to grow a Moustache! THIS IS NOT FOR THE FEINT OF HEART! many of you girly men won't even survive till the end of this guide, so the people out there who are tired of their pitiful selves follow me! To the rest of you boy band rejects go drink some soy milk.

Step 1: Gather Your Supplies!

Fist thing is first! We are going to need some supplies for this journey into manliness. This is a list of the basic essentials you will need for this mission. Individual tastes will change from girl to girl, but you turd biters can figure out the rest on your own. GO OUT AND BUY EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST! I don't care is you already have this stuff go buy more, your gonna need it!

       
1. SOAP
                -Plain and unscented is best.
2. SCISSORS
                -Mens grooming scissors, they will have a slight curve to the cutting part to make it easier to trim your leg hair.
 3. DISPOSABLE RAZOR
                - Do not use a straight razor, you too stupid not to hurt yourself.
4. MOUSTACHE WAX
                  - Needed to tame the monster we are creating. When buying was make sure it is moustache wax, there are a lot of products out there that look like they will work the same way, but they won't.
5. LITTLE COMB
                  - Often sold with the wax or in a kit with the scissors.

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6. A pack of light bulbs.
Now it is finally time to begin you belated journey into decency! MOVE OUT!

Step 2: Getting Started

First thing is first, replace those dead light bulbs you justin bieber wannabe! Don't even try to lie either, I know you haven't changed out the old bulbs because you didn't want to see you shameful reflection staring back at you. WELL GUESS WHAT SQUID HUMPER! IT'S MAN TIME NOW! Now get your sorry self up a step stool and get those dead bulbs out!

Step 3: TRY HARDER!

LOOK AT THAT!? Can't you losers do anything right? This is what happens when you buy a pack of light bulbs on sale at the dollar store. Now you throw those worthless wastes of glass out and get you sorry self to Wal-Mart like a real Man and buy some real light bulbs.

Step 4: FINALLY!

I wont say that I am proud of you, BECAUSE I'M NOT! All of that work just to replace a light, how do you think you can even try to grow a Manly Moustache if you are this stupid? You make me want to drink shampoo, but since we are busy that can wait till later. Now that your bathroom is properly lit, you can see what kind of disgusting pig you are. GO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS! A Moustache needs a clean and sterile environment in order to grow properly.

Step 5: Let's Do This!

TIME FOR A SHOWER!
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       Why?...... Because you disgust me, thats why. NOW GO WASH AWAY YOUR SHAME WE ARE GOING TO MAKE A BETTER YOU! Also, the hot water will help soften the bristles of your little girl beard, making it easier to shave. You could use a washcloth soaked with hot water for this step too, just remember to wear a training bra because you are officially a little girl. REAL MEN TAKE SHOWERS now in the water you Martha Stewart stunt doubles. Use some of the soap from step one.

Step 6: The Beginning...

OUT OF THE SHOWER!   
 Well look at that, you are slightly less of a dissapointment to society. DO NOT DRY OFF, in fact, if you have an air conditioner go turn it on now or shave outside. We will burn all your towels later, soon your Moustache will be all you need to stay warm. now take some more soap and work up a good lather on the parts of your face you want to shave. use soap, it provides a good clean shave, and it lets you see what your doing so that you don't accidentally cut off part of your budding Moustache of Manliness. NO, you can't use shaving cream, only Lady Gaga uses shaving cream. That was a stupid question and you should feel stupid for asking it.

Step 7: Finish Shaving

Finish shaving and rinse away any excess soap. Remember to be very careful and take your time while shaving unless you want to ruin the start of your new Moustache. IF you do actually manage to ruin the rest of you life by cutting off part of your new stash then the only thing you can do is look into Seppuku to reclaim your lost honor. Look at that, nice and smooth. 

Step 8: Time for Some Style.

After an eternity of hard work you might have a Moustache half as manly as mine. At this point it becomes a sentient being and requires a lot of care to keep it from killing you in your sleep. The first step to this is combing. You should comb your Moustache every morning and night, 100 brush strokes on each side. This will ensure your Moustache has a nice shiny coat. See that booger in my nose? I am saving that one for later.

Step 9: Adjustments

At this point you almost count as a man with your Moustache. After the combing we need to make some adjustments, so go grab those scissors you forgot about till i mentioned them here. CAREFULLY trim down any uneven or errant hairs. remember, less is more when cutting. You should also try and look psychotic if at all possible. This will scare your Moustache into staying still while you work.

Step 10: Styling

Now it is time to add some style to your stash, and the best way to do this is Moustache wax. 
- take a small amount of wax and brush it through your Moustache with your comb.
- moving quickly brush a few times to evenly spread the wax and begin styling
- REMEMBER, less is more here.
- try not to put your fingers or unclean tools directly into the wax, especially if your was came in a tin or jar. Use a clean applicator every time.

Step 11: Advanced Styling.

This is the part where your manly potential is revealed. Much of this is trial and effort on your part. experiment to find what works best for you. I find that applying a small amount of wax to the tip of my pointer finger and thumb is the best way to style. In the pictures I am going for the curled style. Slowly I pull on the outer ends of my Moustache while slowly twisting the hairs together. I find that twisting away from your face with the pointer finger works best. Experimentation is key here. Apply a small amount of wax after the first coat dries for an "all day hold."

Step 12: Final.

Finish things up and pose dramatically while laughing maniacally. This is the sort of thing you should do now. Walk down the street and watch women swoon at your manliness. Congratulations, you are almost manly enough the make me want to take back all the mean things I said earlier. almost.

 It should be noted that if any person out there tries to correct my spelling of the word "Moustache" I will travel thought the interwebs and hit them in the face with a rotary phone.


Comments

author
Brrrip21 (author)2016-09-06

The bar of soap may have worked if you have a womans skin, as is shown in the picture. But when it comes to a mans skin that is battered by hard labor, beer, and cigarettes, we need a bit more. Oh an also hair on the lip that doesnt resemble a grandmas cooter. Thanks for the waste of time reading...i guess.

author
LukeC16 (author)2015-10-23

Fail. only trim the tips or it will look as thin and misshapen as this guys the wax is used to shape it away from you mouth

This is one of the worst moustache's online

Is this better?

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M-aB (author)LukeC162016-04-27

Much better yes! You have an actual handlebar, not a handlebar mullet :P

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UstenK (author)LukeC162015-10-23

Lol I agree Luke

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freeournation made it! (author)2015-12-18

Forget that bar of soap! That's the worst thing you could use on your face. Go and get yourself a nice puck of shave soap or tube of shaving cream, they're relatively cheap, and get yourself an old coffee cup. Sometimes you can find a pretty cheap deal on a set with shaving mug/soap and a nice brush. If you can find a nice set that includes shaving oil and some after balm to go with the shave soap, then pick that up. I like to shave mine up with a cheap 1920's open comb, double edge saftey razor, but any safety razor will do. Plus, it makes you feel more like a badass to shave with a REAL blade. That regular soap will dry you out and doesn't shave very well, while warm shaving soap brushed on your face after a hot shower and shaved off with a warm, sharp safety razor will just glide the hair away. Just remember, no shave soap, no shave, in other words, only shave the areas on your face that have soap on them, once it's gone, reapply, never shave dry. Cheers and Wet Shave On!

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author

Forgot to mention, if you do manage to find yourself a nice double edge safety razor at a flea market, or online, be sure to clean it first as I'm sure it has been used before, all of my 12 razors have. I just clean them first with some very hot water and baking soda and let them soak, then use an old toothbrush to brush away any gunk, and have used scrubbing bubbles a time or two as well. Toothpaste is also an excellent cleaner, then I'd run it through more hot water to clean it off, followed by a good bath in some hydrogen peroxide, then into some alcohol just to make sure there is no bacteria on it before you start using it to shave with. Takes some time, but I really enjoy my shaving and collection of older-than-my-grandfather razors.

author
waxxy (author)2015-11-02

Bearded Brother,

Check out Dollar Beard Club. I use them to keep my beard sharp. On a monthly basis, they send you personalized kits that'll make Zeus’ beard jealous.

Manliness guaranteed. http://refer.dollarbeardclub.com/cMdCv

author
UstenK (author)2015-10-23

Oh ya and manly men dont shave ;)

author
UstenK (author)2015-10-23

Oh ya and manly men dont shave ;)

author
UstenK (author)2015-10-23

Lol the first 2-5 steps are pointless. And you forgot the part about "growing"

author
bmarks2 (author)2015-08-17

he's amusing the hell out of me.

author
MeMe1978 (author)2015-07-07

I love it wish I could see it in person. So handsome. I remember my dad teaching my bro how to get the best curl.

author
amyt5 (author)2015-04-19

This is the most awesome instructable I have seen... I am favoriting it now, and giving it to my hubby after he gets home from work. He's definitely the manly man, and will get such a kick out of this attempt to get others to be manly too! Great job, and awesome literary skillz for the humour necessary to inspire those sissies!

author
CrafteroftheArts (author)2015-03-16

JK

author
CrafteroftheArts (author)2015-03-16

I'm 14 and I could probably grow a better mustache than you!

author
pat.mustard.33 (author)2014-12-11

Point 1. Dove is for girls. Don't care of it's unscented. Use Coal Tar Soap and quit whining about the smell, you're s'posed to be a man!

Point 2. Your moustache is actually pathetic. Really is, sorry. What sort of girl twists and curls it with products!? Use earwax like a real man if you must style it... The natural face hanger is always better however, if you're man enough to grow it. Case in point - my epic Highway Cop 'tache. See pic. I think I made my point.

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author
meanUncleHank (author)2014-10-04

Pretty good work, son.

My only complaint is..(and it's a big one) the fact that you even OWN "Dove" brand vagina soap, let alone use it on your face.

IF and when you decide to become a MAN, use some real man soap like "Grandpa's Wonder Pine Tar Soap" or "Lucky Scruff" handmade pine tar soap, these soaps are made for men, they're actually good for your face / beard / hair. And you get the added bonus of NOT having to use girly soaps.

Man up, boy.
, uncle Hank

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author
Plo Koon (author)2014-06-03

Mustaches are quite manly. However, I am going to keep my facial hair curtailed for the time being. When I am a bit older, however, I will likely grow some form of mustache/beard.

Also, here is a link to a blog by a MAN known as Dr. Awesome. He is one of the highest authorities on manliness. Study and practice his teachings, and your manliness will increase exponentially!

http://gotmanswers.blogspot.com/

Please understand that I am in no way, shape, form, or fashion trying to even remotely insult your undoubtedly great manliness. Respect, sir!

author
JustPrism (author)2011-12-17

This whole thing was hilarious.

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SgtJellyfish (author)2011-10-19

team fortress 2 is awesome. why did they have to make it free though?

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sergiuung (author)SgtJellyfish2011-12-11

To get new players, and more potential mann co store buyers. It's working, trust me, they made loads of cash of newcomers.

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omnitron (author)2011-09-20

you sir are a champion among men. i myself have no moustache and am quite shamed to read this instructable without one however one day i aspire to grow one like Brian orosco (look him up). perhaps you can give instructions to promote healthy moustache growth. if so i would be greatly indebted and refer to you sen cay from then and every day on.

author
Nameramthgin (author)omnitron2011-09-21

BRIAN OROSCO!? I do not need to increase my knowledge on that paragon of manly virtue!!!!! I know Full well who he is! A true competitor of ninja warrior! as for growing tips, there is a comment I left on here about lemon juice and rubbing alcohol, find it and follow it. ALSO CONTINUE WATCHING NINJA WARRIOR!!! MANLY HOBBIES PROMOTE MANLY FACIAL HAIR!. YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO TIGER PUNTING AND BEAR BLASTING TOO!!!! You should also start building small models and then destroying them while laughing maniacally. It will help prepare you for your inevitable attempt at world domination.

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omnitron (author)Nameramthgin2011-10-18

thank you master i truely apreiate all you are doing for the jellyfish of this soon to fall world

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kretzlord (author)2011-09-27

Everything i read in this instructable has had the voice of R. Lee Ermey screaming in my head. Thank you for the wonderful instructable, i might have to grow my moustache out to match the beard...

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Justincorrigible (author)2011-09-25

Good on ya.

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jmackenzie5 (author)2011-09-10

Your mustache is thin and lacks girth...I challenge your mustache to a duel!

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Nameramthgin (author)jmackenzie52011-09-10

COME PREPARED BOY!
My moustache has plenty of back up, and God help you if I have to pull out my back or chest hair.......

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bmumaw (author)Nameramthgin2011-09-15

I want to have a mustache duel!?! Time to grow out the beard and lay the ground work for the disasterstach that shall pummel all weakling thin staches! jmackenzie5... I'm not talking to you as you already have a fully developed manstache! Nice work!

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Ziggythewiz (author)bmumaw2011-09-15

Is mustache duel a euphemism for guys making out? Not that there's anyth

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jmackenzie5 (author)Ziggythewiz2011-09-22

bahah, honestly I was more inclined to a mustache off as in growing a mustache and seeing which one is more manlier..either that or imagining two mustaches taking 10 paces and quick drawing pistols...You on the other hand may have some confusion about your sexual orientation my friend..no worries, I refer you to Mr. Freddie Mercury for all your mustache riding dreams.

author
Nameramthgin (author)jmackenzie52011-09-24

HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE NAME OF FARROKH BULSARA IN VEIN!! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO EVERYTHING MANLY ABOUT MOUSTACHES! YOU ARE NOT EVEN WORTHY TO SIT IN THE SAME ROOM AS HIS SPANDEX!

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bmumaw (author)Ziggythewiz2011-09-15

Errrr. Idk. If it is I retract my previous statement

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Nameramthgin (author)bmumaw2011-09-21

roflolshmsfoaidmt

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Nameramthgin (author)Ziggythewiz2011-09-15

roflol.

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Nameramthgin (author)jmackenzie52011-09-21

You know, i had thought up a really funny response and was gonna post it to continue the insanity of the conversation, but after bmumaw's comment I just don't think that I can.

author
book worm (author)2011-09-15

MINE WAS LONELY SO GREW A FRIENDLY BEARD TO GO WITH IT

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Nameramthgin (author)book worm2011-09-21

FRIENDLY BEARDS ASSIST THE MOUSTACHE IN KEEPING ONES FACE WARM!!!!

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N4CRLucky (author)2011-09-15

Mustache wax is not enough for me! I had to go for MAXIMUM HOLD hair gel to get my necessary curl =D

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Nameramthgin (author)N4CRLucky2011-09-21

SUITABLY APPROPRIATE!

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tfarner (author)2011-09-15

I've seen better mustaches on a post-menopausal woman!

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Nameramthgin (author)tfarner2011-09-21

YOU SHOULD PICK YOU COMPANY BETTER THEN!

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ScottyAlmanjoy (author)tfarner2011-09-16

^this

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Rbwood (author)2011-09-19

Superb!

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ntsagarides (author)2011-09-15

Isn't Lady Gaga manly enough?

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Nameramthgin (author)ntsagarides2011-09-17

OH GOD I HOPE NOT............

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emerson.john (author)2011-09-17

That stuff hanging into your mouth has got to be unsanitary.

author

ABSOLUTELY! BUT IT BUILDS MANLY CHARACTER, AND IT TASTES AMAZING!!

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Sodaburger (author)2011-09-17

...your mustache is not all that you will scare...

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stocky (author)2011-09-16

the only true way to shave is with a cut throat :P

also using a shaving brush will help to work the hairs up thus a closer shave.

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