Introduction: How to Grow and Maintain a Manly Moustache!
Alright ladies it is time for you big bunch a sissy boys to start acting like real men! The best way on Gods' green earth for that monumental task is to grow a Moustache! THIS IS NOT FOR THE FEINT OF HEART! many of you girly men won't even survive till the end of this guide, so the people out there who are tired of their pitiful selves follow me! To the rest of you boy band rejects go drink some soy milk.
Step 1: Gather Your Supplies!
Fist thing is first! We are going to need some supplies for this journey into manliness. This is a list of the basic essentials you will need for this mission. Individual tastes will change from girl to girl, but you turd biters can figure out the rest on your own. GO OUT AND BUY EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST! I don't care is you already have this stuff go buy more, your gonna need it!
-Plain and unscented is best.
-Mens grooming scissors, they will have a slight curve to the cutting part to make it easier to trim your leg hair.
3. DISPOSABLE RAZOR
- Do not use a straight razor, you too stupid not to hurt yourself.
4. MOUSTACHE WAX
- Needed to tame the monster we are creating. When buying was make sure it is moustache wax, there are a lot of products out there that look like they will work the same way, but they won't.
5. LITTLE COMB
- Often sold with the wax or in a kit with the scissors.
********** NOT SHOWN**********
6. A pack of light bulbs.
Now it is finally time to begin you belated journey into decency! MOVE OUT!
Step 2: Getting Started
First thing is first, replace those dead light bulbs you justin bieber wannabe! Don't even try to lie either, I know you haven't changed out the old bulbs because you didn't want to see you shameful reflection staring back at you. WELL GUESS WHAT SQUID HUMPER! IT'S MAN TIME NOW! Now get your sorry self up a step stool and get those dead bulbs out!
Step 3: TRY HARDER!
LOOK AT THAT!? Can't you losers do anything right? This is what happens when you buy a pack of light bulbs on sale at the dollar store. Now you throw those worthless wastes of glass out and get you sorry self to Wal-Mart like a real Man and buy some real light bulbs.
Step 4: FINALLY!
I wont say that I am proud of you, BECAUSE I'M NOT! All of that work just to replace a light, how do you think you can even try to grow a Manly Moustache if you are this stupid? You make me want to drink shampoo, but since we are busy that can wait till later. Now that your bathroom is properly lit, you can see what kind of disgusting pig you are. GO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS! A Moustache needs a clean and sterile environment in order to grow properly.
Step 5: Let's Do This!
TIME FOR A SHOWER!
Why?...... Because you disgust me, thats why. NOW GO WASH AWAY YOUR SHAME WE ARE GOING TO MAKE A BETTER YOU! Also, the hot water will help soften the bristles of your little girl beard, making it easier to shave. You could use a washcloth soaked with hot water for this step too, just remember to wear a training bra because you are officially a little girl. REAL MEN TAKE SHOWERS now in the water you Martha Stewart stunt doubles. Use some of the soap from step one.
Step 6: The Beginning...
OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Well look at that, you are slightly less of a dissapointment to society. DO NOT DRY OFF, in fact, if you have an air conditioner go turn it on now or shave outside. We will burn all your towels later, soon your Moustache will be all you need to stay warm. now take some more soap and work up a good lather on the parts of your face you want to shave. use soap, it provides a good clean shave, and it lets you see what your doing so that you don't accidentally cut off part of your budding Moustache of Manliness. NO, you can't use shaving cream, only Lady Gaga uses shaving cream. That was a stupid question and you should feel stupid for asking it.
Step 7: Finish Shaving
Finish shaving and rinse away any excess soap. Remember to be very careful and take your time while shaving unless you want to ruin the start of your new Moustache. IF you do actually manage to ruin the rest of you life by cutting off part of your new stash then the only thing you can do is look into Seppuku to reclaim your lost honor. Look at that, nice and smooth.
Step 8: Time for Some Style.
After an eternity of hard work you might have a Moustache half as manly as mine. At this point it becomes a sentient being and requires a lot of care to keep it from killing you in your sleep. The first step to this is combing. You should comb your Moustache every morning and night, 100 brush strokes on each side. This will ensure your Moustache has a nice shiny coat. See that booger in my nose? I am saving that one for later.
Step 9: Adjustments
At this point you almost count as a man with your Moustache. After the combing we need to make some adjustments, so go grab those scissors you forgot about till i mentioned them here. CAREFULLY trim down any uneven or errant hairs. remember, less is more when cutting. You should also try and look psychotic if at all possible. This will scare your Moustache into staying still while you work.
Step 10: Styling
Now it is time to add some style to your stash, and the best way to do this is Moustache wax.
- take a small amount of wax and brush it through your Moustache with your comb.
- moving quickly brush a few times to evenly spread the wax and begin styling
- REMEMBER, less is more here.
- try not to put your fingers or unclean tools directly into the wax, especially if your was came in a tin or jar. Use a clean applicator every time.
Step 11: Advanced Styling.
This is the part where your manly potential is revealed. Much of this is trial and effort on your part. experiment to find what works best for you. I find that applying a small amount of wax to the tip of my pointer finger and thumb is the best way to style. In the pictures I am going for the curled style. Slowly I pull on the outer ends of my Moustache while slowly twisting the hairs together. I find that twisting away from your face with the pointer finger works best. Experimentation is key here. Apply a small amount of wax after the first coat dries for an "all day hold."
Step 12: Final.
Finish things up and pose dramatically while laughing maniacally. This is the sort of thing you should do now. Walk down the street and watch women swoon at your manliness. Congratulations, you are almost manly enough the make me want to take back all the mean things I said earlier. almost.
It should be noted that if any person out there tries to correct my spelling of the word "Moustache" I will travel thought the interwebs and hit them in the face with a rotary phone.