So you want to kill yourself? Is that why you're here? OK, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, I know it can all feel horribly, tremendously wrong. I've been there. I've stared at sharp objects behind fences and wondered what would happen if I were to jump on them and end it all. For about an hour or so at a time. Fun stuff!

Was I the only one who felt this way? The only one who would have such feelings? What can I say, I was a teenager and I thought I was unique. What I was was stuck in a depression that was eating me alive even as I found it to be so comfy in its absoluteness. Fortunately it was a phase that I was able to put behind myself with a conscious effort.

My friend Paul wasn't so lucky. He fought his depression several times over for a couple decades. After a long battle he chose to fight alone, he took his own life. He wasn't the easiest guy to know, but at his best he could make me laugh and think about all sorts of new ideas for hours on end. I still miss Paul even though it's been over 10 years since we last hung out. This Instructable is for him.

Important Note: If you or a friend are considering suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is free and confidential and they know a LOT more about this stuff than I do.

This is published in support of World Suicide Prevention Day.

Passo 1: Don't Talk to Anyone

Certainly the thing that Paul was really good at was shutting people out when times got rough. It was an uncanny ability if you could try to classify it as some sort of a skill.

"So how are you feeling tonight?"
"..."
"Paul?"
"...yeah?"
"You been taking anything?"
"..."
"Goddammit, I'm coming over. Can you get up to to open the door when I get there?"
"I..."
"Good"

These were the bad times. The times when Paul would just shut down. Sometimes there was a slight gap you could try to coax into a minor opening, but other times it would clamp shut right in front of you. I'd swing by his apartment and he'd let me in, or maybe a roommate did, and then I'd talk next to him for an hour or so. The responses were grunts or the occasional word. One time after a session of looking through his DVDs and pretending to talk about movies he said, "I'm not going to get up for a while."
"A while? An hour or so?"
"Long enough"

And I'd try telling jokes or talking about things I liked or even bouncing popcorn off his forehead one time, but nothing worked. When Paul got better he would refuse to talk about his mute sessions. He said he could handle it. He said he his own way. I let it go even though I doubted his way was working all that well. He was surrounded by piles of stuff everywhere I could see.
Post a comment
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Nós temos uma política de comentários em que todos devem ser gentis.
Por favor, seja positivo e construtivo.

suicidaltendacies
suicidaltendacies diz: Set 15, 2014. 2:40 PM

THIS IS BULL FUCKING SHIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN TEACH ME HOW TO KILL MYSELF, WHAT THE FUCk, COME ON, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS SHIT, IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDWAS GAY OR SOME SHIT AND KILLED HIMSELF I THINk, I DIDN'T READ IT ALL. BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING HOW TO HERE TO INSTRUCT ME TO KILL MYSELF, PLEASE EDIT AND RESUBMIT YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGER.

suicidaltendacies
suicidaltendacies diz: Set 15, 2014. 2:40 PM

THIS IS BULL FUCKING SHIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN TEACH ME HOW TO KILL MYSELF, WHAT THE FUCk, COME ON, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS SHIT, IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDWAS GAY OR SOME SHIT AND KILLED HIMSELF I THINk, I DIDN'T READ IT ALL. BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING HOW TO HERE TO INSTRUCT ME TO KILL MYSELF, PLEASE EDIT AND RESUBMIT YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGER.

suicidaltendacies
suicidaltendacies diz: Set 15, 2014. 2:40 PM

THIS IS BULL FUCKING SHIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN TEACH ME HOW TO KILL MYSELF, WHAT THE FUCk, COME ON, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS SHIT, IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDWAS GAY OR SOME SHIT AND KILLED HIMSELF I THINk, I DIDN'T READ IT ALL. BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING HOW TO HERE TO INSTRUCT ME TO KILL MYSELF, PLEASE EDIT AND RESUBMIT YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGER.

suicidaltendacies
suicidaltendacies diz: Set 15, 2014. 2:40 PM

THIS IS BULL FUCKING SHIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN TEACH ME HOW TO KILL MYSELF, WHAT THE FUCk, COME ON, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS SHIT, IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDWAS GAY OR SOME SHIT AND KILLED HIMSELF I THINk, I DIDN'T READ IT ALL. BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING HOW TO HERE TO INSTRUCT ME TO KILL MYSELF, PLEASE EDIT AND RESUBMIT YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGER.

suicidaltendacies
suicidaltendacies diz: Set 15, 2014. 2:40 PM

THIS IS BULL FUCKING SHIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN TEACH ME HOW TO KILL MYSELF, WHAT THE FUCk, COME ON, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS SHIT, IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDWAS GAY OR SOME SHIT AND KILLED HIMSELF I THINk, I DIDN'T READ IT ALL. BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING HOW TO HERE TO INSTRUCT ME TO KILL MYSELF, PLEASE EDIT AND RESUBMIT YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGER.

suicidaltendacies
suicidaltendacies diz: Set 15, 2014. 2:40 PM

THIS IS BULL FUCKING SHIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN TEACH ME HOW TO KILL MYSELF, WHAT THE FUCk, COME ON, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS SHIT, IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDWAS GAY OR SOME SHIT AND KILLED HIMSELF I THINk, I DIDN'T READ IT ALL. BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING HOW TO HERE TO INSTRUCT ME TO KILL MYSELF, PLEASE EDIT AND RESUBMIT YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGER.

suicidaltendacies
suicidaltendacies diz: Set 15, 2014. 2:40 PM

THIS IS BULL FUCKING SHIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN TEACH ME HOW TO KILL MYSELF, WHAT THE FUCk, COME ON, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND THIS SHIT, IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOUR FUCKIN FRIENDWAS GAY OR SOME SHIT AND KILLED HIMSELF I THINk, I DIDN'T READ IT ALL. BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING HOW TO HERE TO INSTRUCT ME TO KILL MYSELF, PLEASE EDIT AND RESUBMIT YOU FUCKING SAND NIGGER.

lolli7777
lolli7777 diz: Ago 22, 2014. 11:04 AM
I too have known many people that have killed themselves and many more, I am sure have thought about it. myself invluded. I used to think about it quite often. How I would do it, where, and the npte I would leave. No foolish attempts for me. It would have to be certain death. There's absolutely no room for error. What if it doesn't work?? What if I end up a vegetable? ( sorry for the expression ) What if my niece found me? The trauma that would do to her would be unbearable, life altering, emotionally scarred. Why would I purposely do that to her. What kind of person would that make me? To not only do that to her but also not be there to wrap my arms around her tight and comfort her. To tell her Im sorry. for making her go through something like that.
When my mother passed away (almost 3 years ago ) I went into a dark place. Still there actually, not sure if I will ever get all the way out. I guess I technically almost did kill myself. Not intentionally though. Alcohol. Ive always drank in the short time I've been on this planet. Especially after my mom died from cancer. She was diagnosed then BAM! 1 1/2 monthes later she was gone. She was my heart. I am no more.
So I drowned in the bottom of my bottle. Swam in it every day, all day. Then my flat dtonach started blowing up. I looked pregnant. I was getting skinnier and skinnier, but not that belly. Everyone asked about due dates, like I was pregnant. I knew I wasn't. I knew something was wrong. The whites of my eyes were VERY clearly yellow and my skin was all splotchy. But kept on rolling steady. Then one day I started to hyperventilate or something. My hubby made me go to the e.r. Turns out I was basically going through liver failure. My urine looked like jaggermeister. Had for quite a while. Dark brown. Scary.
I was 28 yrs old. Spent the whole month of July in the hospital. I was told that if I had not come in for something that simple and then found out what I did, that I'd be dead by the rnd of that year. My liver was 3 1/2 times the size it should be. Luver failure. That explained the massive swelling of the belly, the yellow eyes, splotchy skin, blurred vision, weight loss, the huge amount of blood loss during the one menstrual cycle I had, the unability to eat anything because I couldnt keep it down, the hair loss, just basically everything. I spent over a month in the hospital. With young nurses taking care of me that were my age. Doung something with their lives. While I withered away to about 87 lbs. I kept it from my family as long as I could. It took almost a yesr for my weight to come back. Im ok now, I guess.
But thats life, I suppose. If you've never been close with anyone or even just known anyone who has taken their own life, then take heed to this, you have no idea the effects that your untimely death will have on those people around you. Especially your loved ones. Lets say I did it, and lets say that it planted a seed. A seed that planted itself in the brain of someone you know and grew just a but on the outskirts of their outlook on life. Then it will always be somewhere in there. Even people you may not even think of could be affected in a terrible way because of you. The kid across the street seeing your body being rolled out, your nieces and nephews, some that havent even been born yet. Yes, it will affect
them too. Some wont care too much, some will never be the same filled with utterly devastating sadness and questions for which there will never be answers to and some will always wonder if maybe they should just get it over with too. Then maybe their children will be affected as well.Butterfly effect. I know you may be miserable, but get away from whatever it is that is chewing away at your soul. Tgere is much more out there in the world thst is waiting for you to enjoy. Escape your troubles by changing them with your actions not by just dropping out on life.
nerfrocketeer
nerfrocketeer diz: Ago 13, 2014. 3:10 PM
Didn't you post this already?
nerfrocketeer
nerfrocketeer diz: Ago 13, 2014. 3:12 PM

Oh, never mind, I read below. Great motive and ible (again)! :)

gravityisweak
gravityisweak diz: Ago 13, 2014. 1:11 PM

How did the post date on this article change to today when it is already fairly old?

fungus+amungus
fungus+amungus diz: Ago 13, 2014. 3:07 PM

I had unpublished it for a bit because I needed to reference my projects and didn't want this to be the first thing on the list. Then with suicide being in the news because of Robin Williams I republished it. It used to be that that the old date would still be there.

r-blue
r-blue diz: Ago 13, 2014. 11:36 AM
People need to know that depression can be fought. we don't need any more tragedies in this world.
Good instructable
ckoehler1904
ckoehler1904 diz: Ago 11, 2014. 5:27 PM

Thanks SO much for this instrutible. I have known far too many people who have ended their lives. At one point I seriously considered doing so myself but backed out at the very last minute. That was over 40 years ago. I am so thankful that I chose life for myself. Now I have great 4 kids, have had a wonderful life partner & career, have helped a bunch of people, and two months from now I will be diving the Great Barrier Reef. Life can be good if you just give yourself a chance. Keep hope, no matter what......

MooMeat42
MooMeat42 diz: Jun 5, 2014. 3:26 AM

I really hope no one pressed the I made it button

jkennedy26
jkennedy26 diz: Abr 29, 2014. 9 AM
As to the should'nt have advice.I propose the following:
1.They should'nt have killed themselves.
2.I/we should'nt have ignored the signs.
Wroger-Wroger
Wroger-Wroger diz: Mar 13, 2014. 8:13 AM

I like people who say "OH I am so offended." - like who cares.

Good topic - a change from "doing shit" to "being shit" - or not, as is the case.

mvicknair
mvicknair diz: Fev 12, 2014. 12:41 AM
I gotta say I was about to chew u out for telling ppl how to commit suicide, but then u did the opposite. U helped ppl to know Paul n not do what he did to escape his troubles. Paul, I hope u know how great this guy is for doing this for u n ppl like u who dunno where to turn! RIP, Paul!
jkennedy26
jkennedy26 diz: Fev 5, 2014. 12:11 PM
Amazing that this topic or the title could be offensive here...It's written for those who may be depressed or suicidal.Not to entertain or enlighten...But to reach...TOUCH ! Someone...
If I found the post offensive, I'm sure I wouldn't here scream of a friend,family member lest of all a young child. I believe MY growth comes in addressing what's in my reflection and not on the mirror itself.
jkennedy26
jkennedy26 diz: Fev 5, 2014. 12:12 PM
doh ! Hear
jkennedy26
jkennedy26 diz: Fev 2, 2014. 8:32 AM
Well done fungus, just don't stand to close to the flame. A well written, clearly thought out writing. As to the title...lol well put, "Sex Sells" as it were.
Really glad you didn't climb over the fence.
What's next? another page added? Another topic?

Knowledge is Power,Experience, Understanding and Communication pay the bill.
charlieanderin
charlieanderin diz: Jan 22, 2014. 8:36 AM
You shouldn't have titled it that I didn't like it but I'm sorry for your loss I didn't think suicide was very appropriate
gravityisweak
gravityisweak diz: Ago 13, 2014. 1:09 PM

I feel like it was titled that way so that people who may have been searching for ways to do it, may stumble upon this instructable and read it.

fungus+amungus
fungus+amungus diz: Ago 13, 2014. 3:08 PM

Yes, this is exactly the reason.

JoMoFroBro
JoMoFroBro diz: Jan 1, 2014. 11:27 AM
A very thoughtful post. Well written piece of advice.
tmeade007
tmeade007 diz: Dez 2, 2013. 10:04 PM
RIP Paul
Advar
Advar diz: Nov 15, 2013. 3:12 PM
Duuude... :..(
Sad but thoughtful. Nicely written.
Meloncolic...melenconic... ah hell, sweet & sad, well done.
:)
dmosley2
dmosley2 diz: Nov 12, 2013. 9:07 PM
Sorry about Paul. Excellent post
nancyjohns
nancyjohns diz: Out 28, 2013. 11:20 AM
only once, or twice I thought, "Say, what would it be like if I jumped into that big bunch of spikes?"
sarawelder
sarawelder diz: Set 29, 2013. 8:48 AM
thank you Fungus.
I will read all your other posts with more interest.
I was suicidal many years ago and someone gave me good advice. Just do the one think you get pleasure from even if that means taking a hot bath several times a day. Knowing there is something that makes you feel good reminds you of that emotion and that it is possible to feel pleasure again. This was a beautifully written tribute to your lost friend.
fidgety2
fidgety2 diz: Set 26, 2013. 4:12 PM
It is things like this that instructables was made for helping people help themselves and while many instructables are physical in nature and often cost money to make this one does not cost a dime

Well done and thank you
eorionus
eorionus diz: Set 25, 2013. 5:47 PM
Thanks for sharing fungus. Hopefully this'll get through to the many people that need it!
weldor
weldor diz: Set 25, 2013. 1:38 PM
First and foremost I gotta tell you that your title kind of freaked me out at first as my brother in law committed suicide years ago. I still miss him and think about him alot.

For people on either side of the fence (no pun intended) go on line and look up NAMI. It stands for "National Alliance for Mental Illness". aas far as I know it is only here in the states (if so, it may be time for someone to start one up else where! you know who you are.) They offer support for the family and friends of people who suffer from mental illness. They offer all kinds of classes for the families and friends. For those in recovery they offer what is referred to as "peer support" classes and services.
I speak from experience as a peer. i will be taking the classes. My wife is and instructor for their Family to Family (F2F) program (because of me). The life you save could be your own.
jkrahling
jkrahling diz: Set 23, 2013. 10:23 AM
I just looked at it
CreationBoy-
CreationBoy- diz: Set 23, 2013. 8:46 AM
What the serious hell...
whemken
whemken diz: Set 22, 2013. 7:48 AM
Thank you.
NeilJB
NeilJB diz: Set 16, 2013. 9:38 PM
In Australia:
Beyond Blue, depression advice: www.beyondblue.org.au/‎
Lifeline, 24hr crisis line: 13 11 14
owlart101
owlart101 diz: Set 16, 2013. 3:58 PM
Amazing 'Ible, well thought out and a lot of work put into it. Keep up the good work, I'm glad I actually opened that email I recieved from instructables... :)
kaboo
kaboo diz: Set 15, 2013. 2:25 PM
He obviously couldn't see what a trouper of a pal he had. He will be smiling down on you with pride I'm sure, from a place where he was determined to be xx
ErisUrthDesigns
ErisUrthDesigns diz: Set 15, 2013. 1:21 PM
Thank you for sharing :) It hit home as I am more often Paul, than I am normal.
larrowwood
larrowwood diz: Set 14, 2013. 8:11 PM
RIP Paul. I hope that the author feels better for sharing and others follow his advice.
lukasthewakemaster
lukasthewakemaster diz: Set 14, 2013. 7:30 PM
fungus amungus. Great show.
mdoyle12
mdoyle12 diz: Set 13, 2013. 2:01 PM
Thank you for this. I'm in my seventh decade and still fighting to hold on.
Along the way, many of my friends 'succeeded' in killing themselves. I tried getting help for Janice. I told her counsellor and all the psych people I could find. We all knew she would try again. The last time she had tried, taking bunches of pills, at the last minute, someone saw her, in her car off the road--passed out and 'the damn lady called 911.' This time, everyone knew she was scheming, but she played her cards close to her vest. Couldn't get her forced into protection. She succeeded 15 years ago this month.
However, I can tell you the most important thing for my staying alive. My two adult children. Kids of suicides have a much greater chance of suiciding and I couldn't do that to the ones I most loved.
Jo@samaritans.uk was a great help for me. Unlike US Samaritans, the ones in the UK promised not to call the local police to have me committed.
The third thing that helped me was getting involved in a nonjudgmental, loving group. In my case, it was my local Episcopal church. Volunteer groups often help.
Help someone else. It helped me be someone relied on by others.
obviousgenius
obviousgenius diz: Set 13, 2013. 7:37 AM
The email Instructables.com send out titled this article "How to Save a Life." I liked that title.
Antzy+Carmasaic
Antzy+Carmasaic diz: Set 14, 2013. 11:17 PM
While that is a more positive title, I think the intent is to direct people with suicidal tendencies to get directed here and then be shown the beauty of life. This way if anyone will be searching for 'How to Kill Yourself', they have high chances of being directed here.
obviousgenius
obviousgenius diz: Set 13, 2013. 7:35 AM
Actually, I came here to learn how to save a life, but your Instructable begins with "So you want to kill yourself?" Basically, you lost me at Hello.

Honestly, I'd change the title.
blueangelcat
blueangelcat diz: Set 13, 2013. 5:11 AM
Great instructable! Thanks!
dougbyte
dougbyte diz: Set 12, 2013. 10:59 PM
My best friend succeeded on his first try. 31 years later I still mourn. It's something you never quite get over, and maybe you shouldn't be able to. I've used my experience in a positive way to talk people back from the ledge.

Thanks for the post. It should be shown in every school in America and beyond.
DIYbabe
DIYbabe diz: Set 12, 2013. 10:55 PM
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Paul. Thank you for your kind and unique perspective. Sad to say, after my husband died I really didn't want to live either so this all resonates. I wish that more people could understand that suicide is a permanent solution to what is usually a temporary problem or situation. I healed over time and am much stronger now.
hay_jumper
hay_jumper diz: Set 12, 2013. 9:34 PM
Great job.
ilikecory
ilikecory diz: Set 12, 2013. 8:45 PM
i was 10 . I had no friends, family issues, and many more... I tried twice. I still have the marks. I was doing my third and last time until I had the stupid idea to look up how to kill youself on instructables. This came up. Thank you for saving my life
ilikecory
ilikecory diz: Set 12, 2013. 8:45 PM
i was 10 . I had no friends, family issues, and many more... I tried twice. I still have the marks. I was doing my third and last time until I had the stupid idea to look up how to kill youself on instructables. This came up. Thank you for saving my life
itsablast
itsablast diz: Set 12, 2013. 6:30 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know grief over a friend's suicide can go on forever. In some ways I'm still haunted by the suicide of a friend in 1971. In fact, there've been several suicides of loved ones in my lifetime, including the loss of my divorced spouse in 2007.

I think one of the reasons our emotions linger has to do with wanting a suicide's life to still matter despite how it ended. I want the world to know Bob and Joe once existed, damn it!

Let me suggest you post Paul's information on The Suicide Wall Memorial, a place for remembrance. Everyone reading your instructable and commenting about your post, please do the same. I recently found the website; and adding names to it gave me a new peace. It's a wonderful, perpetual record that our lost people once walked this earth and continue to matter to us.
http://www.suicidememorialwall.com/
bstarling
bstarling diz: Set 12, 2013. 5:58 PM
This is one that needs to be read. I too, lost a friend to depression. So sad, so sad.
valkgurl
valkgurl diz: Set 12, 2013. 5:51 PM
My "link" for this was headed "How to Save A Life" which is a great title but certainly does not convey what is here--altho of course that IS the point--how to SAVE a life.

This is a taboo subject in most places and should not be. Having grown up around depressions fueled by drugs and alcohol I have seen the attempts; the rehab; the paranoia---long before the meth days. And just going to a funny movie won't help. Yes it might amuse but--it probably will not in the long run--help. The chemistry in the brain of depressed people is altered. They NEED to adjust this.

Sadly some of them refuse or feel that the REST of the world "Likes" them medicated and as one put it to me--"Tame". Um--no. What I DO want is someone ALIVE and as functional as they can be. And "Tame" was never what happened when this person stayed ON their meds! We make a lot of jokes about "Oh he or she is off their meds" but----they really CAN help.

Also the talk therapy of old can help--a LOT. Today with the 3 minute MD appointment that has to cover ALL of your life this gets passed by. Maybe the new health insurance here in the States that is meant to HELP people with mental troubles will be able to bring this back.

Another thing you touched on which resonated for me--seeking out those we have lost contact with (for whatever reason) and making NEW contact. I did this as a whim the very first time I used a PC--in the Boston Science Museum!--and found 4 people I had lost touch with. I am SO glad that I did reach out as two of them died within the next year--one keeled over and one had a terminal illness when I located her. To this DAY I cry when I think that I SHOULD have gone against her "wishes" and just showed up at her door---the phone and email were NOT enough. I am pretty sure now that this would have gone better in person than at a distance for people who had once been closer than sisters. And--she had indeed SAVED MY LIFE.

Please expand this and get it published. IF you feel that your story is not booklength--or too much emotionaly for you---I am sure there are other people who have lost a loved one to accident, illness or suicide that would be able to collaborate with you.
CLOGGINGBETTY
CLOGGINGBETTY diz: Set 12, 2013. 5:19 PM
Top rate, well thought out effort to get the word out on how to help people that do not want help. I hope if one of my children were suffering from depression they would have some one help them, however, the person must want help.

My former Daughter-In-Law had horrible problems with depression, her new husband packed her up and insisted her doctor help her. Yes, their marriage survived, she is like a new person and a reasonable person...

I am older, I retain the right to do what is right for me when I am no longer able to function. Nope, people close to me have no idea of my plans. I refuse to talk to my doctor about them. I have choices and I plan on exercising them right to the end of my life.
ccotton1
ccotton1 diz: Set 12, 2013. 4:50 PM
i wish that I hadn't wasted the time to read this. It's not anywhere near stimulation of creativity. It's a sapp of creative curiosity and energy.
I Really appreciate being sucked into your personal funk.
ndeclares+war
ndeclares+war diz: Set 12, 2013. 4:27 PM
Thank you
nalatnoma
nalatnoma diz: Set 12, 2013. 4:05 PM
Great instructable
Byzs
Byzs diz: Set 12, 2013. 3:46 PM
Good advice and sad story, a chill hit all my back when I finished reading it.
celiatrout
celiatrout diz: Set 12, 2013. 3:06 PM
fungus, an excellent 'ible. I love Instructables and am the creative type... of course, yours intrigued me right away. ("WTF?" is what I thought when I saw saw it.) This topic was so unexpected here in this forum, which makes it even greater! Love how you brought your own honest experience and creativity to help fellow humans. Hugs to you~!
korders
korders diz: Set 12, 2013. 2:57 PM
This post deserves an award. You are awesome and must keep getting this message out. Maybe you could publish into a short booklet and leave them for people to read. Thank you to Instructables for choosing this and posting it. I can emphasize enough how important this is and how awesome you are for making this post. Thank you, thank-you, thank-you!!! Don't stop here :-)
kenobi
kenobi diz: Set 12, 2013. 2:23 PM
There is a great book that's pulled a LOT of people out of depressive & even suicidal states. It's called "The Universal Garden of Emuna" by Shalom Arush & Lazer Brody. Lazer's a great dude, doctorate in agriculture, ex special forces soldier & now a great Amerindian wooden flute player & life coach. Shalom was a search & rescue air medic & is phenomenal life coach. They have another book called "The Garden of Gratitude" that teaches how to appreciate what you have.
shyrell
shyrell diz: Set 12, 2013. 2:17 PM
On November 28, 1993, my first born child was murdered by his father-in-law. He was 20. It was also his younger brother's birthday. For years after I thought of every conceivable way to end my misery. Do it this way in this place and no one would find the body. Do it like this and my youngest son would not have to see the mess when he got home from school. Etc., etc., etc... Two things kept me going, knowing God loved me and my knowing I had to hang around to see my youngest grow up and go on his own. I've only admitted these things to my doctor while asking her for medication to cope. Today I have the joy of watching two granddaughters and a grandson grow up. I always feel so bad for those who do not have the strength to make it through just one more day. And yet I understand completely. Thoughts of ending it all still run through my mind, but then I pray and the day gets better. Thank you for a wonderful 'table'.
kabedew
kabedew diz: Set 12, 2013. 11:08 AM
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, Paul. Your instructiable is truly a benefit and an honor to your friend and your own journey towards life.

I have DID, previously known as MPD, and as such have a part of myself that is extremely depressed. So far we have been able to reach out for help when we need it and I expect that will continue. But depression is an illness. But because it is a mental illness it has a lot of stigma attached to it.

I hope we here at instructables can work towards reducing that stigma and encourage those who need help to reach out for it.

As imaginative and creative people, there is a slightly larger possibility that depression can occur. But there is help and we need to seek it when its necessary.

Again, my best wishes to those who miss Paul.

kabedew
kagstrom2100
kagstrom2100 diz: Set 12, 2013. 9:59 AM
Wow, that story was both sad but interesting and good at the same time! A really good story man!
vov35
vov35 diz: Set 12, 2013. 9:24 AM
Yes, call the suicide prevention hotline and have an emergency petition happen. That's where the cops show up with guns and tasers, force their way into your residence, and drag you to a hospital against your will for a psychiatric evaluation. Then you get to be locked in a tiny hospital wing for weeks on end, because that reaaaaally helps with your mental health.

Sorry, but calling those numbers is a bad idea all around because our mental health care system is a P.O.S.
onemoroni1
onemoroni1 diz: Set 12, 2013. 8:54 AM
Things like this need to be said and you have done it well and adapted it to this venue. Unless you have severe depression it is hard to relate to and deal with in others. Again you have put it well from an outside perspective which can be constructive if one is willing to become proactive with their "black dog" affliction.
Leopardstripes
Leopardstripes diz: Set 12, 2013. 8:48 AM
My former husband committed suicide. Thank you for this.
Cyncha227
Cyncha227 diz: Set 12, 2013. 8:04 AM
Thank you Mr. "Amungus", this is a great way to reach people, even catch them off guard, and make them cry and laugh (because you're sweet and funny). I have so much to do, but I would not pass by the Instructables line on "How to kill yourself", or to write and encourage you, and maybe anyone else to reach out to someone. I have knows a couple of people who have committed suicide, and a couple of people who died young who did not. What I learned when I was a teen, and a 20 year old fr,om my friends dying young is that I need to become the best person I can be, to honor them, and to also deal with their deaths. What I learned from having childhood depression is that I don't need to blame myself for it and that Reaching out to others is important. Others may not have the skills to get through their depression. It's also a kind thing to do. You reached out to Paul, and this is good, however sometimes we just can't do anything for someone except extend their life a bit. It's heartbreaking. I feel so bad for Paul and Paul's parents! I am trying to teach my very bright son to deal with life beyond the relatively easy skill of being at the mercy of a quick mind. Life skills matter probably more than a quick mind. The pain of depression is deep, and it is ruthless. A cycle that gets nowhere. Reaching out to others, and reaching out if you are the one with depression is imperative. There is no one size fits all, there is little perfect timing. Depression is hard, it is monotonous, and it is sad. One just needs to be more persistent than the depression, even after one's patience for trying is at it's end. Life will get better. Change is inevitable. Maybe your efforts, Mr. Amungus, will help someone, along with the knowledge there really are kind-hearted people who want to ease the pain of depression.
artmakesmesmile
artmakesmesmile diz: Set 28, 2013. 5:37 AM
Nicely put thank you to Mr Amungus.. which I second.. xx
%3DPK%3D
%3DPK%3D diz: Set 12, 2013. 6:46 AM
Man, at the begining of the story I thaught "what a black sense of humor" but then, everything started to make sense.

I'm dealing with a depression into my family member: my best friend and mate, a.k.a. my wife. Being pregnant and depressed is a hell on earth, but as soon as we begun to ask for help to our beloved relatives, we are much better now. Thank you for you I'ble. It makes more sense now and encourage me to deal better with it. Thank you again.
urban6
urban6 diz: Set 12, 2013. 6:34 AM
Most meaningful Instructable ever! Kudos to you, I know it must have been hard to write this, but I am sure it will help people.
duncan_a
duncan_a diz: Set 12, 2013. 6:04 AM
Probably the best thing I've read on Instructables that didn't feature an Arduino...

I've been there - the total pit of darkness and I've tried the final exit route. It's still there as a demon ready to take me down and that's the problem with depression it's real and the problem has no cure. The tablets help and you learn to spot the signs to up the dose, but it never goes away completely.
Being loved and being able to give love out are, without a doubt, the best 'treatment' available but they're sometimes almost impossibly difficult to find particularly in a foreign country with limited language abilities, as I am.
Tour perspective and insight may help others to touch the Paul in their neighbourhood - I hope so...
Thank you.
LegendofPedro
LegendofPedro diz: Set 12, 2013. 5:43 AM
This is the best Insructable I've ever read. It made me cry for many reasons.
moonchylde
moonchylde diz: Set 11, 2013. 8:57 PM
I really needed to read this. Thank you.
foobear
foobear diz: Set 11, 2013. 7:45 PM
Once I happened to meet a person who was morbidly depressed. She was introduced to a group I was in at the time and her energy of inconsolable grief was pretty tangible. I couldn't even look at her without feeling myself pulled into that black gravity well she was deeply and profoundly centered in. And I sensed right away that there was nothing I could say or do to help this person. People might think I'm insensitive, but the fact is I'm too sensitive and can easily become too aware of the suffering another soul is in. Personally I have never felt suicidal in my life so I can't really relate to it directly. I've always kept my expectations low and had some modest goal I was trying to achieve and every little thing I achieve, I give myself way more credit than i deserve and so forth and keep myself propped up that way. But I like this quote from Julian Assange, which I will take out context, but he said: "Like sailors smelling the breeze, we rarely contemplate how our surface world is propped up from below by darkness." Truth is scary and the darkness is always there and you can spend a lifetime gazing into it trying to heal it or comprehend it or something. I don't want to sound like a New Age Moth, but staying in the light, keeping your focus there, I think that's how most of us survive.
foobear
foobear diz: Set 11, 2013. 7:55 PM
I also want to add that if you aren't getting the love you want or need, you can find little bits of love here and there in life. The friendly postman who smiles and waves at you. The dear old cashier at the store who is always kind. Don't disregard these little glimmers of love that come to you. Such little bits and tokens of good will can sustain you, they really can. Even if you don't get to be with that person of your dreams or whatever it is that has you royally bummed out.
foobear
foobear diz: Set 11, 2013. 10:08 PM
I don't mean to make light of it, but if you are the sort of person that is perpetually depressed - there is a certain validation to be found in goth culture. I always loved how the goth scene ennobles depression as a genuine way of being and even elevates those dark and powerful emotions into the realm of the elegantly beautiful.
qewt
qewt diz: Set 12, 2013. 9:56 AM
I can tell you, I AM that smile. Everywhere I go I give people small boosts. Pick something up for them, compliment on clothing. Greet them although they are strangers to me. Always a friendly word, a smile, a helping hand.
It's pretty exhausting. And in all this time only once did a stranger something equally small but selfless for me (bring back my shopping cart).
I'm so tired of propping up others when I'm in the pit myself.
foobear
foobear diz: Set 12, 2013. 12:23 PM
Definitely take care of yourself first. Healer heal thyself and all that
shotgunshane
shotgunshane diz: Set 11, 2013. 6:25 PM
um, this is a bit strange but ok!
Jentlemen
Jentlemen diz: Set 11, 2013. 6:18 PM
this story took me on a feel trip.
SkinnE
SkinnE diz: Set 12, 2013. 5:15 PM
I cried a little too; from step 4 onwards...

Bravo Fungus. I applaud your effort here. Others have already said better what I'm trying to say here, so I'll leave it at that.
lmsinacola
lmsinacola diz: Set 11, 2013. 2:28 PM
I really enjoyed reading about your Paul, thankyou for sharing his story. You seem to have a wicked sense of humour, I'm sure he savored every moment with you. God bless you xxxx
AnnieMcD
AnnieMcD diz: Set 11, 2013. 2:23 PM
Thank you for this. Not in a good place myself. Have made an appointment to see doctor & counsellor today. Over 30 years of battling my shadows & dark side, my brothers suicide only thing keeping me from death myself. Now have two beautiful girls - teenagers now, but still struggling so hard against the continual temptation to make it all go away. Your perspective as a wonderful friend is a shake up & wake up that I needed. Most of my friends have no idea that I go through this, & husband who I have told occasionally that I'm struggling is not supportive. I'm finally taking that positive reaction today & asking for help - I need it! Paul bless you for these emotive words for your friend. They've been more help than any I've had for a very long time.
quixotiCfluX
quixotiCfluX diz: Set 11, 2013. 2:01 PM
Thank you so much for writing this -ible.
Ninzerbean
Ninzerbean diz: Set 11, 2013. 9:59 AM
What a very valuable 'ible. I hope you will get in touch with Paul's mom again and send her a link. Parents of children who kill themselves think that everyone has forgotten their child because people are just too sensitive to bring them up. My friend's mother told me how much she appreciated my regular contact with her after her daughter, my friend, was gone. She said to me "I had Cecily for 30 years, not a day goes by that I don't think of her." Not talking about a dead person does not help the people left behind. They need to know the things you shared, the stories you can tell them, don't be afraid you will hurt them by talking about their child, they need to know that you miss them too.
lindarose92
lindarose92 diz: Set 11, 2013. 9:52 AM
This is such a wonderful instructable, thank you for writing it! I believe that it will be useful to many people.
And by the way, finding a site like this, that gives you a reason to do what you like doing, is also a step close to the light at the end of the tunnel...at least it was for me :)
brandismells
brandismells diz: Set 11, 2013. 9:31 AM
^ I agree. I lost my best friend who was my boyfriend at the time to suicide 5 years ago and have been in a downward spiral myself ever since. You are a talented writer.
apfeffer
apfeffer diz: Set 11, 2013. 8:20 AM
If you are considering suicide and have not yet seen a medical professional, please do. There's every chance there's a medication out there that can help you through (and beyond) this.
Brightfield+Farm
Brightfield+Farm diz: Set 11, 2013. 8:03 AM
This is wonderful. You're a good man. You were a good friend, too. Don't forget that.
traceur78
traceur78 diz: Set 11, 2013. 6:07 AM
Initially when I saw the title I wanted to report it to the admin team but upon reading the story it only inspires. Thankyou letting us be part of your experience and life. Hope you are going strong and kicking the worlds ass and be awesome at everything you do.

Just a quick foot note: Have you ever thought of writing a book about all the experiences, the highs and the lows of suffering as well as the suffering of your friend Paul? Just a thought.
doofah
doofah diz: Set 11, 2013. 5:35 AM
Paul's life was not in vain, was not pointless and was not without hope. I hope Paul's story, and your own, will show those on a similar path that there is always another chapter, another page to turn, and always some bright, new, potentially earth shattering discovery just around the corner.



As a sufferer of Bi-Polar disorder I know the gaze through the fence at the sharp objects. I know the moment when common-sense steps in and asks you to move away from the edge of the platform before the train becomes too much of a temptation, I know the mute moments, the preferred silence, the 'get out of my world' cold shoulder offered to those who want to help, and the moments of longing, to be like everyone else.



I know we're different, but I don't always know that we're all different, and all the same. I never forget that tomorrow is a new page, a new chapter maybe, and always a new experience - because if there isn't, I'll find one.



Thank you for sharing.
elizruge
elizruge diz: Set 11, 2013. 1:30 AM
jydt wrote a long message and cancelled by mistake. in essence, thank you. i suffer from depression and i appreciate the fact that you took the time to write this. mental illness is serious and shouldn't be stigmatize. this will bring awareness to it.
jaybird77
jaybird77 diz: Set 11, 2013. 12:10 AM
Awesome, thank you for this. Very cool of you fungus.
paganwonder
paganwonder diz: Set 11, 2013. 12:08 AM
Best 'ible EVER! Thanks Fungus
ponderance
ponderance diz: Set 10, 2013. 11:52 PM
Thanks for this. It is lovely.
longwinters
longwinters diz: Set 10, 2013. 11:24 PM
Didn't expect to see this topic here, the expression, suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem has helped me through the dark days.
From personal experience you know when some one offers advise, it comes from personal knowledge or total unframilarity.
mbaumhart
mbaumhart diz: Set 10, 2013. 10:06 PM
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pfred2
pfred2 diz: Set 10, 2013. 10:03 PM
Wow freaky a phone number to a place two blocks from where I used to live and my name is Paul too. I was never a speed freak though. I guess two out of three ain't bad.
dydaying
dydaying diz: Set 10, 2013. 7:15 PM
I was suicidal in my teenage years as well. In fact, I was in the middle of my suicide attempt when my high school's vice principal stopped me. We sat down and had a confidential chat; she was smart enough to not coddle me with her sympathy. Instead of trying to convince me, she allowed me the opportunity to come out of it on my own. It's been 6 years and I have never looked back. Sometimes I wonder what had gotten into me that made me want to take my life. Life is good now, and it will be for what I hope to be many decades to come. Thanks so much for writing such a touching article.
doodlecraft
doodlecraft diz: Set 10, 2013. 6:58 PM
My 11 year old just walked in and said "why are you reading 'how to kill yourself'?" I am glad that if someone is searching that there's a possibility they can find this article and find help. Thanks!
Gunther45
Gunther45 diz: Set 10, 2013. 6:31 PM
" SUICIDE! DON'T DO IT!" - BIG FUN
Agonnazar
Agonnazar diz: Set 10, 2013. 5:13 PM
Wow. That made an impact. Thank you for posting this.
zurichko
zurichko diz: Set 10, 2013. 5:05 PM
What a touching honest tribute to your friend Paul. I hope that this will reach someone who needs it. You are absolutely right, life is so valuable, let's be a little kinder to one another.
belsey
belsey diz: Set 10, 2013. 4:53 PM
This must have been hard to write... nice job, and I hope you get lots of clicks from people searching for the phrase "how to kill yourself." Depression is a disease just like cancer, and just as fatal. Worse in many ways, because it so so misunderstood, it is perceived as something the person can prevent if they only tried ("just snap out of it", "go see a funny movie" etc). It can be hidden right under the surface then come back to get you any time. Also a cancer patient won't push all help away. Even a close friend or a family member can find it impossible to reach someone or their way to rock bottom -- survival instinct kicks in and the friend will need to go up for air.
M.C.+Langer
M.C.+Langer diz: Set 10, 2013. 4:45 PM
Amazing instructable, Ed!

My friend Carolina is psychologist, and she taught me a valuable lesson: suicide is an option you always have at hand. (Unless you are quadriplegic) you always can kill yourself. You have that option over the table, and is easy to take.

So, if suicide is that easy, why don't you wait one day more before commit it? You never know if that extra day is the one where things start to get better. Everytime you have that thought, wait one day more!

And talk with somebody who cares about you. There are weights too heavy for only one person.
GabyLulu
GabyLulu diz: Set 10, 2013. 4:36 PM
Thank you for sharing. Paul would be proud :)
hoffler
hoffler diz: Set 10, 2013. 4:36 PM
Wow.
When I first started to read this I thought "Is this guy for real?"
I kept reading out of curiosity and I'm glad that I did.
For someone who suffers from depression and has survived many attempts at ending all this is wonderful.

I am lucky and have found my joys in life now but to read this and know that there is so much out there for those that are struggling is great.

Thank you so much!
queenofstring
queenofstring diz: Set 10, 2013. 4:35 PM
I hope this makes it to the top of google search. Great job on a hard topic Fungus and a great memorial to your friend.
klevabich
klevabich diz: Set 10, 2013. 4:17 PM
Thank you so much for writing this. As a person who struggles with depression and understands Paul far too well, I appreciate the way you told his story. None of that "oh, just cheer up and do something fun" BS that some people tend to offer up. Well done, sir. Well done.
eblackman1
eblackman1 diz: Set 10, 2013. 3:33 PM
Hopefully that helps some people. Good work brother. Good work.
pfred2
pfred2 diz: Set 10, 2013. 11:56 PM
Change must come from within.
mr1vizio
mr1vizio diz: Set 10, 2013. 3:17 PM
If your fighting depression the best thing to do is surround yourself with people you love and who love you. This way you can see that your love in the world. And if your fighting depression get out of the house see a funny movie or go to the pool and the best thing to do is Smile & Laugh.
RosyRivet
RosyRivet diz: Set 10, 2013. 3:14 PM
Thank you.
rowannicole9
rowannicole9 diz: Set 10, 2013. 2:38 PM
I cried. "You are extremely valuable and people care about you," is one of those phrases that bounces right off of you when you have a wall of depression up, but it's true of everyone. Everyone is valuable, everyone has someone who cares about them. Thank you for posting this.
pfred2
pfred2 diz: Set 10, 2013. 11:52 PM
Yeah you're extremely valuable, you and the other 7.1 billion souls on this planet now. Uh, huh. Most folks start off with people caring about them but just wait a while, they'll disappear, one way, or another. It gets better though, whatever you cherish will fade into obscurity too.

You will see the world you grew to love trampled into dust right before your very eyes as you become an outcast in your own land. But only if you're lucky and live long enough to experience it. Oh joy! One thought will grow in your mind as time marches on, you can never go back to the way things used to be.

Now for a word from our sponsors, Entropy, and Pathos.
TraveltoEstelion
TraveltoEstelion diz: Set 10, 2013. 2:32 PM
Thanks for this, I really believe this has meaning. you're very brave for posting this, it's good that people can learn from Paul's story.
rickharris
rickharris diz: Set 10, 2013. 2:13 PM
If your in this position and in the UK call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90

Don't be alone.
rich_j_l
rich_j_l diz: Set 10, 2013. 2:13 PM
I panicked at first with the title but what a great post! Thanks for sharing :)