Introduction: How to Properly Train Your Dog

Most pet owners will at some point experience a pet with an unbreakable spirit. My first dog wanted nothing more than to obey and learned commands and tricks with ease. My second dog, however, would do no such thing. In this instructable, I'll walk you through exactly how to train your dog to the highest level of etiquette.

Step 1: Assert Yourself

The first step is to assert dominance. Your dog needs to know that you are the owner, master, and rule maker. Calmly explain this to your dog. Use the diagram provided to illustrate the point to your dog. He or she should be reasonable enough for a thorough discussion.

If not, move on to step 2.

Step 2: Get Off My Couch!

Remember buying furniture and how much you loved it? Your dog feels the same way! Explain to him or her how little they contribute, monetarily, and demand an explanation for how they intend to de-funk your furniture. If this does not work, repeatedly ask your pet to "get down" until one or both of you are emotionally exhausted. Go have a beer.

Step 3: Let Me Sing You the Song of My People

Another common need is for your pet to communicate lavatorial needs. We use a device on the inside of an exterior door where the dogs can jingle bells on a strap to alert us of their need to relieve themselves. To implement this, shake the bells vigorously each time you let the dogs out into the yard so that they pair the idea of excretion with jingling. Once this is learned, your pet will use all of its free time, that is to say each moment she isn't drooling on your couch, to play a song consisting of one instrument, played in skull-splitting ostinato. Most of these will be false alarms or pleas for other attention. The first one you ignore for this will be real. Listen to the canorous tune as you clean up your pet's latest bathroom blunder!

Step 4: Give Up

If you've made it to this step, the enemy has won. The house belongs to them now. Your couch? Scoot over, human! Can't hear the tv? Get used to the wonderful sound of canine-struck bells! Your puppy will lavish in the comfort of your pillows. What solace is left for you?

Step 5: Serenity Now

Fret not! You can force your dog to wear clothes! She will sit idly, contemplating all of the poor decisions that got her to this point -- dejected.

Stack toys on her while she sleeps! Your dog will wake up confused and disoriented.

If all else fails, have a toddler show the dog who's boss -- small children love to teethe on a dog's snout.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this instructable, please be sure to like, vote, follow, and check out my other instructables on everything from woodworking to sock puppets. You can also find me on social media:

www.youtube.com/c/michaellawing

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Comments

author
professoroak1 (author)2015-11-18

isn't this a bit mean to the dog?

author
mlawing (author)professoroak12015-11-18

I don't actually intend for anyone to scream at their dog, or have their kid bite the dog either. Thanks for reading.

author
professoroak1 (author)2015-11-18

Nice screenshot of plspetdoge.com

author
mlawing (author)professoroak12015-11-18

Thanks for enlightening me. I'd never heard of that one before.

author
alexnovik (author)2015-11-12

When my dog started to win she was puppy i immediately implemented strategic plan.

I did comunicate with puppy as dog, when she tried to avoid my commands i roar and bark :) It actually works. Now i have very disciplined dog.

author
mlawing (author)alexnovik2015-11-12

That's great! Doing that with either of mine causes them to either lick your face uncontrollably or bark/roo/howl even louder. Thanks for reading!

author
alexnovik (author)mlawing2015-11-12

Do you know that dogs licking other dog's mouth as a sign of accepting his leadership? ;)

author
lucjam (author)2015-11-08

Very cute. Unfortunately, it does remind me of my poodle and myself, though I have not tried the bells yet. He just jumps up on the end of my recliner or stands at the kitchen door and stares at me.

author
mlawing (author)lucjam2015-11-08

Thank you. The bells were a last resort when training our Scottie as a puppy. Our Bichon had no trouble waiting, but the terrier had lots of socialization issues. I do actually recommend them for anyone with a stubborn potty-trainee.

author
shantinath1000 (author)2015-11-08

We too have the jingling bells of madness on our door. Myah rings for going out, she rings for water, she rings for food, she rings if we are up stairs and she wants company and does not want to come upstairs. It does drive use crazy but it is still better than having a LOUD German Shepard barking in the house all the time.

iron dog 2015 1.jpg
author
mlawing (author)shantinath10002015-11-08

Beautiful dog! It's better than a Scottie barking too, but she still barks and roos. Thanks for reading!

author
005727 (author)2015-11-07

I love this simple dog trading advice

author
mlawing (author)0057272015-11-08

Thank you!

author
wm06108 (author)2015-11-07

I ADMIT IT ! my dogs won

author
mlawing (author)wm061082015-11-07

My condolences. Shame them with stuffed animals of clothes! They'll never see it coming!

author
craftdiy (author)2015-11-07

cool! very smart! never thought of it that way!

author
mlawing (author)craftdiy2015-11-07

Thank you!

author
hbridge88 (author)2015-11-07

You are hilarious! And your photos were fantastic!

author
mlawing (author)hbridge882015-11-07

Thank you so much! I had great deal of fun making it. With this muh of a positive response, I'll be sure to do more!

author
drnev made it! (author)2015-11-06

it didnt work,,,,see the below.....

WP_20140831_002.jpg
author
mlawing (author)drnev2015-11-06

Oh no! See step 4!

author
-BALES- (author)2015-11-06

Haha! Great pics and write up Michael.

author
mlawing (author)-BALES-2015-11-06

Thank you, sir! Hope it was good for a laugh!

author
Erika021084 (author)2015-11-06

Awesome!!!!! Well written!

author
mlawing (author)Erika0210842015-11-06

Thank you, kindly!

author
treymartin82 (author)2015-11-06

This was a waste of my time. I am actually LOOKING for how to train my dog. He is to be a service dog.

author
mlawing (author)treymartin822015-11-06

Since I can't tell if you're being serious or writing with the same thickness of sarcasm as my article -- I'm sorry? Service dog training is serious business. I'd suggest the following link, which I found helpful. http://www.anythingpawsable.com/what-are-the-minimum-training-standards-for-a-service-dog/#.Vjz1WXiS5bw

Good luck out there.

author
treymartin82 (author)mlawing2015-11-06

Actually I was serious and thank you for the link! Looking back, I did get a bit of a chuckle. Happy posting!

author
fenderman615 (author)2015-11-06

this has left me feeling as though I just read through 5 acts of Shakespeare

author
mlawing (author)fenderman6152015-11-06

Lol, you're too kind!

author
henry98 (author)2015-11-06

This post is beautiful

author
mlawing (author)henry982015-11-06

Thank you!

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Bio: I'm an IT professional with a master's in library science. I enjoy woodturning, film making, and being frugal. Sometimes I make stuff that ...
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