Introduction: How to Run for President
Do you ever find yourself wondering, "How does a genius like myself become leader of the United States?" Well, today is your lucky day.
Step 1: Get a Website
The first step in any respectable Presidential campaign is to get your very own website complete with pictures, videos, and, of course, a blog to voice your political know-how and slam other candidates. Purchase a cheap domain name and get started.
Be sure to do ALL of the following on your website:
-Misquote the competition
-Include information that is completely irrelevant, but seems impressive
-Make up a completely false history about yourself
-Show yourself being smarter than others
-Dodge ALL questions asked via e-mail or blog comments
-Finally, don't forget to include ads on your website just to show the public that you're actually in it for the money.
Step 2: Swag
Every legitimate candidate has their name on a plethora of bumper stickers, t-shirts, mugs, posters, and anything else you can think of. Thanks to the wonder of 21st century technology, you can be just as legitimate of a candidate as those other guys.
Design a sweet logo, it's best to look as patriotic as possible. Use a site like Cafe Press to put that logo on more useless crap than you can shake a stick at. Include a link to your store on the campaign website and be sure to post pictures of people wearing your shirts.
If possible, get a bunch of t-shirts yourself and give them out at large gatherings. People will go nuts.
Step 3: Include Minorities
Now that you've got some support, it's time to buckle down and show how much you care. Get your picture taken with children, different ethnic groups, and even the elderly!
Show you care by staging photo opportunities with a friend's little brother and take every opportunity to shake hands.
Oh, and don't forget that Presidential smile!
Step 4: Have a Debate
Record a debate against a seemingly respectable person like a doctor, lawyer, politician, etc. Be sure to feature this debate on your website. Using fancy words like "diversify" and "ozone layer" is always good, too.
Don't directly insult your opponent, for example calling your opponent a "poop head" is just a bad idea. Referring to the person you are debating against as "your opponent," though, makes you look pretty awesome.
Step 5: Advertise
Flyers! Yes, flyers - you should make flyers and lots of them. Get creative, no one wants to see another name on the roadside. Encourage your supporters to get your name in unique places. Post a flyer on your website and encourage supporters to post it everywhere.
Here are some ideas of places to put your glorious flyers:
-People's Back Pockets (sketchy)
-Bathroom Stalls (really sketchy)
-Comment Card Boxes
Make a Facebook group! Seriously, if Stephen Colbert can do it, why can't you?
Write a book... well, you could, if you were really ambitious.
Word of Mouth
Tell Everyone! word of mouth is very powerful.
Step 6: Win.
Some may consider this the most important step. I however, believe that it's the journey and not the destination that counts...right? Well, it sounds good, anyway.
And if you don't win, well, at least you have some cool t-shirts with your name on them and a bunch of people in your facebook group.
We have a be nice policy.
Please be positive and constructive.