Introduction: How to Break It to Your Kids That Santa Claus Isn't Real

Picture of How to Break It to Your Kids That Santa Claus Isn't Real

That's it. You're tired of sneaking around the house to hide the presents, telling your child that No, those aren't squirrels in the attic, it's Santa on the roof!, eating the carrots left out for Rudolph (okay, so maybe you still enjoy those cookies for Santa..) and holding your breath every time your kid uses the internet. It's time to let them know the truth. That Santa is fake. A myth. A story. A fraud. Nothing special. Here's how.

Step 1: Method 1: Straight Out

Picture of Method 1: Straight Out

"Listen, Bobby...there's no such thing as Santa Claus. He's not real."
Okay, maybe not the best solution, as it will inevitably end up with crying, shouting, tantrums, a sudden urge for chocolate--er..maybe that's just me. But if it's been long enough, maybe little Bobby will just take it with stride. Reassure Bobby that he is still, in fact, going to receive presents. Once his short attention span takes him back to the television, you are free to sigh with relief.

Step 2: Method 2: the Round-about Way

Picture of Method 2: the Round-about Way

This is where older siblings come in handy. You just get them to do it! Most likely they won't even need bribing for a chance to break their little brother/sister's dreams. This way, you won't have to break it to poor little Bobby. But sadly, you most likely will have to deal with Bobby's whining and complaining afterwards.

Step 3: Method 3: Use Santa

Picture of Method 3: Use Santa

That's right. Use Santa. And by that, I mean, write a letter. From Santa. Muster up your best Santa handwriting (does that exist?) and write a letter explaining to dear Bobby that Santa has just gotten too old and fat to deliver presents anymore, and therefore he will be sending the presents through his parents. Genius, right? Don't forget to mention in a post-script that its a secret, so don't tell anybody! unless you want Bobby to confuse his classmates. And then you can enjoy angry phone calls from irate parents! Whee!

(Okay, so obviously the letters in the pictures don't say what you should write on them. But look! They're signed by Santa!)

Step 4: Method 4: Distractions.

Picture of Method 4: Distractions.

"Good morning, Bobby, Santa'snotreal, Have some cookies."
Bake cookies, buy ice cream, make a cake, whatever. Offer Bobby some food right after you break it to him so he doesn't have time to absorb this breaking news. Kids have short attention spans, right? Oooh, look, cake...

Step 5: Method 5: Wait It Out

Picture of Method 5: Wait It Out

Just wait until Bobby comes up to you someday and asks, "Sammy told me that Santa's not real. Is that true?" Then sit him down and give him an explanation. Refer to Method 1. Don't forget to have an answer prepared for, "But why did you lie to me?" I didn't lie to you, Bobby, I simply let you believe in what you wanted! I still love you! Look, cake.

Step 6: Method 6: Take the Credit.

Picture of Method 6: Take the Credit.

Did you just have a baby? Planning on getting pregnant? Then make sure you raise baby Bobby right from the beginning. Make sure he understands that it's YOU bringing the presents, not that Santa guy. Sit your child down near the tree and greatly emphasize the motion of moving each present under the tree. Strobe lights and disco music are greatly suggested. Bake cookies and shove them all in your mouth while Bobby's watching. Don't forget to mention that all those other kids who believe in Santa are doofuses. Do not mention that you believed in Santa Claus for the first 15 years of your life.

Step 7: Method 6: Avoid It Altogether.

Picture of Method 6: Avoid It Altogether.

No, no, Santa's real, what are you talking about? Ignore what the other kids said, they're bumbleheads. Santa's totally real. Who do you think puts the presents under the tree every year? me? HAHAHAHA of course not.

Don't stop, believing...hold onto that feeling!
Play Journey for a couple days. It'll blow over. Bobby will continue to believe in Santa, and you won't have to deal with it. Phew!

Step 8: Tips and Hints

Picture of Tips and Hints

oh, look, Google had just the picture for me.

- ALWAYS have a backup plan, even if it's only "OH NVM I WAS JK LOOK CHOCOLATE"
- Hint at it a bit, maybe by yelling to your spouse "YOU BOUGHT THE PRESENTS RIGHT?"
- Bake some cookies for yourself. Just in case everything else goes wrong, you'll still have cookies.

That's it! Good luck!

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