Ok, since I'm a woman myself and I know that all the people are different I try and tend to the random, clichee-like type of women. You know the one all the jokes are about. This is my first instructable and english is not my native language, so I hope you'll have mercy. I'll try and share some of the unspoken secrets of women so that hopefully a little of the mystery around us can be solved. The average woman is a strange and very unpredictable being, and sometimes I see some of my friends having trouble with their girls. So I try and give them some insight of the twisted nature of women and sometimes it helps. If you have any helpful comment please feel free to write it down. And if any fair girl reads this and thinks "what the heck" please just consider yourself lucky for not having these problems.
In my relationship I've learned that talking to each other is mighty important and can lead to all sorts of improvements.
And one more thing: I repeat, there are all kind of women, so the hints I give may or may not work with your girl. Please don't be dissappointed if it didn't work.
In my relationship I've learned that talking to each other is mighty important and can lead to all sorts of improvements.
And one more thing: I repeat, there are all kind of women, so the hints I give may or may not work with your girl. Please don't be dissappointed if it didn't work.
Step 1: Women are spiders
Often you see a woman freaking out about a tiny little itsybitsy spider wich is lost in the bathroom. Well, maybe she's just embarrased to see her own reflection in that small animal. Women tend to weave a (social) net to catch different sorts of prey. Men are the prey that get often caught in such a net - and sometimes they're gobbled up after mating, or in other terms, used and thrown away.
When you get to know a "normal" woman, you immediately get caught in the net. If you have a girlfriend of your own, you will be observed by Miss Spider. If your'e gay and consider yourself lucky for having a boyfriend, you'll still be observed but you are much more safe. If you want Miss spider to be your girl, well, you'll have to go deeper into the net...
There are murderously cunning traps in it and you have to be very careful, since, the deeper you get in, the difficult it will be to get out. That is, if you can get out.
When you get to know a "normal" woman, you immediately get caught in the net. If you have a girlfriend of your own, you will be observed by Miss Spider. If your'e gay and consider yourself lucky for having a boyfriend, you'll still be observed but you are much more safe. If you want Miss spider to be your girl, well, you'll have to go deeper into the net...
There are murderously cunning traps in it and you have to be very careful, since, the deeper you get in, the difficult it will be to get out. That is, if you can get out.
Step 2: Women never grow up
Normally, a little kid grows up, makes a living and may or may not enjoy life until its end. The thing with women is, no matter how old they are, they're still little girls. So if you want to reason with women and get responses like "No, I'm right and that's just because, and you are just a stupid guy who thinks with his .... and you don't understand me!" please do not try to reason with her as you would with an adult. You're dealing with a little girl here. When your girl becomes as unreasonable as is described here, you cannot do much. Just let her be, leave the room, go make some cake or ride your bike for the next two hours (take your cellphone with you). Most important: do not give in! When a little girl begins to cry loudly at a supermarket and the embarassed mother buys her a pony, it will be stored in the childs memory for ever. She will try the trick more and more, till someone shows her the limit. You have to be the limit!
Don't be nasty about it though, you have the father's role in this case. Yust say no, as a dad would do.
Don't be nasty about it though, you have the father's role in this case. Yust say no, as a dad would do.
Step 3: The big war
Women are often considered to be "the fair sex", but that also inclines the weak sex which makes men the strong one. Well, that's just a phrase old men like to say, but sometimes women can get really upset about this. I'll tell you why.
You all know that once (around the middle ages, renaissance and baroque) women were either noble and playing princess all day or, more often not noble and working all day. When time moved on and we reach 1800 - 1900, women were either married to some rich guy and playing princess all day or had to work all day. When 1960 appeared, the "big war of feminism" as I call it was started and for men and women all hell broke loose. Suddenly everything was upside down, women tried to become men, men didn't know what to make of it, children were totally confused and the elderly people just couldn't find any sense in the world anymore. Well, luckily I wasn't born that day, so I can try and look from a distance on it.
The big war was surely a needed and good thing (ironic sentence, isn't it), but what many women are not aware of is, that the war is over. We won. End of story. Lets look at what is left: Some things are still not right, that's true. In some parts of the world, women are still supressed in many ways. But these are single combats which do not belong to your relationship. Still, when women have no more arguments I often hear them refer to the war, and that they are in some way supressed. Bringing the woe of the world inside their own home and social relationship is just plain unfair.
When this happens, dear men, you have lost by being cheated out of the game. You become the epitome of all the unright men in all time and history have done to women. So if this happens - do not reason, do not freak out, do not hit her. Just leave the room. You cannot fight a cannon with a slingshot.
Another thing that the war has left us women is a whole lot of confusion about who we are. Some of this will be reviewd in the next part. Since our mothers told us that they didn't "burn their underwear so that we can marry the next best oaf", women are highly suspicious about men. Again, dear men, this is not your fault, it's a part of complicated education us girls grew up with. So, women must choose to be either a mom (lifegiver), a careergirl (warrior), or maybe both, which is very difficult. Not only must she reason with herself and her maybe unfulfilled wishes, but also compete with the other girls. Being a great mom cannot give a woman satisfaction if she sees a sucsessful careergirl, because she will wish for what she has not.
If she starts to complain about such things, you loose again. You cannot change her life upside down in 10 seconds (or if you can, write an instructable ^^), and she will have to accept that. Again, you can not win this when she unloads her misery upon you. All that you will say will be bad, all that you can give her will be worse. Leave her alone for a while till she wants the old stuff back.
If she cries for a change, you can try to make one attempt to help her: hand her a piece of paper and a pen (and some coffee) and tell her to write down all the things she wants to change. In this way you may be able to work something out. This is important because if nothing changes over years, your girl may get bored out of her mind and again, wish for something (or someone) she doesn't have. So be careful at this part and take her serious.
You all know that once (around the middle ages, renaissance and baroque) women were either noble and playing princess all day or, more often not noble and working all day. When time moved on and we reach 1800 - 1900, women were either married to some rich guy and playing princess all day or had to work all day. When 1960 appeared, the "big war of feminism" as I call it was started and for men and women all hell broke loose. Suddenly everything was upside down, women tried to become men, men didn't know what to make of it, children were totally confused and the elderly people just couldn't find any sense in the world anymore. Well, luckily I wasn't born that day, so I can try and look from a distance on it.
The big war was surely a needed and good thing (ironic sentence, isn't it), but what many women are not aware of is, that the war is over. We won. End of story. Lets look at what is left: Some things are still not right, that's true. In some parts of the world, women are still supressed in many ways. But these are single combats which do not belong to your relationship. Still, when women have no more arguments I often hear them refer to the war, and that they are in some way supressed. Bringing the woe of the world inside their own home and social relationship is just plain unfair.
When this happens, dear men, you have lost by being cheated out of the game. You become the epitome of all the unright men in all time and history have done to women. So if this happens - do not reason, do not freak out, do not hit her. Just leave the room. You cannot fight a cannon with a slingshot.
Another thing that the war has left us women is a whole lot of confusion about who we are. Some of this will be reviewd in the next part. Since our mothers told us that they didn't "burn their underwear so that we can marry the next best oaf", women are highly suspicious about men. Again, dear men, this is not your fault, it's a part of complicated education us girls grew up with. So, women must choose to be either a mom (lifegiver), a careergirl (warrior), or maybe both, which is very difficult. Not only must she reason with herself and her maybe unfulfilled wishes, but also compete with the other girls. Being a great mom cannot give a woman satisfaction if she sees a sucsessful careergirl, because she will wish for what she has not.
If she starts to complain about such things, you loose again. You cannot change her life upside down in 10 seconds (or if you can, write an instructable ^^), and she will have to accept that. Again, you can not win this when she unloads her misery upon you. All that you will say will be bad, all that you can give her will be worse. Leave her alone for a while till she wants the old stuff back.
If she cries for a change, you can try to make one attempt to help her: hand her a piece of paper and a pen (and some coffee) and tell her to write down all the things she wants to change. In this way you may be able to work something out. This is important because if nothing changes over years, your girl may get bored out of her mind and again, wish for something (or someone) she doesn't have. So be careful at this part and take her serious.
Step 4: Commercials are poison
I never watch TV but still I'm being influenced by commercials and fashionstuff. It all starts with a Barbie doll, with music bands, movies, Mickey Mouse, all the things wich influence us as little girls up till teens. They "tell" us how to be. Either we believe them or not. Most women believe them. Why not, they're our friends, our beloved toys, right? Nope. But alas, it's too late now. And besides, giving your little daughter no Barbie will make her cry, so you better do it. ^^
But back to the bigger girls. We have been influenced all our lives and it is naive to think that it all didn't work in our case. The game goes on, we see models, we see successful women, we see we see we see - thus, we want.
A simple example: I have brown hair, and I can colour it all the way I want, the original colour will always be brown and it will always grow back that way. Now, I think that blonde or reds are generally always 20% more beautiful. Maybe they are good looking, maybe I'm really beautiful - that doesn't matter. I, as a woman, wish for what I do not have.
So in short: Women are affected by commercials even if they say they aren't. Some can get along with it, but many can not. For a woman, every other woman, who is kinda normal-good looking by the standard (commercial standard) is competition.
As a man never ever tell her that some other girl is good looking. Even if she will smile and nod, it will stick in her head like a poisoned dart and it will poison her thoughts. After years and decades suddenly, when you're not expecting it, she will cry "you like her better than me, you always did!". So be careful, this is a trap, don't step into it. But, if you just shut your mouth, she will make her own selections - probably of her best friends - of whom she'll think you may like. So the best way to avoid this trap is to tell her straight that you do not want to step on the pressure plate because you can see the spiked rock hanging above it. When forced to telling a name, hide herself in it. For example tell her: I like Emma Peel, but she should have your legs.
Or put her into another disguise, if you like furrys for example, say: I'd love you with a fox tail attached. (Don't do that if you're going to laugh at her if she does show up with some old rag at her back)
But back to the bigger girls. We have been influenced all our lives and it is naive to think that it all didn't work in our case. The game goes on, we see models, we see successful women, we see we see we see - thus, we want.
A simple example: I have brown hair, and I can colour it all the way I want, the original colour will always be brown and it will always grow back that way. Now, I think that blonde or reds are generally always 20% more beautiful. Maybe they are good looking, maybe I'm really beautiful - that doesn't matter. I, as a woman, wish for what I do not have.
So in short: Women are affected by commercials even if they say they aren't. Some can get along with it, but many can not. For a woman, every other woman, who is kinda normal-good looking by the standard (commercial standard) is competition.
As a man never ever tell her that some other girl is good looking. Even if she will smile and nod, it will stick in her head like a poisoned dart and it will poison her thoughts. After years and decades suddenly, when you're not expecting it, she will cry "you like her better than me, you always did!". So be careful, this is a trap, don't step into it. But, if you just shut your mouth, she will make her own selections - probably of her best friends - of whom she'll think you may like. So the best way to avoid this trap is to tell her straight that you do not want to step on the pressure plate because you can see the spiked rock hanging above it. When forced to telling a name, hide herself in it. For example tell her: I like Emma Peel, but she should have your legs.
Or put her into another disguise, if you like furrys for example, say: I'd love you with a fox tail attached. (Don't do that if you're going to laugh at her if she does show up with some old rag at her back)
Step 5: Women are bad liars
Man "What's wrong?"
Woman "Nothing..." <- nope, Chuck Testa! There is something wrong and you're as good as dead and stuffed by the old man.
Well, what to do in such a case? You have many choiches here:
1. Ask again (repeat).
This will give you either the answer or a nervous breakdown. Maybe you should not overdo this option.
2. Grab and shake her.
Funny way I saw once to solve this problem. The girl was so surprised that she began to laugh and forgot her problem. But it can go terribly wrong, please consider this. Either you'll have the situation loosened up or again the nervous breakdown paired with some scratches in your face.
3. Make something funny.
This is the safer way of option 2, either it will work or it will not. Your chance is 50 - 50.
4. Bake a cake.
When you leave the room to make something delicious (or other great things you're good at) she'll either come looking what you do, or sit in her misery.
- If she chooses to sit there, leave her be, but do not sit with her. The most popular way to handle bad mood as a woman is by spreading it.
- Should she come looking, ignore her, don't talk until she feels ready to talk. Just dance around and make food silently, show her that it is more fun to be happy. Not talking is the important part here, because she'll not want to hear your voice. If you say something, she will make it sound offensive to herself, so remain silent.
5. Should you really have done something wrong (you too are only human after all), and you have an idea what it could be, write it down and hand her the note. Again, do not speak until she feels ready to speak. A friend of mine once wrote something like:
"What I have done - left the toiletseat up - washed my car instead of making breakfast - killed your mood yesterday - please enter your own.
What you can do about it - sit around and feeling miserable or just hit me and we'll have some coffie. Please make your choice until I come back."
He left the room for half an hour and when he came back they talked about it all.
Woman "Nothing..." <- nope, Chuck Testa! There is something wrong and you're as good as dead and stuffed by the old man.
Well, what to do in such a case? You have many choiches here:
1. Ask again (repeat).
This will give you either the answer or a nervous breakdown. Maybe you should not overdo this option.
2. Grab and shake her.
Funny way I saw once to solve this problem. The girl was so surprised that she began to laugh and forgot her problem. But it can go terribly wrong, please consider this. Either you'll have the situation loosened up or again the nervous breakdown paired with some scratches in your face.
3. Make something funny.
This is the safer way of option 2, either it will work or it will not. Your chance is 50 - 50.
4. Bake a cake.
When you leave the room to make something delicious (or other great things you're good at) she'll either come looking what you do, or sit in her misery.
- If she chooses to sit there, leave her be, but do not sit with her. The most popular way to handle bad mood as a woman is by spreading it.
- Should she come looking, ignore her, don't talk until she feels ready to talk. Just dance around and make food silently, show her that it is more fun to be happy. Not talking is the important part here, because she'll not want to hear your voice. If you say something, she will make it sound offensive to herself, so remain silent.
5. Should you really have done something wrong (you too are only human after all), and you have an idea what it could be, write it down and hand her the note. Again, do not speak until she feels ready to speak. A friend of mine once wrote something like:
"What I have done - left the toiletseat up - washed my car instead of making breakfast - killed your mood yesterday - please enter your own.
What you can do about it - sit around and feeling miserable or just hit me and we'll have some coffie. Please make your choice until I come back."
He left the room for half an hour and when he came back they talked about it all.
Step 6: Fighting the red wave of agony
Well, once a month... you know. We cannot do anything against it, neither can you. Each woman handles this her own way. Best thing is to ask her before it happens, what she wants and what not.
Step 7: Captain sensible or King Kong?
Women often say they want a sensible man who understands their feelings and listen to their problems. Someone to look after the children, someone who loves and adores her and helps in the household. Well, often you see those women run away with some hotblooded bloke, who gives a ... about her personality. Strange? No, just a misunderstanding.
Of course she wants you to love her true inner self and help around the house, but don't become her lapdog. Never let her rule over you (likewise do not rule over her), you're supposed to be a team, not a monarchy. So what is the best middleway between Captain sensible and King Kong?
It's the Gentleman.
Be manly enought for her to play a little princess, but don't become being used and eaten by Miss Spider.
Some old men's rules of chivalry can be of use today, but again, don't overdo it. Here's some examples:
Hold the door for her, but refuse to carry more than two shopping bags (with her clothes in it, I'm not talking about food 'n' stuff).
Make a compliment once in a while, but don't tell her every day how awesome she is, she'll get suspicious and think you're feeling guilty for something.
Make a small present once in a while (flower, candy, eating out), but not too often (see above why).
Of course she wants you to love her true inner self and help around the house, but don't become her lapdog. Never let her rule over you (likewise do not rule over her), you're supposed to be a team, not a monarchy. So what is the best middleway between Captain sensible and King Kong?
It's the Gentleman.
Be manly enought for her to play a little princess, but don't become being used and eaten by Miss Spider.
Some old men's rules of chivalry can be of use today, but again, don't overdo it. Here's some examples:
Hold the door for her, but refuse to carry more than two shopping bags (with her clothes in it, I'm not talking about food 'n' stuff).
Make a compliment once in a while, but don't tell her every day how awesome she is, she'll get suspicious and think you're feeling guilty for something.
Make a small present once in a while (flower, candy, eating out), but not too often (see above why).
Step 8: At last some general hints
I once saw a meme on the internet wich was about a grand idea: When your girl comes crying about you having forgotten what day it is, you can have a very very well hidden box full of emergency presents, in case you really forgot something. Be sure to hide it in the best way possible, she'll freak out if she finds this.
When you're going to a party/meeting/work/varsity/etc without her, she'll probably think you're having fun with at least 10 other girls, so take a camera with you and take some pictures to show her afterwards. Be sure not to make it an inquisitional hearing, just show her the pics for fun.
If she wants to talk about something, just be a man and stand it through. Take her seriously, it is important to her. Again, don't give in to everything. But be grateful that she talks about her needs instead of moping to herself without you knowing.
If it's all too much trouble, try a boyfriend, they're nice and easy...
Pictures: Coka Cola, Marvel, Bioshock, Xena, Marlene Dietrich, Shining, The Avengers
When you're going to a party/meeting/work/varsity/etc without her, she'll probably think you're having fun with at least 10 other girls, so take a camera with you and take some pictures to show her afterwards. Be sure not to make it an inquisitional hearing, just show her the pics for fun.
If she wants to talk about something, just be a man and stand it through. Take her seriously, it is important to her. Again, don't give in to everything. But be grateful that she talks about her needs instead of moping to herself without you knowing.
If it's all too much trouble, try a boyfriend, they're nice and easy...
Pictures: Coka Cola, Marvel, Bioshock, Xena, Marlene Dietrich, Shining, The Avengers
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So he made Arthur drink a poison that would kill him within a year. If however Arthur could answer a very difficult question then the monarch would give Arthur the antidote to spare his life. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would die.
The question was: "WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she exacted. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
"WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS IS TO BE ABLE TO BE IN CHARGE OF HER OWN LIFE !"
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him the antidote.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached:
Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), that half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which form would he want her to be during the day and which form during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to the world, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?...Or...would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Because is it not what every woman wants? To be in charge of her own life?
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THIS STORY ?!
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb.
Underneath it all... she's still a witch!
Get yourself a 'blog somewhere if you like writing this stuff on the internet.
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The author obviously spent ages on it but has no other feedback.
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This will be launching fireworks in November (a current project)
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