How to lie to authority figures

Lying to authority figures is something I have gotten good at over the years. These steps are what I do to keep out of trouble. This is going to take some practice before you get it right for yourself. This isn't something you can learn overnight, but if you get good at it, it will save your neck in the end.

Step 1 Stay Calm

Remember, you're innocent even if you're not. You have nothing to worry about.

It helps to convince yourself that you are telling the truth to begin with. You can not be lying if you don't think you're lying. You might be delusional, but that doesn't matter since you have convinced yourself you are telling the truth.

Comments

[ayelvington]

OK, you need help. Lying is never a good option. Even a partial truth is safer. Secondly, lying never (read my lips: never) ends up making things better. It sounds like your life is circling the drain, so get help

[pbossum]

There are plenty of authority figures you are going to need to lie to in order to walk out of school with good grades and intact mental health.

At least if you are not very lucky with your teachers.

[wenpherd]

what if your lying to save somones life.

[Vaxinius]

This article is very specific, i think we all know its not a good idea to make a habit of lying in our daily lives. I rest my case on the first picture of this article which is really the type of scenario w1 is referring to. Would you really tell a nazi officer that you hid a radio from their inspectors? Of course not, you'd get your peepee slapped in a seriously bad way.

[dla888]

A nazi would shoot you!

[DeusExMach]

How can something be a partial truth?

[Frank H.]

Otherwise known as a white lie.

The White Lie:
Parent: Where did you go?
You: To the park.
Parent: What did you do?
You: Skipped rocks with my fellows, etc...

The Truth:
You went to the park to smoke weed with your bros and you guys thought it would be hilarious to throw rocks at ducks.

That was a hypothetical situation conceived as I wrote it. Oh, it seems I'm replying to a post from 3 years ago. How's about that.

[Mirime]

Ok the one day my mom asked me if i had seen a certian object of my sister i said nope wich was true but tecnicly i was to looking out for it so i sort of lied but still to the truth

or this from grandma

her sister called(sister loved to talk for a long time) grandma told mom to put a potato in the oven so after 10 mins. grandma told her sister that she had something in the oven and needed to go.

[CrackWilding]

You're either Colonel Sanders or a liar yourself. Which is it?

[shmacky26]

That guy made me so hungry for chicken.

[Weissensteinburg]

Of course you would say that. When someone is good at lying, you don't know it. Therefore, it's impossible to tell whether or not what made things better was a lie.

[randofo]

I challenge you to show me one person who is truthful 100% of the time. Anyone who claims they don't lie is the biggest liar of them all. Like it or not, we all lie. Also, a partial truth is a lie. You are still making a false statement. You wouldn't tell your wife you only partially lied about cheating on her. A false or misleading statement is a false or misleading statement, no matter how much truth you inject into it.

[Yerboogieman]

what if its like, your talking to your friend and he asks if you smoke sheesha and you say i cant say whether i do or don't.

[benthekahn]

true...

[cprocjr]

actually lying does sometimes make things better, but most of the time your right it and it does make it worse.

[zachninme]

*cough*
w1n5t0n's instructables have nothing to do with Cory Doctrow's new book, Little Brother.

[Chouette2011]

ZOMG no way ha ha he links to his Instructables account on the first page of the book.

[Tool Using Animal]

Really? I'll have to spend some time reading it. Is it any good?

[whatsisface]

It's alright, although targeted at a younger demographic than yourself.

[spyguy99]

Its very good. He came to my school and I got a signed copy. :)

[spyguy99]

Exactly. No relation at all, unless we start seeing Instructables from m1k3y. *eyeshift*

[Labot2001]

I do agree with you. But just to clear things up, the user who wrote this instructable isn't actually a real person; he's based on a character in a particular book.

Just to clear things up =]

[Quickeagle]

what? lying has always helped me, even in small things that don't seem worth lying about.

[Plo Koon]

my ears always turn red. i guess i'll just have to wear a stocking cap while i lie through my teeth.....

[ilpug]

for all the people who say that lying is bad, i present you with the time honored maxim: ITS ONLY BAD IF YOU GET CAUGHT. i assume this will be taken as trollbait, but i had to say it.

[Skai]

This girl scout gots it down. I think that this step would be the best utilized if you use flash cards (not the techie ones, the ones you made back in school ,duke) . Flash cards, when practiced regularly, allows you to memorize even the most skillfully intricate and brilliant lies. You are then able to say them quickly on the flip of a dime to anyone, so that the pace of the lie you are saying is natural, as it has no interruptions (that obviously are for thinking of what to come up with!). Also, it then becomes just a matter of how you act out your lie, what your demeanor is. You can focus on that after making some cards. Here's a nice instructable for making easy to read flash cards : http://www.instructables.com/id/How-To-Make-Flash-Cards-The-Fast-Easy-and-Right/

[ilpug]

This is a good idea. One thing to note, however, is that over extensive questioning a persons's story should change in minor but detectable ways if they are telling the truth. This is because someone who is actually telling the truth is more relaxed, and less focused, so they screw up a little bit. The surest way to be caught as a liar is to keep your story the exact same at every retelling. All you need to do is to change the wording of your story slightly at each retelling, or maybe change some obvious but unimportant details.

[Skai]

Hahahaha maybe like that old mountain dew or some song like that, i got you. That's pretty cool that the effect of looking at someone's left ear-kinda-in-that-area will make em think that you are looking them right in the eye. Where'd you get that from? I'd like to try it out. Maybe a good suggestion to people who really have something important to keep a secret from the authorities should practice on friends or comrades-in-arms and ask them if it looks like you are looking them in the eye. I guess it would be a whole lot less nerve-racking to not actually look into someone's eyes while lying. They can be pretty scary eyes. Also, maybe you can tell your friends that hey for today I'm going to be lying to you a lot, but you're not going to know (like that game two truths and a lie) , and I'm going to see if you can catch me. Ask them if they notice any physical tics. Maybe catch it on video. Do it in the mirror, like politicians do. WHATEVER! I'm thinking if it's as important as some of the lies they got to maintain, then...

[Mirime]

Learned the left ear trick in public presentaions never belived in what i was saying but got about 40-60 bucks for it

[Outmodeduser]

I dont know, my friends very athiestic, and I always ask him, "Why bother then?" Evolution is proven, we know that. But I like to believe there is SOMETHING (aka God) out there.

[ncaplan]

not every aspect of evolution is proven. it remains to be called the Theory of Evolution. you can't test it on all angles. aspects of it are certainly true which no religious person (that I know) would argue on. antibodies in our bodies evolve, but is that a proof we came from monkey's?

[charlsncharg]

 because to some people being as close to the truth as we believe it is more important that being comfortable

[ilpug]

What about the Theory of God?

[yogurtofdeath]

(removed by author or community request)

[willilenium1121]

How is this a perfect example of a liar? Evolution is indeed a fact with evidence. Can you show me evidence of god? He isn't wrong with "life has no meaning" its his own belief like god which makes its true for those who believe. You cannot tell me money is not everything in this world. Sure some things can't be bought with money but without it your a dead man walking. unless your a bum in a shelter.

[Ironfounderson]

Ahem.....the facts in the photo are all labeled as lies. Therefore, yogurtofdeath is calling the fellow in the pic a liar for saying these bits of information are untrue.

[Skai]

Mm. well said

[jordanf1313]

this picture.....i dont get it.   is it a ride?  lol, wtf

[Karletto555]

few years ago a cop stopped me for road check.
"where are you driving to?" he asked.
"iam just driving around" i said.
He looked a bid angry because of the answer but in matter of seconds he let me go.

[A good name]

That's just more likely to make you relax and forget your story.