1. Go on Ebay and search for vintage cloth Kewpie Doll faces.
2. Find clown ones. OOooh extra creepy.
3. Buy one before you go to bed.
4. When you wake up in the morning decide that you need to have another and buy one.
5. Think for a few minutes before deciding that you can’t live knowing there is yet another one out there in the world, and then buy the last one.
6. After all that, have the balls to ask the seller to combine shipping for your creepy clown faces. You did them a favor anyways. Those things were just scaring the crap out of them.
7. Your bodyguard suggests that you need to have the bear make sounds so you make a trip to Radioshack and order little digital sound devices with buttons.
Step 1: Girth Height of Bear
9. Take your preferred roll of toilet paper and measure around its girth. That’s right. I said "girth". It can actually be used in civilized conversation.
10. Take that measurement and divide it by 2 and add 2 inches to it. That’s how WIDE each side of your bear should be.
11. Figure out how TALL your bear should be. It should be at least as tall as the roll of toilet paper with enough room for the sound device and it’s arms.
Step 2: CLAWS. Form.
13. Take craft foam scraps and trace the roll of toilet paper on it and cut out the circle. Take the battery and trace it and cut out the shape for the battery.
14. Draw a bear shape on a piece of paper as wide as the measurement in step 10 and as tall as the measurement in step 11. It will kind of look like a ginger bread bear. Cut off the head of the pattern, put it on a scrap of fun fur folded in half with the nap pointing downwards and cut two pieces. IMPORTANT: add ½ inch at the neck for a seam allowance. Sorry if this isn’t making sense, perhaps you should rethink your recreational drug habits (see step 9).
Step 3: Kewpie Face
16. Put the two pieces of fun fur, fur facing inwards and sew around the edges LEAVING THE NECK OPEN.
17. Cut a hole in the face side big enough to put the kewpie face in without pushing all the way through. Turn head right side out. Put a line of acid free glue around the edge of the kewpie face and carefully put inside of the bear head facing the hole. Push the edges of the hole down around the face and press down to adhere the edges of the fur to the face. Set aside.
Step 4: Bear Body Construction and RANT About the Globalization of Labor and Our Society's Stupid Notions About the Value of a Person's Labor.
19. With the body inside out and the bear head rightside out, put the bear head inside of the body with the contrast pieces facing each other. The bear’s face should be looking at the contrast tummy piece. Sew them together. Turn right side out. Set aside.
RANT RANT RANT: OH and if you think this is boring or hard to understand and you're in some high paid white collar tech job maybe you should remember THIS the next time you're trying to talk some LOCAL artist down on their prices because you're spoiled by China's cheap labor. Gee what's it going to be like when we start outsourcing engineering to china and india more??? What? You think you're skilled labor??? IT'S ALL SKILLED LABOR F**&ER!!!! WE ALL DESERVE A LIVING WAGE AND JUST BECAUSE CURRENT SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS MAKE IT SO YOU ARE PAID MORE DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE BETTER. EVERYONE F$%#ING WEARS CLOTHES. NOT EVERYONE USES APPLE/TWITTER/ZYNGA/GOOGLE SO SCREW YOU KLOWN. Sorry if you feel this doesn't apply to you. Not sorry.
Step 5: Claws, Arm and Body Support Sound Etc.
21. Find a thick piece of scrap paper tube (I used a tube from a roll of fabric) or a dowel and cut it to the height of the bear. Tape it to the round piece of foam kind of towards the back kinda. It’s not an exact science. You’re basically making a form to hold the shape of the bear.
22. Record the sound that you want the bear to have. Read the instructions. I cut the recording button off and shorted and deleted my recording. I had to put the two wires for the recording on switch together and record it again and again while trying not to breathe or laugh. Should be easy for you if you’re an Engineer. As a kid when you weren’t burning ants with a magnifying glass you made your own electronics. GOOD LUCK A$$*%LE. ☺
23. Tape the bear claws onto the paper tube at the correct height. Glue the button to the form of the paw. Lightly stuff the bear with scraps of fabric, stuffing, foam, glow webbing from the Halloween store, cat fur, whatever, leaving enough room for the toilet paper and the tube and the round foam piece.
Step 6: Start Forming the Bear
25. Glue the fur around the foam circle. Tuck the battery in. Tuck the edges of the fun fur back in around the paws and glue and hand sew it to show off the claws being careful NOT to put too much fabric over the buttons.
Step 7: Finishing Touches
27. Shove the roll of toilet paper into the bear cavity and write a thank you card for all the years you wasted with your crazy future ex husband.
GO TO SPEAKEASILY's Facebook Page and LIKE us:
SEE MAKKO in ACTION GO TO:
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT KLINGON VANNA WHITE GO TO: