Do you have a dehydrator or access to one? If so, you can make your own jerky. You can make very large cuts that will cover more area on your fancy shorts. There's also more marbling, which means it'll be chunkier and more colorful. Chunks are good for aesthetics. If you don't have a dehydrator, go out and buy a bunch of jerky and skip to step number 5. If you're buying jerky, get the least flavored type you can find, it'll stick better.