How to Make Meatshorts for Dick Cheney.........or Your Friends

Step by step instructions on how to make shorts made of meat - simple, stylish and pungent!

Step 1: Check Your Equipment

Do you have a dehydrator or access to one? If so, you can make your own jerky. You can make very large cuts that will cover more area on your fancy shorts. There's also more marbling, which means it'll be chunkier and more colorful. Chunks are good for aesthetics. If you don't have a dehydrator, go out and buy a bunch of jerky and skip to step number 5. If you're buying jerky, get the least flavored type you can find, it'll stick better.

Step 2: Buy Some Meat

Vanessa and I opted for skirt steak, which is cheap and pretty thin. The butcher was also kind enough to give us some FREE meat for our project. Everybody loves free meat.

Step 3: Bring Home Your Meat

Bring home your meat, and slice it as thin as you can get it. We tried to slice the skirt steak in half , which worked sometimes. Ultimately, you don't want it any thicker than 1/4 inch, so do whatever you can without slicing your fingers off to get it thin. Large pieces look great on the shorts, so keep that in mind while you're slicing.

Step 4: Dehydrate

Put your meat in the dehydrator and turn it on. Wait patiently for two whole days. Read the directions for your dehydrator - you will probably need to rotate the trays every so often during this two day stretch. Also, check your meat! Some dried much faster than others, and it's easier to work with if it's a little bit soft.

Step 5: Buy Some Shorts

Buy some shorts. We were looking for red (Dick Cheney's favorite color), but Goodwill only had brown in the size we needed. Brown ended up looking pretty nice, though. You can obviously choose whatever color you'd like.

Step 6: Buy Some More Stuff

Buy some Goop for gluing. You will need at least two tubes. More if you decide to make meat knickers, less if you're opting for meat hot pants...you get the picture. For sewing, buy some embroidery thread or string in a color you like. We used two different colors for some contrast.
Pick up a large needle also - an upholstery needle worked well. A thimble would also be handy, but not entirely necessary. Take note of subtle product placement.

Step 7: Start Gluing!

Gather all your meat short making goods in a pile far away from pets and ants, and start working. Lay out the shorts and position the meat as you see fit, then glue it down with some goop.

Step 8: Let the Goop Set

Take a break to let it set. Do whatever you want for half an hour. We went to the 99cent store and bought some pool noodles and bees. I recommend that highly.

Step 9: Flip the Shorts

Flip your shorts and do the other side. The meat looks especially nice positioned in pockets and framing the buttocks.

Step 10: More Setting of Goop

Take another break and wait for that side to set.

Step 11: Check Your Meat

Check your meat to make sure it's stuck. The store-bought jerky is a lot oilier than the homemade stuff, so don't expect it to stick too well.

Step 12: Sew on Your Meat

Sew on your meat. We tried to do at least two stitches on each piece for extra staying power. Hand-sewing always takes a while, so settle in and enjoy it. After all, how often do you get to fondle jerky? Get creative with the stitching if you've got the time.

Step 13: You're Finished!

Be prepared, they'll be heavy, and quite ripe. A wonderful gift for any occasion (especially for Dick Cheney). This particular pair were made as a birthday gift for our dear friend and super rocker, Buck.