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Living with a woman is not an easy task.

Danger is right around the corner, waiting for a single slightly inappropriate answer to literally EXPLODE in your face.

But don't worry; it is possible to survive this mortal mission. You just need to know how. And In this instructables, I'll teach you how to get out from the most dangerous situations.

But first of all, I need you, fellow man, to understand a fundamental principle:

Women are emotive beings.

This is the reason why us, as mostly rational beings, we have an hard time understanding them.

Let's start with a simple example: you forgot to buy flowers for yours anniversary, and she's making a scene. You see, this is not about the flowers. It's about her emotions. She feels hurt, because you showed that you don't care enough about her.

What's the logical derivation? That not even a million flowers can fix it, but even a simple emotional moment can. Just plan a picnic where you first kissed, take her by car telling that it's a surprise and she can't look until you say so. When you arrive, add a single sentence like "I wanted to show you how much I care about you".

BAM. Flawless victory, everything will be forgotten (well, at least for the next 5 minutes, but a victory is a victory). Heck, you would even probably spend less than a standard "forgive me" flower bouquet xD

Step 1: Answer the *real* Question.

Women don't want real answers from us. They believe they already know everything.

When they actually ask us something, it's only for being loved, cared, reassured. Learn to understand the real question she's making, and answer it appropriately.

When she's asking you if this new dress is making her fat, what she really wants to know is if you still like her. Maybe it's the new job, a problem with the house, heck, maybe it's simply a bad mood, and right now she's felling insecure about her, and she simply wants reassurance from you.

Don't answer about the dress (you already know that it's an theoretically paradoxical question; either answering "yes" or "no" would yield catastrophic consequences). Answer the real question.

Tell her that you think the new dress goes very well with the colour of her eyes, and for that she looks beautiful with it. You see? In fact you've just told her that yes, you still like her, she is happy and would (hopefully) leave you in peace for the time being.

Don't ask me why women have to be so damn indirect like, all the time. I think I'll never really know. Simply accept it and work with it.

Step 2: In Doubt, Always Treat Her.

Come on, guys. It's not so much difficult.

Obviously a woman will never refuse a romantic dinner, with you properly dressed, expensive roses, fancy wines, and everything else. But it's not what they really expect from you.

What they really want is our attention, our continuous caring. They are emotive beings that are always wondering about everything, and they simply want our reassurance. They want us to keep telling her "yes, I still love and care for you" everyday.

Taking her out to a dinner is only a way for telling her it, but it's simply not enough to do it once a year. Just focus on small, emotional acts every single day.

  • Leaving for her the last pizza bite, saying her "Because you had a rough day".
  • Calling her every evening, even if you're on other side of the world, saying "Because I think of you".
  • Taking the heavy pot and bringing it for her, saying "I don't want you to get too tired".

Do something like this everyday. Seriously, guys, we're talking about stuff that takes you 5 minutes for day, at tops. And it'll surely help you manifold.

Sooner or later, you'll do something wrong in her eyes. Your only salvation will be how you prepared. Since they tend to remember everything, hopefully she'll remember also the small treats.

Hopefully.

Step 3: There Are Three Words That Every Woman LOVES to Hear.

And no, they are not "I love you".

Women believe they are better than men. Like, in everything. In their head, every single sentence coming out from the mouth of a man is always wrong.

When everything else fails, it's the moment for the ultimate weapons. Are you ready for the single, most important three-word phrase you can say when you're trying to be forgiven?

They are "I am wrong".

It doesn't matter what you did. No woman can completely resist this simple sentence. Having their man admitting its errors (doesn't matter if you objectively did something wrong, obviously) will always work. It will give you time to breathe and organize your defence strategy.

Do you need even more firepower? Add "And you were right".

Just saying this simple words will always give on a small hope for survival. And they simply strive for hearing their man saying it to them. So much that they will temporally forget what you actually did.

Desperate for the ultimate nuke? "And I'm sorry I made you feel awful". Remember, talking to her emotions it's the most effective thing you can do (she does not get angry because you made the floor dirty, but because you disrespect her cleaning work).

When the defcon level is coming down, add some compliments, treats and reassurance and maybe, maybe, you'll be able to survive another day.

Step 4: 6 - Bonus Tips

And now, some additional tips for your survival:

  • Acknowledge her emotions. Yes, I'm repeating myself here, but just let me tell you another time: women are emotional beings, don't ask why soldier, accept it and try to make the best you can out of it. When you're arguing, don't focus on the actual facts, but on her emotions. If she's angry because you were late, STOP defending you right now, and just say "Look, I'm sorry I made you feel unappreciated". She now feels that you understand here and her feelings, and this can make huge improvements.

  • Prepare an emergency drawer, full of gifts you're sure she will appreciate. I'm not talking about expensive stuff, even simple a packets of sweets that she likes or a perfume that once she noted she would like. (If you don't know what she likes, close the browser NOW, you don't deserve my advices). When you want to relieve the aftermath of a big arguing, give her one of this treats saying "I got this the other day thinking of you." Of course, alone it will not be enough, but surely now you are in a better position for managing your defences. (It also doubles as backup plan for when you forget an anniversary).

  • In Italy, we say the EVERY woman has the syndrome of "crocerossina", the irresistible female desire of being the savior of their man. You can simply tell her that she is the only one who can make you feel good or able to change yourself. Trust me, it works without fail. DO NOT abuse it (at most once or twice a year is acceptable).

  • Small kisses on the neck. From behind. They NEVER missed the shot.

  • Whenever she looks herself in the mirror, make her a compliment! Every woman in front a mirror feels exposed, and make her feeling good about herself is a certain way of avoiding future troubles. Well, at least containing the risks xD
Little bit overgeneralized, don't ya think?
I know this is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but dude, it sounds like you have some real issues with women.
<p>Don't worry, it's not ;)</p>
As a woman, I really disliked this ible. Kudos on the funny side, because you just described cat. Those little evil vilains
Swallow your pride. Be prepared to NEVER be right about anything ever again. That is if you want a long term relationship to last. I've been with my wife for over ten years and she has begrudgingly admitted she was wrong twice. I consider that a miracle.

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