How to talk to an ex...

This is going to be complicated... because there's more than one way and there's more than one kind of phonecall or conversation for an ex to want to have...

I could really do with a female collaborator to make this instructable more useful and make sure it is one sided...

*A small addition, some of this advice would probably help with people you don't get along with, thanks to shaunak for that little nugget.

Step 1 They call you...

So say the ex in question calls you up, probably withheld number (it's an ex thing they know you know them but still...) The hello will tell you alot about how the conversation is likely to go.

Your phone rings, you pick up, you say hello and you hear a sad/unhappy hello and you say hello again as you normally would and get back another sad/unhappy hello which has a breath or sigh in between answers and replies. Your call could go a few ways, they may start talking then burst into a slew of painfully accurate abuse, profess their undying love for you or have quite alot of bad news in general that prompted them to call you. It's usually best to start out with something quite innocuous like 'how are you?' or 'what have you been up to?', at this point and at every point try not to be offhand, I don't know why but it makes an ex incredibly angry. However if they sound agitated or very upset it could be worth asking 'is everything alright?' but this could all come back to something like 'NO YOU SON OF A B****, YOU RUINED MY LIFE/BROKE MY HEART/I THOUGHT YOU CARED' Usually if you want to get a real conversation going for whatever reasons with an ex that is angry like this you should try getting them to talk about what's been going on since you broke up or ask them about something that makes them happy, just don't say something stupid like 'So how are you after I dumped your sorry a**?' (not something I've come our with but worth avoiding).

If you do get them talking to you civilly try to keep the conversation a bit lighter, and if you do get on to the topic of your relationship then don't bring up the bad times or ask heavy questions until appropriate, otherwise you run the risk of killing the conversation.

Even if you just want to be friends again or get to a point where you can be in the same room as eachother without everyone else being awkward, it's a good idea to talk in person so if you are getting along well then maybe ask them for coffee or lunch. Best do that at somewhere more neutral, not either person house, but somewhere you used to go could be a nice touch.

If you get this far you're probably into the realms of speaking to them well enough to re-establish a friendship or a relationship.

Look how angry they are...

Comments

[allaboutmyriches]

all right i broke up with my old girlfriend a couple weeks ago. i dated for about a week then ended it because i wanted my ex back. how do talk to her about getting back together because she's been dropping hints that she may want me back.

[nathan733]

im guessing you been there before?

[killerjackalope]

Yeah, always seem to be there somehow... Every now and again I manage to almost take my own advice too...

[nathan733]

ya ive been there to. ;)

[killerjackalope]

Haha, it's all good in the end...

[nathan733]

ha will not for me so far.

[killerjackalope]

Yeah but if I keep saying it maybe it'll happen ;p

[nathan733]

ya maybe.

[bassclarinet23]

J.D. (Zach Braff)! I love Scrubs.

[Ninzerbean]

Speaking from being on the receiving end of a break up, I would like to add that the dumper should tell the dumpee that they are sorry as often as possible. Especially if they cheated and lied and hid their money and didn't treat them fairly in the divorce. The lack of constant apologies makes the dumpee want to extract one at every chance by bringing up a list of past stupidities and making the dumpee seem not at all lady-like for behaving like a petulant child. I'm over it now but it would have been faster if I gotten some compassion from the dumper.

[killerjackalope]

I can't turn around and just agree, having been on the business end of a gun because of a certain woman and her generally psychotic ways, I can agree on parts of that but at the same time there are times when the dumper was in the right. You do have a point, and I'm glad you got over it but at the same time it's not always the case, it gets messed up when the dumper isn't who did all the wrong but did some, also I guess I pointed this more at ex's in general, like girlfriends etc. and never gave much thought to even more serious chunks of life, I'm glad it applies to some extent but honestly if you think it's not enough I'd be happy to contribute to a collaboration on the likes of ex wives, especially after the last few days.

[Ninzerbean]

One thing I leaned from a whacked out dog I had was that negative attention was still attention and I think this applies to people. If a person's heart is broken they tend for some reason to go to the one who broke it for a band-aid - think about it - like what if someone shot you? Would you go to them for a band-aid? No! But dumpees go back and back and back for attention, negative attention will still fill the bill. You, the dumper can't stop this, but you can't help them by showing compassion as in "I'm sorry, but no" "I'm sorry you are hurting but no" etc.

[killerjackalope]

It depends on the dumpee I guess, she reached closure by eventually saying some things that shouldn't have been said and made me crack, at which point I said nothing but get out, she texted, made point clear again and she's stopped annoying my life. You do have a point about some people, it really depends on a lot of stuff and it can be hideously complicated, though I tried to cover the general stuff...

[pixelinabitmap]

In case no one else brought this one up... going "somewhere you used to go could be a nice touch" is not really a good idea. Maybe if you are already good friends and see each other occasionally, or at least it's been long enough for both of you that neither of you is sore about anything from the relationship or the breakup, it could fly, and you might just wax nostalgic about the good old times. But if you are still emotionally charged up about each other in any way, it's probably best to go somewhere REALLY neutral, like a place you've never been to together before, or at least a place that you visited briefly with no memories attached to it. Otherwise you might be opening a HUGE can of worms, and inviting a nice embarrassing public scene.

[killerjackalope]

I probably should emphasize the use of could to that end, it's definitely not always ideal though if emotionally charged in any way being in public cna be helpful by helping keeping a leash on the insanity... However it can be less awful if it's somewhere neutral that you both know, it can help control the nervousness of the situation in some respects...

[wolfy_9005]

JD hmmm what shows that pic from? doesnt look like scrubs :)

[Gavabc123]

the photo on step 4 looks funny the red man getting stabbed

[killerjackalope]

yeah You can actually buy them...

[GorillazMiko]

i used to talk to my ex... but eh. no more. haha

[killerjackalope]

I take it you understand step 6 fully enough then, next instructable may be flying a plane...

[Lithium Rain]

Yeah! Definitely do that. Could you do two, a lesson for how to do it properly, and one on what to do in anemergency situation, like if the pilot is unconscious or something?

[Lithium Rain]

Okay, if 17 year olds are allowed to fly in Ireland, I'm so moving there...

[killerjackalope]

Air cadets... beside you can actually have a flying liscence when you're 16...

[Lithium Rain]

I'm so jealous.

[killerjackalope]

Awwws rage... I still think america's too strict, flying a plane is easy as hell...

[Lithium Rain]

Well, you maybe could get a license over here when you're 16 or 17, I don't know, but I always figured it was incredibly difficult and complicated. It isn't so? Is it hard or expensive to learn?

[skunkbait]

I think you can still get a private license when you are 16 in the US. It usually requires 40 to 50 hours of instruction and flying. With fuel prices, it's getting more expensive, but there are a lot of instructors who will make you a good deal on the instruction part. Basically if you can scrape up $4000-$6000, you have a pretty good shot at it.

[Gavabc123]

what about nz?

[skunkbait]

I'm not sure. I knew a lot of Kiwi pilots back when I was in New Guinea. One of my favorites died in an MAF Twin -otter crash about 2 years ago. Anyway, Probably best to go hang out at the local strip one day. Ask for a part-time job around the hangars. Tell them you want to fly, and you'll do just about any kind of work to pay for lessons. Flyboys are suckers for youthful enthusiasm.

[Lithium Rain]

Wow. That actually sounds...doable! It's always been a dream of mine to become a pilot...

[Tobita]

i always had a dream of taking down a pilot. forcefully. I have the ethnic background to prove it. (that was a joke, no, i will not attempt to kill you with a broken glass from a bottle i bought past the security zone, and no, i will not attempt to make back flips with the plane.)

[killerjackalope]

Loop the loops are pretty easy, up to a minimum of 4000ft, dive until a reasonably high speed has been achieved, it changes a bit plane to plane but it'll probably be close to the DNE in a tutor it's about 120kts but 110kts will pull you through... once you hit the speed desired pull back on the stick with full throttle and don't let go unless you fancy doing other tricks involving half loops, granted inverted flight can be done from half a barrel roll...

[Tobita]

hahaahahahaha, cool, now that i have the world under the assumption that i am a pacifist, i wil go get my ticket now, phuket sounds nice :D i also have to say hi to wiliam there...

[Tobita]

well, my best friend from around KG1 left riyadh in grade 3 to go to phuket, Thailand, and yeah, it would be cool to visit :D

[killerjackalope]

Ok the last bit was confusing but nevermind... Why bother pretending, they might just step out of your way if they think you'll destroy them all...

[skunkbait]

The trick to getting a good deal on instruction, is finding someone with their instructors certification, who is trying to build up their hours for a commercial license. Then you can get the instruction for a little more than the cost of fuel.

[Lithium Rain]

Thanks for all the tips! Are you yourself a pilot?

[skunkbait]

Not yet. I went through ground-school some time ago, but always lacked the funds to pay for the flying. I finally found someone to instruct me a couple of months ago. Right now he's flying helicopters in Nicaragua, but when he gets back he'll trade instruction for help around his hangar. All I'll really have to pay is the fuel.

[Lithium Rain]

Sweet!

[skunkbait]

My friend is a crop-duster (more dangerous than most combat missions!), and my wife was initially opposed to it all. She finally agreed, as she just wants me to (shut up and) be happy . A lot of my uncles and cousins fly, so even if I don't end up crop-dusting, I'll at least keep up with the family! I've been looking at some small planes and could probably afford one if I sell a couple of my bikes and cars.