Introduction: How to Turn on Your Computer
Every day, millions of people's brains get confused and blow up all because they didn't know how to turn on their really advanced calculator (RAC), known by the incredibly vulgar name "Computer". Don't become a statistic. Become a computer turner-onner!
Step 1: Getting Ready
Now, before turning on your RAC, you should fill out a Pre-Turn-Report, or PTI. Many companies manufacture PTIs, so it's impossible to say what you'll have to fill out, but here is a general list of things you can expect to encounter when filling out a PTI:
Social Security No.
Driver's License Number
Time spent with George W Bush and how many crates of computers you smashed with him.
Previous computer use and experience
You can usually get books filled with hundreds of PTI forms, but they won't be found in your local Staples. You must order one Via Telephone from Bill's Hobby Shop and Tavern, 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington Dc. Ask for Vinnie and Joe, they'll hook you up.
Step 2: Getting Steady
Now, after you've filled your PTI out, you're gonna wanna get your Kevlar body armor out of the closet, and your gun out of the dresser. Why? Because many germlins exist in RACs, and if one were to break out it would cause Gasoline prices to drop down to 10 cents a gallon while simultaneously giving everyone heart attacks. Germlins must be shot is the point i'm trying to make here.
Recommended things to eat before the turn-on procedure include:
Your Tin-Foil hat
An entire wicker swingset
Step 3: Getting Go
Now, are you ready? Have you taken your heart attack pills? Good. Now, look for a button with a circle with a line through it on your really advanced calculator. Once you have located the button, using a sledgehammer attached to a 90-foot pole, bash the button until you see a light come on, a whirring noise begin to emit from the really advanced calculator, and proceed to sit down slowly and non-threateningly in front of the really fancy picture frame, movey thingy, and letter input interfacing panel.
Not many people die from really advanced calculator really fancy picture frame (Computer Monitor) attacks, but it can happen to you. Here is a list of things to do if you think you are about to be attacked by a really fancy picture frame:
1. Stand absoulutely still and raise your hands above your head to ake yourself appear bigger to the RFPC
2. Make threatening noises to let the RFPC know you are an Android
3. RFPC's usually don't become agressive, but if they do, they prefer Dos Equis. Stay away and run faster than Usain Bolt, my friends.
4. As a last resort, use pepper spray or a taser on the RFPC
By now your Really Advanced Calculator should be turned on. Conglaturation!