Every day, millions of people's brains get confused and blow up all because they didn't know how to turn on their really advanced calculator (RAC), known by the incredibly vulgar name "Computer". Don't become a statistic. Become a computer turner-onner!
Step 1: Getting ready
Now, before turning on your RAC, you should fill out a Pre-Turn-Report, or PTI. Many companies manufacture PTIs, so it's impossible to say what you'll have to fill out, but here is a general list of things you can expect to encounter when filling out a PTI:
Social Security No.
Driver's License Number
Time spent with George W Bush and how many crates of computers you smashed with him.
Previous computer use and experience
You can usually get books filled with hundreds of PTI forms, but they won't be found in your local Staples. You must order one Via Telephone from Bill's Hobby Shop and Tavern, 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington Dc. Ask for Vinnie and Joe, they'll hook you up.
Step 2: Getting steady
Now, after you've filled your PTI out, you're gonna wanna get your Kevlar body armor out of the closet, and your gun out of the dresser. Why? Because many germlins exist in RACs, and if one were to break out it would cause Gasoline prices to drop down to 10 cents a gallon while simultaneously giving everyone heart attacks. Germlins must be shot is the point i'm trying to make here.
Recommended things to eat before the turn-on procedure include:
Your Tin-Foil hat
An entire wicker swingset