I like my meat a little on the tender side. But I don't have a meat tenderizer. It always seemed like an unnecessarily bulky kitchen tool that I'd rarely use. The shape of a regular meat tenderizer (the one that is basically a modded hammer) is perfectly shaped to get stuck in drawers, and it's not useful enough to earn a spot on the countertop. And I so rarely cook meats that require tenderizing.
To bludgeon my beef, I generally just ball up my fist and punch. Repeat till tender. I'll maybe hum "The Rye or the Kaiser
" under my breath while doing so, and my meats are usually sufficiently softened as a result. This was all fine until I discovered the ultimate in faux-badass kitchen accessories. The Knuckle Pounder Meat Tenderizer
Ever since I saw that little gem, I knew that I had to have one. But I wanted the option of using the brass knuckles again for another project or perhaps a good old-fashioned street rumble. Welding was out because A: It's permanent, B: I don't know how, and C: this project is too ridiculous to learn a new skill that requires specialized equipment.
Luckily, the dollar store sells this wooden meat tenderizer that might as well just be a beef massager. (I suspect that's what they use when Kobe cows* get their luxurious and sensual massages.) With some zip ties, a drill, a handsaw, and a lot of patience, I was able to put together a brass knuckle meat tenderizer that is both less practical and more expensive than the one I saw online.
*Right? It's not technically Kobe beef until they get butchered. Or until they start a fight with a Los Angeles Laker.