To bludgeon my beef, I generally just ball up my fist and punch. Repeat till tender. I'll maybe hum "The Rye or the Kaiser" under my breath while doing so, and my meats are usually sufficiently softened as a result. This was all fine until I discovered the ultimate in faux-badass kitchen accessories. The Knuckle Pounder Meat Tenderizer!
Ever since I saw that little gem, I knew that I had to have one. But I wanted the option of using the brass knuckles again for another project or perhaps a good old-fashioned street rumble. Welding was out because A: It's permanent, B: I don't know how, and C: this project is too ridiculous to learn a new skill that requires specialized equipment.
Luckily, the dollar store sells this wooden meat tenderizer that might as well just be a beef massager. (I suspect that's what they use when Kobe cows* get their luxurious and sensual massages.) With some zip ties, a drill, a handsaw, and a lot of patience, I was able to put together a brass knuckle meat tenderizer that is both less practical and more expensive than the one I saw online.
*Right? It's not technically Kobe beef until they get butchered. Or until they start a fight with a Los Angeles Laker.
Step 1: Supplies
- C clamp (also called a pony clamp or "that adjustable metal thing that goes over the side of the workbench and sticks stuff to it")
- zip ties
- wooden meat tenderizer
- brass knuckles
- a tough steak (optional)
Everything on here is pretty easy to find. Except the brass knuckles. They're illegal in some states. Including this one. California Penal Code section 12020 states that possession is at least a misdemeanor and possibly a felony (it apparently depends on what they're made of - metal is a possible felony, composite or wood is a misdemeanor.) Other states have other rules, so check before you order a "belt buckle" off of Amazon or visit the local flea market and buy yours out of some shady dude's trunk. If you're on parole, don't do this project.
I found mine at a little shop in Chinatown. I asked if they carried anything similar to brass knuckles, and the woman at the counter pulled some from a hidden cabinet. I decided against the ones with spikes on the front and knives sticking out the ends because they seemed impractical for this purpose. We haggled over the price and I got her to lower the price by a third. I then proceeded to pay. And she charged me sales tax.