Print PDF
Favorite
Email
I was married at age 23 and have been married to the same woman for nearly 43 years. It is the first and only marriage for both of us. I also spent the last 40 years as a Lutheran pastor, during which time I talked with a number of people about their marriages and read many things about marriage. The purpose of this Instructable is to share some of the best from what I have learned in the hope it will help some people see their marriages made better. I will make only limited reference to Christian or biblical material, and then in an informational way, not in any kind of moralizing way. No one will feel he or she has someone preaching at them.
One of my books said divorce is one solution to marriage problems, but not always the best one. Divorces are expensive in money and to the self-esteem of those involved.
I once saw an advertisement that said trees are a renewable resource. Marriages are also renewable, at least much of the time. Small gestures of kindness can often make a big difference. One study found sample couples who contemplated divorce, but did not end their marriages, discovered that after five years those marriages were better than ever. (Mention of that study comes in a link to an article later in this Instructable.)
The photo is of my parents on their 40th anniversary. By their 50th my father was suffering with Alzheimer's. My mother died in the year of their 60th anniversary. My father had died two years earlier.
One of my books said divorce is one solution to marriage problems, but not always the best one. Divorces are expensive in money and to the self-esteem of those involved.
I once saw an advertisement that said trees are a renewable resource. Marriages are also renewable, at least much of the time. Small gestures of kindness can often make a big difference. One study found sample couples who contemplated divorce, but did not end their marriages, discovered that after five years those marriages were better than ever. (Mention of that study comes in a link to an article later in this Instructable.)
The photo is of my parents on their 40th anniversary. By their 50th my father was suffering with Alzheimer's. My mother died in the year of their 60th anniversary. My father had died two years earlier.
Remove these ads by
Signing UpStep 1The scarlet letter
Not many marriages survive infidelity, although some may. If you are married make a pact with yourself that you will not allow yourself to be in any situation that could lead to emotional or sexual involvement with someone other than your spouse. We all need to set boundaries for ourselves in multiple areas of life and hold to them. Marriage is only one area where we set boundaries for ourselves.
I once read a news story that said marriage makes men better men, and that makes them more attractive to other women. Attention from women is flattering. Make it a point to respond to flirtations in any form carefully and politely; but, in a matter-of-fact, unaffected manner. These may be a woman's fingertip tap on a man's forearm, a coquettish smile or wink, compliments dripping with honey, small gifts when it is not your birthday, comments hinting at double entendre, a woman draping parts of her body seductively in your personal space, or finding excuses to be in your presence. A man and a woman once worked in the same office and recognized they were strongly attracted to each other, although married to other people. They made an agreement with each other that they would never be together in a room unless others were also in the room.
Yes, there are women who cheat on their husbands, and when they do, they inflict tremendous damage to the husband's self-esteem. But, allow me to treat this as if it is more of a problem with men than with women. Men imagine they are too clever for anyone, especially for a wife, to suspect anything. They deceive themselves. A man once took his wife to the office Christmas party. He introduced her to just about everyone in the room. During the evening the wife noticed she had not been introduced to one particular redhead. It was then that her intuition kicked in and she knew her husband was having an affair with the redhead. As one book said it, women usually know because of a thousand little things, not because of any one big thing.
Infidelity by a husband is a huge betrayal of a wife's trust far greater most men can imagine. And, as another book said, every affair eventually comes to an end. When it does, the crashing is really, really awful. An affair just is not worth all of the costs. Over the last 40 years I have heard several people confess their sexual affairs to me. Never once have I heard anyone say, "I am really glad I did that." Rather, they are steeped in remorse.
See the next step for a discussion of Internet pornography and its effect on marriages.
The title of this step and the graphic are a remembrance of The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Hester Prynne, one of the principal characters was forced to wear a red letter "A" sewn to her clothing because she was found to be pregnant out of wedlock. The scandal of the story was that the father of her unborn baby was the village pastor.
I once read a news story that said marriage makes men better men, and that makes them more attractive to other women. Attention from women is flattering. Make it a point to respond to flirtations in any form carefully and politely; but, in a matter-of-fact, unaffected manner. These may be a woman's fingertip tap on a man's forearm, a coquettish smile or wink, compliments dripping with honey, small gifts when it is not your birthday, comments hinting at double entendre, a woman draping parts of her body seductively in your personal space, or finding excuses to be in your presence. A man and a woman once worked in the same office and recognized they were strongly attracted to each other, although married to other people. They made an agreement with each other that they would never be together in a room unless others were also in the room.
Yes, there are women who cheat on their husbands, and when they do, they inflict tremendous damage to the husband's self-esteem. But, allow me to treat this as if it is more of a problem with men than with women. Men imagine they are too clever for anyone, especially for a wife, to suspect anything. They deceive themselves. A man once took his wife to the office Christmas party. He introduced her to just about everyone in the room. During the evening the wife noticed she had not been introduced to one particular redhead. It was then that her intuition kicked in and she knew her husband was having an affair with the redhead. As one book said it, women usually know because of a thousand little things, not because of any one big thing.
Infidelity by a husband is a huge betrayal of a wife's trust far greater most men can imagine. And, as another book said, every affair eventually comes to an end. When it does, the crashing is really, really awful. An affair just is not worth all of the costs. Over the last 40 years I have heard several people confess their sexual affairs to me. Never once have I heard anyone say, "I am really glad I did that." Rather, they are steeped in remorse.
See the next step for a discussion of Internet pornography and its effect on marriages.
The title of this step and the graphic are a remembrance of The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Hester Prynne, one of the principal characters was forced to wear a red letter "A" sewn to her clothing because she was found to be pregnant out of wedlock. The scandal of the story was that the father of her unborn baby was the village pastor.
| « Previous Step | Download PDFView All Steps | Next Step » |
I met my Wife-to-be in 12 grade school, she told a friend I was Mr Right, and she was going to marry me. She told me the same on about date 19. It was about 18 months of working out all the details. That all started in back in 1968. It has been fun, I have enjoyed it 99.98% of the time. We just work out the little problem, even when at first they don't seen so small, a year later they do. We have two Great kids, and four Great Grand kids.
Her Parents had been married twice each by the time we meet, My Parents did 52 years together. We are shooting for 60 years at this time. Then we may aim at a new target. No sure, just have to wait and see.
Jake
Thanks for your comment and for looking. This summer I am to conduct a wedding for a couple currently working in another state. We will probably have some pre-marriage counselling sessions together by means of Skype, but I wanted to prepare a lot of what I would tell them by means of an Instructable and have them read it. I had thought a few months ago about gathering things I have learned about marriage through my career as a pastor and through a bit more than 40 years of being married, and making it available in the form of an Instructable. A friend on Instructables who is also a pastor encouraged me to do it. I put it aside for a while. Making an Instructable on staying married seemed an especially good idea because divorce is so frequent at present.
Congratulations on meeting a very good wife so early and on your years together. I have heard a few stories of women meeting someone and knowing immediately he was the man they would marry. It reminds me of the adage that you chase her until she catches you. I have also known of marriages in which one partner had to be convinced this was the person who would be a life partner.
Marriages are all different. It is good you have enjoyed yours most of the time. Some experience real struggles and barely stay together during periods of a few years until one or both parties become more settled and the marriage stabilizes. I remember hearing of a couple that had a very volatile relationship. They could not live with each other, but could not live without each other, either. Thank you, again.
Thanks for sharing this excellent instructable. I think the youth today lacks of patience, and that is the first cause of divorces.
Besides, we parents were too lazy for teach them to wait, to lack luxuries (today many luxuries are considered "first necessities"), to work hard, etc.
You know that I have enough trouble reading English, so I'm going to copy the text in my GPS to read it at night in bed before sleep.
What you are describing sounds just like the young people in the USA. Sadly, many of them simply live together without marriage. They think that prepares them for marriage. But, studies show living together before marriage actually leads to less stable marriages.
I am sorry we do not speak the same language. Reading this would be less work for you if we did.
Regarding the international financial crisis, it seems to me the only predictable consequence of conduct that humanity has maintained for decades: consume, consume, consume.
But I am also a believer in the pendulum of history, and that the pendulum is damped not only failed, but often accelerates itself. So soon, –in historical terms–, we again will go through medieval times.
Consumerism only works when there is room for growth. Last I looked the planet we live on is a finite space. So we've two options open to us, 1 reduce the number of consumers, or 2 find new resources.
The latter is proving to be technically unfeasible as of now, but the former we can manage. Our other option is to develop a new model where we can all get by. We might not be smart enough to do that though.
If you are a fan of historical cycles maybe you will enjoy this?
http://www.tony5m17h.net/2012.html
We went into our marriage with the mindset that divorce is not an option. This is the first and last marriage for both of us. We hope to see 50+ years together!
Thank you for taking the time to write this! :)
When you said you are no where near to marriage it made me remember a young woman I helped with a problem. She had dated several jerks and was about to decide jerks were the only guys available. She was about ready to settle for a jerk at some time in the near future. She met a really decent guy and told me later she could not believe the difference between him and the jerks she had been dating. For what it is worth, when you are ready for marriage, wait for someone who meets your standards on what a marriage should be.
Keep it up bro.
Things like marriage are part of my day job as a pastor (soon to be retired). Most of my other Instructables are about hobby interests.
We were married as teens and my wife and I are now going on 17 years together. Wish I could look back over 50 years and say, "Let's do it again."