Introduction: NSFW Potatoes

Picture of NSFW Potatoes

These are the potatoes I make every Thanksgiving. Be forewarned, I use colorful language in this recipe. They are the best thing you've ever tasted...come at me bro

Step 1: The Recipe

First things first...are you Alton Brown?

No? Good. Because unless you are Alton MuthaFn Brown, you need to pay attention. Now let's get to the recipe:

10lbs potatoes

1lb butter

2-3lbs mozzarella

1 pint heavy cream

"Cheater" spice

A love of America

3-4 beers

2-3lbs crab meat

A big ass pot

A food processor

A potato masher

A colander

Step 2: Shall We Begin?

Picture of Shall We Begin?

1)Ok, peel 10 lbs of potatoes, I usually use Russet, but whatever floats your boat.

2) PEEL THE FN POTATOES. Seriously, it's a texture issue.

3) When I peel, I like to put the peeled potatoes in the pot I'll be cooking them in. I peel them over the sink with the drain stopper in. Soak the peeled potatoes in water to remove any dirt off of them after you drop 1 or 2 on the floor.

4) Clean out the sink, add some water and dice those potatoes. Store them in the water you just filled the sink with. This will draw out some of the starches that create foam when you are boiling them.

5) Fill pot with potatoes and water. High heat until it starts to boil, then down to medium low.

6) Drink a beer

7) Pull butter and heavy cream out of the fridge. You want these at room temperature.

8) Boil potatoes for about 30 minutes. Have another beer.

9) After 30 minutes or so, use a spoon and try one of the potatoes. It shouldn't have any real firmness. If soft, turn heat off and grab your colander. Place it in the sink.

10) Get distracted by something shiny, or, in a pinch you can use the internet. I recommend harrassing your friends on Facebook...they love that stuff Also, have another beer.

11) Drain the Damn potatoes (hope you bought a real colander and not a vegetable steamer...there are a lot of diced potatoes).

12) Return 1/2 the potatoes to the pot, add half the butter (2 sticks) and mash for a bit. After it seems blended, slowly add half the cream. Keep mashing.

So what is "cheater" spice, you ask. Montreal Steak Seasoning. You can literally put it on everything you grill. It's delicious, but lazy. Kinda like adding bacon to everything...delicious but lazy. I am using a generic version (see picture)

13) You should have had at least 3 beers by now, so lazy is good. Cover the potatoes with seasoning, and mash. Taste the potatoes...you are shooting for slightly under seasoned.

14) Decision time...can you eat shellfish? If you have an allergic reaction to crustaceans, that sucks. Really, that is unfortunate. I haz the sads for you. Feel free to skip the next step, as your faulty genetics have made your decision for you.

I mean seriously, that sucks if you had to choose from the shallow end of the gene pool. Crab is awesome.

15) As for the rest of you, you need to use a food processor to turn the crab meat into a grey paste. Try to get it to the consistency of Wasabi. Add the crab to taste. I'd go with 1/2 lb, and work up from there. Taste the potatoes...you want to taste crab, but not overpower the potatoes.

16) Add the rest of the potatoes, then repeat steps 12-15.

Step 3: Did I Forget About the Cheese?

ARE YOU ALTON BROWN?!?! (Do a Google image search, check mirror)

NO? (hang head in shame)

17) The cheese goes in last. Cover the top layer with about a lb, and slowly mash. The potatoes were probably a little runny beforehand...not for long. Repeat until your masher becomes a Maraca of potatoes, and there is visible elasticity between the pot and the masher.

Step 4: Congratulations! You Have Created the World's Greatest Potatoes and Are Happily Buzzed

Well then, I hope you paid attention. Those potatoes are super simple, they feed a bunch of people, they are super buttery and rich, and they contain crab, which I can assure you, is delicious. You can now decide whether it is to be 3 beers or 4. I recommend the 4th, you've earned it.

Side note...the reason you want to slightly underseason the potatoes is because both the crab and the cheese will add saltiness...and because there isn't a dominant flavor in this recipe. Everything hits your tastebuds in harmony and works together.

...works together to add 5-10 extra holiday lbs to your ass. I wouldn't skip the workout tomorrow if I were you.

Step 5:

Picture of

Also, one more side note...this is a picture of a Maraca. Ok, technically it's a pair of Maracas, but you get the idea. This has been stream of consciousness cooking.

Comments

harthoppy (author)2016-10-10

Might try this when i go home this christmas .

seamster (author)2016-06-13

This looks like a tasty way to make potatoes. The crab sounds excellent!!

JtownATX (author)seamster2016-06-13

They are super rich. I always have to warn everyone to take a small amount at first or you will get full before you get to try anything else! I've been making them this way since 2003.

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