Before you go any further, click the "view all steps on one page" button just under the "Occu-Pie" title. It will make viewing easier.
Step 1: Warning
Proceed at your own amusement.
*Warning photo credit: Scott Beale / Laughing Squid at laughingsquid.com.
Step 2: The Genesis of Occu-pie
So there it was: the name of my new dessert. Now all I had to do was figure out what to put in my Occu-pie.
Step 3: Rollin' in the Dough
- 2 cups flour
- 3/4 cups vegetable shortening
- 1/2 teaspoons salt
- 5 tablespoons tonic water
- 2 tablespoons honey
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- 3 tablespoons cashew nuts
- 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
- Chop cashews until very fine.
- Put all of the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and stir together.
- Add the honey and shortening.
- Use a pastry cutter (pictured), a fork, or your hands to blend everything together. Do not over mix.
- When everything is mixed, add the tonic water a little at a time until the dough is able to form in to a ball.
- Shape dough into two balls, one slightly larger than the other. Put into refrigerator to chill. This will make forming the crust easier later.
- Cashews: Let's face it. There are a lot of nuts in Occu-pie.
- Bleached white flour: Lots of bulk, but absolutely devoid of nutritional value.
- Baking powder: Being a leavening agent, baking powder makes the substance appear larger than it otherwise would, similar to what the media can do to news stories, if they so choose.
- Honey: This reminds us of the hive mentality as we observe our Occu-pie.
- Tonic Water: There are parts of Occu-pie that are all wet and very bitter!
- Vegetable shortening: Very greasy, and when you touch it, you feel like you really just need to wash your hands.
- Cinnamon: Have you ever tried eating a floury ball of grease before? I wouldn't recommend it. To make it palatable, we are adding this strong, pleasant smelling spice to hide the horrid mass that is the base of our Occu-pie.
- Salt: Most of Occu-pie is not worth its salt. Nonetheless, we are adding it as a charitable act. What perfect symbolism to capture in Occu-pie.
Step 4: Occu-pie Is Very Fruity
"Fruity" has a precise meaning, but is difficult to define. Loosely speaking, the word refers to something which is cheerfully and perkily saccharine, naïve, generic, corny, banal, innocuous, un-self-consciously dippy, sexually neutered (or, conversely, having perverse subtexts), or just plain dumb - and is amusing because of it. Dorkiness which doesn't even know that it's dorky, but celebrates its own dorkiness anyway: that which is flamboyantly and happily retarded. Closely synonymous with gay, in the not-necessarily-homosexual sense.
It was pretty clear from the beginning that Occu-pie was going to be fruity.
- 3 cups blackberries:
- 3 cups Peaches
- 1 cup granulated sugar
- 3/4 cups brown sugar
- 1/3 cup powdered sugar
- 3 tablespoons minute tapioca
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/2 teaspoon almond extract
- 2 teaspoons cinnamon
- 6 oz Coke
- 1 orange
- Wash and drain blackberries
- Peel and slice peaches
- Put "minute tapioca" into a blender and grind it until it is a fine powder. This helps with consistency, but is not mandatory.
- Squeeze juice from orange over berries. Use zester or grater to collect 2 teaspoons of zest.
- Combine all ingredients in a large sauce pan and cook over medium-low heat until mixture boils. Should take about 15 minutes. Do not over cook.
- When filling nears boiling point, lower heat and keep mixture warm until you are ready to use it.
- Move on to next step while this is cooking.
Why did I choose these ingredients?
- Blackberries: I had a lot of blackberries left from this summer's harvest. I realize that self-sufficiency and preparing for winter are against everything that Occu-pie represents. I apologize for the faux pas; it could not be helped. Apart from that, blackberries are little more than a conglomeration of hard, irritating little seeds. Their only redeeming quality is the juicy tidbits that resides on the outside of the mass. <symbolism save!>
- Peaches: We need to peel the peaches because we don't want any "fuzz" in our Occu-pie.
- Granulated sugar: You know how you feel after a day at the beach? The sand is everywhere and is rubbing you in all the wrong ways. The granular nature of the Occu-pie sugar represents these tiny annoyances.
- Brown sugar: Occu-pie is an equal opportunity dessert. I could not, in good conscience, exclude brown sugar from the mix once I chose to include the white, middle class granulated sugar.
- Powdered sugar: As with the brown sugar, powdered sugar deserves a place in our Occu-pie, regardless of the actual merits of its inclusion.
- Minute tapioca: Why work hard with "real" tapioca when we can have it instantly?
- Vanilla extract: The term "plain vanilla" is used to describe something that is run-of-the-mill and non-descript. A "plain vanilla" protest. for example, would have characteristics very much like other protests and would, therefore, be old-hat.
- Almond extract: Essentially, just a concentrated splash of nuts,
- Cinnamon: Often used in pickling. I suspect that many who partake in Occu-pie are more than a bit pickled themselves.
- Coka-Cola: Every good gathering with Occu-pie needs a little coke!
- Orange: When you observe the people who most enjoy Occu-pie, you can't help but think that they have consumed more than a fair amount of acid!
Step 5: I Knew It: Flakey
- Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees F.
- Remove the larger of the two dough-balls from the refrigerator. This will be the bottom crust.
- On a lightly floured surface, roll out the dough until it is slightly larger than the pie pan.
- To move formed dough to pie-pan, use large, straight knife to separate dough from counter as shown. Using spatulas, fold dough in half and then half again and place in pie pan. Unfold.
- Use overhanging dough to patch any holes in the crust. Pinch edges.
- Cook in 400 degree oven for 10 minutes.
- This step is optional, but you will regret not doing it. After 10 minutes, remove crust from oven and fill crust with dry beans. The beans will weight the crust down and prevent the crust from becoming deformed. Another, more simplistic option, is to use a duplicate, empty pie pan in place of the beans.
- Cook crust another 10-15 minutes. If the edge is getting too brown, cover it with foil to prevent burning.
- Remove pie crust before it is completely done. It will finish cooking later.
- While the bottom crust is in the oven, roll out the other ball of dough for the top crust. Fold as before to place on pie.
Symbolism of the crust?
- The base of Occu-pie is flakey and half-baked.
Step 6: Gather Together and Turn Up the Heat
Time to put it all together.
- 1 egg white
- After removing the bottom crust from the oven, place fruity filling in crust. Fill to almost level with top.
- place top crust on pie and seal edges by pinching dough closed.
- Cut about 10 small slits in top crust to allow steam to escape while cooking.
- brush top crust with egg white. This will make your Occu-pie nice and shinny.
- place in 400 degree oven and bake uncovered for 15 minutes.
- After 15 minutes, completely cover Occu-pie with foil and bake at 350 degrees for an additional 15 minutes.
- While pie is baking, move on to next step.
- As stated before, the base of Occu-pie is flakey and half-baked.
- The core of Occu-pie is fruity.
- You will most likely have some filling left over that will not fit into your pie, demonstrating the cold, hard reality that, even in Occu-pie, some fruits simply don't fit in.
- The whole of Occu-pie has been given a special treatment to make it look all shinny and neat. Without this external treatment, the whole Occu-pie would be dull and listless.
Step 7: Whip 'em Good
- 3 egg whites
- 1 teaspoon cream of tartar
- 1/2 cup powered sugar
- Whip egg whites on high speed for 1 minute
- Add Cream of Tartar and continue whipping until stiff peaks form, may take several minutes.
- Once peaks form, continue mixing and add powdered sugar slowly. Whip until peaks form.
- Remove Occu-pie from oven. At this point, entire Occu-pie should have been baking for 30 minutes.
- Spoon meringue on Occu-pie. Start by placing small dollops around the perimeter of the Occu-pie. Add dollops along a diameter of the Occu-pie. When finished, the merengue should resemble the universal symbol for NO (see photo).
- Bake in 300 degree oven until meringue is browned (about 10 minutes).
- Remove from oven and let Occu-pie cool completely to allow the filling to set.
- Egg: Extra-bonus symbolism points if you harvest fertilized eggs before they develop into a viable being.
- Cream of Tartar: This is a byproduct of wine making. While those associated with Occu-pie may not be experienced in wine making, I suspect they have more than a passing acquaintance with its result.
- Powdered sugar: Not really a powdered sugar so much as a granularly challenged sugar.
- Why the "No" symbol? Because we don't know what Occu-pie is for, but we do know what Occu-pie is against: everything!
Step 8: Maximize Enjoyment
Enhancement #1: Pepper spray. This enhancement is self explanatory. No comment needed.
- Blend 1 shot vodka and 1 hot pepper in blender.
- Let sit for at least 2 hours.
- strain through fine sieve or coffee filter
- pour into spray bottle and spritz your nearest Occu-pie.
Enhancement #2: Partner with the 1%. Occu-pie is best enjoyed when it is washed away by the 1%.
- One glass of 1% (lite) milk.
- Consume as needed to make the Occu-pie more palatable.
Step 9: Clean-up
When you are finished making your Occu-pie, you should have a huge mess in the kitchen. Fret not, this is Occu-pie. Someone else will clean it up for you!.
Step 10: Vote for ME!!!!
"But wait," you say, "there is no pie contest."
Hogwash, I say. There was a weekly pie challenge that closed but a few short weeks ago. I want you to vote for me so I can win that contest.
"But the challenge is already over," you say.
Nonsense, I say! I deserve to win!
"It's too late," you say. "Someone else won the contest while you were sitting on your butt doing nothing."
Irrelevant, I say. It is your duty to ensure that I am successful at this contest, regardless of my efforts or lack thereof.
And so it goes.