Greetings Aperture Science Investors!
Cave Johnson here, your friendly corporate CEO. First, we know you've sunk a lot of money into our latest Mantis Man Project and Aperture thanks you for your support. It's not easy splicing the genomes of a standard living human with that of an 4 inch insect, Hell, we're at our 28th try so far! But you know the ol' saying, you can't grill an omelette without cracking a few eggs and as far as I'm concerned, we like to think of ALL of our employees as our personal expendable chickens.
Problem though, is that those damn morons on the Board of Directors just don't share the visionary tactics we do. Employee Health Compensation!? People should be paying US to work here! And "Safe Science"? Give me a break- you think Ben Franklin was worried about his health when he tied that key to that kite and electrocuted himself? Hell no! That was for SCIENCE!
Anyway, for your glorious contribution to science and for keeping Aperture Science in the black, we're awarding you with this rare, one of a kind, HOW TO MANUAL on making a paper sliced version of some of AS's most innovative successes! From "Nabacular Drop" to "Preservation of Mass", "Bridge Over Troubling Water" and "Final Transmission", you too can relive the achievements of Aperture Science!
What's that? You want us to actually make it for you? We're not Etsy, banging rocks over here, we're developing new technology. Let's eggheads at Black Mesa beat that. You can't.
Cave Johnson, we're done here.