Yup, being trapped and snowed in apocalyptic NYC and scrounging around for a midnight snack like a subway rat brought me to this.
There use to be bunch of instructables for dorm room recipes so that was inspiration to make this a low-effort/minimal kitchen equipment recipe.
I guess this could be made with your annoying roomie...wait
Be nice. Share.
DISCLAIMER: Please, no complaints from the People Eating Tasty Animals group. Tip for you vegan hipsters: The green stuff floating in the Gowanus Canal is not super protein-rich plankton.
Step 1: Scavenging...
You will need:
Frozen spinach. Freshly frozen at the farm. No need to cook beforehand.
Whole Wheat Pancake Mix
Yum. The perfectly proportioned amounts of whole wheat and unwholely wheat flour, sweeteners, salt, emulsifiers, dough conditioners, preservatives and leavening products.
I think a basic cracker recipe calls for flour, water, oil and salt but that would be too much work to source all that.
Depending on the mix, leave out the added egg and milk/soymilk which will give it a cakey crumbly texture.
You will need some fat, melted butter, margarine, shortening, hydrogenated solidized fat, ghee or your preferred cooking oil.
Step 2: Cement Mixer...
You really don't need to go in exact measurements but do it by feel.
You need to prepare the green slurry for your mix.
Even though I had chopped spinach, I wanted it further pureeded for a finer texture and added water added for workability.
I put it through my drink blender. I guess you can grind up other green veggies to substitute.
Dump it out to your mixing bowl and add a couple generous splashes of oil. Olive oil would add some flavor.
Season a bit with salt.
Step 3: Work It...
Give the mix a couple of minutes after you stir to let the flour absorb the liquid.
You need to add enough flour so that the mass congeals into a ball and almost becomes dry and crumbly but still sticks together.
My mixture was still a little too wet.
You should end up with something that is like a babysitter's worse nightmare.
Step 4: That's How We Roll...
You can sprinkle on some extra dry pancake mix or flour to prevent sticking to the paper.
Take something to smash it out. Use a big pot, a rolling pin, a fajita press, an iron, or just your fingers to roll it out.
It should be fairly thin like a sheet of corrugated cardboard. The thicker it is, the more it will be like a cookie because the inside will be chewy and the outside crispy.
Use a pizza cutter or a knife to cut out square or rectangular shapes.
You can prick it all over with a fork to "dock" the cracker. It is supposed to keep it flatter when baking but I don't know if it really helped.
You could make a set of ninjabread men cookie cutters and use that to cut out the shapes.
Place on a greased cookie sheet.
I used my toaster oven to "toast" these up for about 15-20 minutes. I did not use the bake setting. Keep an eye on them and take out when they are starting to brown.
Remove from the cookie sheet and cool. They will still be a bit pliable until they harden up in the cooling process.
Step 5: Scrumpdilishous...
If you like your whole foods with more of the tree bark texture, add some oats.
Use carrots or sweet potatoes or dried tomatoes for your Soylent Reds.
I'm sure there is stuff to use for your Soylent Yellows too.
Add a dry grated cheese or cheese product.
I think I should have added more salt for a savory cracker. I grabbed some salad dressing to use as a dip for my Soylent Green.
Add various chopped nuts and seeds.
Maybe a fine Chianti to go with this instead of a cup of tea?